I think my son is gay. How can I help him?

[Jayd]

First things first, you are already off to a fantastic start!!! Some parents have moved, but, even that doesn't solve the problem unless you move to a town that happens to be really supportive of queer issues. This is rare even in cities that have large gay straight alliances.

"I basically explained to him what homosexuality is and you are born that way which makes it perfectly natural and that people who make fun of gay people are ignorant and small minded."

Does he understand that it is wrong for him to be called these names. This is great, but terms like ignorance and small minded might be hard to crunch at a young age. Maybe at some point you will have to go into talk to the faculty. This can be tough as many of them, if not very open and accepting, will say, tell your kid not to act gay! This of course is absurd!

The truth of the matter is, there is precedence for lawsuits if a school doesn't act to protect ALLL kids from bullying. Because it is relevant, here is a recent interview I did with Jamie Nabozony who is an expert and huge advocate on the subject. Maybe if there is enough interest in the school, you can pull him into speaking. Though, I know Jamie is very busy!!! (Iterview with Jamie Nabozny) Nonetheless, something will need to be done sooner or later if the bullying continues. It can't be ignored when it continues. It will only get worse if ignored and not taken head on. And unfortunately, going into to try and take care of it can cause problems too. But hopefully the school will figure it out if they know that they can be sued!!!

Keep us updated! Tell your son he rocks for me. Your family is amazing, and keep doing what you are doing!!! It pays off. I am so thankful for my mom's support for when I came out. She knew I was gay a long time before I knew (Thank you Immediate Family - Mom

You're doing the right thing! ! !

[James]

Hello and welcome Lynnie, the two schools in our area that have gay/straight alliances on campus were at the local pflag meeting about 9 months ago, listening to them say what a help it is to have a place to go and "be themselves" and get encouragement and support, makes me support gsa all the more, might see if any of your local schools has a chapter, James

[matty7]

i think the sooner your son also excepts that been gay is nothing wrong at all as you are telling him now the better he will be later - insults will become boring to him and nothing to rise up about (unless its physical too), once u accept an insult is worthless and just there to provoc then he can just ignore them and not have a bad feeling about them later by doubting himself....more support means a more happy childhood too

[zeon]

Hello lynnie,
The best thing to do is continue to support him and let him know that what the kids say means nothing.. Pink is actually a boys colour and a girls is traditionally blue... In the victorian era boys were dressed in pink to appear more manly and girls kept in blue hoiwever todays society thinks thats something completely different.. The problem with moving and trying to give him a good start im sure is with all best interests at heart however kids are kids no matter where you go and things can be tough but its worth knowing what they are doing and when his education is finished then help him move to where he wants to be... Some places just take a little longer to flower than the rest x

[GJR1984]

Hi Lynnie,

I think you are doing great! I wish my mother was like you. I'm afraid I can't add anything to what has already been said. I just wanted to reach out and wish you and your family well.

[Lynnie]

I want to thank all of you for your wonderful responses. I would like to address some of the things brought up by you guys here: I live in California, PA....a FAR cry from California. I have a black belt in Tae Kwon Do and have tried to teach my son how to fight. He has no interest and just tells me that he doesn't want to hurt anyone. He has been jumped by other kids (3 the one time on the bus). I have talked to the school NUMEROUS times about the bullying and they have done nothing to stop it. I have not mentioned that I think he is gay to anyone at his school. I think that is should be up to him to decide how and when to do that. I actually contacted an attorney (who happened to be the school solicitor) and he went to talk to the superintendent and that was just to get these kids moved away from him on the bus. I just can't understand why he lets them do these things and has no desire to beat the hell out of any of them. I would have if I were him. His father lives on the other side of the state and hasn't seen him since Jan 2004. He is totally worthless.

It just hurts me to see my son cry and let these kids make him miserable. He used to be so outgoing and everyone loved him. Now he's much more reserved and doesn't even try to talk to anyone in school anymore. I can't imagine he would miss this school if we left the district.

The only way I would say anything to anyone about his sexuality is if it became a legal matter with the school district. It is pretty obvious that he is going to be gay. I mean, it's not like I sat down with my family and had a discussion about it. My father and older son both broached the issue with me saying they were ok with it. My father because he recognized a lot of similiarities between my son and his brother and my older son said "it's just so obvious.'" And I will never tell my son to "stop acting gay." He has a wonderful personality and is creative and funny. He is the only person who can make me smile when I'm feeling down. I do not want him to change.

Matty.....like hell my son is going to be sexually active at 11. I'll keep him locked in his room if I have to. I'll talk to him and make sure he's educated but I am not ok with him being sexually active until he's emotionally mature enough to handle it.

Again I thank you all for taking the time to reply. I just find that I'm in an awkward situation and am unsure about what I should do. I'm trying to get a jump start on the teen years too. I do NOT look forward to those. I've gone through the mood swings and all the other stuff with my older son already. I'll pray that it won't be too much harder for my younger son.

[Pix]

Have you considered homeschooling? It's not that hard. Like teachers those who homeschool get answer books, and if you have a GED or high school diploma then you're qualified. You just have to be careful not to order work books from fundie Christian organizations (who sometimes hide their religious orientation). Of course if you work a lot that may (or may not) be a problem.

Another option is unschooling, which some kids thrive very well on this path. I'm sure every concern you'd have about it is addressed well and easy to understand in The Teenage Liberation Handbook (some children start unschooling before their teens) as well as offer all kinds of resources for socialization to even participating in drama clubs and team sports (there are even Not Back to School Camps which are tolerant, and from what I hear, gay friendly). You should be able to ILL (Inter Library Loan) this from the library, btw (if your library doesn't already have it). Interesting enough kids who are educated outside of schools (not counting the "cults") tend to be a lot less likely to bully and a lot more mature (and tend to have more adult friends).

If your child is going to insist on being a pacifist then he's going to be bullied, and that can mess him up really bad. There's no reason that I can see why he should be forced to be sent to hell every day, and I can think of many reasons why he should not.

[Lynnie]

Pix,
I have thought about home and cyber schooling. The only problem with my son is that he HATES any kind of school work so homeschooling would be out of the question. My only concern with cyberschool is his lack of social interactions. I have a college degree and am trying to get my consulting business up and running. On the plus side, I get to work from home. So someone will be able to be there for him all the time. I have to get his ADD treated before school starts this year. I have put it off as long as I can and I fear the negative impact on his education will be too great if I put it off any longer (I don't like medicating kids). With the meds, he'll also have to see a psychiatrist and I think I will persue counseling and see how one more year goes. After that, I will move. I at least need to get him to an area where he can participate in organized social activities outside of school. He did play on thensoccer and basketball teams but hated attending practices. I had to force him to finish his seasons with both. I had hoped he would develop a fondness for soccer as he was a natural and it was a great way to burn off his extra energy but he wouldn't go for it.

[dfiant]

like hell my son is going to be sexually active at 11. I'll keep him locked in his room if I have to. I'll talk to him and make sure he's educated but I am not ok with him being sexually active until he's emotionally mature enough to handle it.

Sorry if you thought I was saying he would become sexually active at 11, It is a slim chance but in my time here in gayspeak I have discovered that different people become sexually active at very different ages. There is a discussion here which I cannot find that discusses our first time and it suprised me that some people were as young as 8, but not suprised others first time was in the late teens or early 20's which seemed to be the majority.

I think once you have been through the teens years with one child, it is easier the second time around, but I would also like to add that your younger son sounds more grounded, yeah you will probably have challenges, but I think you have already laid some awesome foundations for his transition through his teen years.

When I was pre-teen to teen I was also a non-violent person and didn't fight back when I got bullied and bashed because I am the school 'faggot' and it is horrifying to think that is what your little man has to go through, and I am awefully dishearted to hear you say that he has become reserved because of the way he is treated by peers at school and I certainly remember those days vividly.

I know that with your motherly determination you will find a solution and your little man will be eternally grateful. You are an awesome mum and your eldest and your father sound like wonderful people as well

[azulai]

There is a discussion here which I cannot find that discusses our first time and it suprised me that some people were as young as 8, but not suprised others first time was in the late teens or early 20's which seemed to be the majority.

Is this the one you are looking for? Confession Room: Age