Thinking about others during sex

[ChadCoxRox]

What are you in counseling for and is there a connection between the "progress" you've made in therapy and the awareness you have of NOT being sexually turned on by your partner?

I"m going out on a limb here, but i'll bet that as you've worked thru some of your mental issues in therapy, you're also coming to understand that, perhaps, you are second-guessing your relationship with your bf.

Is sex the SOLE determning factor in a successful LTR - NO! Is NOT being sexually turned on by your partner of 8 years and feeling that sex is a burden or chore that you go thru to keep him happy (but it does nothing for you since he's not your "type" sexually), a problem? YES!

If you don't deal with this soon, one of 2 things is going to happen: You're going to cheat on him or he's going to cheat on you - and, unless you work thru this issue - i'm afraid you'll be "ok" with either of those 2 things happening - it's an exit strategy you're probably working thru!

Can you answer my first question? "What are you in counseling for and is there a connection between the "progress" you've made in therapy and the awareness you have of NOT being sexually turned on by your partner?"

Great reply though I'd clarify the two things that could happen into three. Third being you'll both spend you lifetime together unsatisfied, unfulfilled and/or unhappy. It's too short. If the matter is "big" enough to be a source of pain for you and he knows not of your pain...hmmmm...what does that say about the efficacy of the relationship? Staying together for common sense convenience is a trap that I know VERY well and it is nothing if it is not a WASTE and sad. Best wishes as you sort it out because the way you "appear" in this post you clearly deserve better and so does he IMO.

[Teox]

I have always talked openly about my fantasies and encouraged my partner to do the same and in my opinion it is probably one of the best ingredients in a relationship.

The problem in my opinion is we are all encouraged to idealize love from the moment we pop out of the womb and it is ridiculous because so many people leave miserable lives with or without someone because of the stupid ideals other people planted in their head about how they "should" feel that they try to uphold...and then they die. What a waste...

Truth is...we are all sexual beings and having fantasies is completely normal so instead of shaming and guilting yourself and living in fear...own them...celebrate them...share them with your partner...

Well said boss.

[andrew]

what ever gets you off, right?

[Blue]

In short, monogamy satisfies both our emotional and intellectual side, assuming our partner is living up to his end of the relationship. When that isn't the case it's another ballgame entirely.

But our instinct to reproduce (yeah I know gay and can't really do that) drives us to seek the best physical partner we can imagine. Just that when you're gay, that translates to someone of your gender is all.

Nothing wrong with imagining someone else while with your monogamous partner, and of course when you're soling. Where it might be an indication of a problem is if you are fantasizing about an emotional connection beyond sex with another, then maybe your partner isn't giving you all you need and, you really do need to talk about it.

[Buffylo]

I wanted to get some other guys opinions about something I've thought about for years. You see I've been in a relationship for 8 years. It's been fairly decent but for nearly a year I've been in counseling working though problems, to some success luckily

Is it normal to fantasize about other guys when having sex with your partner? If I'm truly honest with myself, I've rarely gotten turned by him. For this reason he usually has to initiate anything which is frustrating and leaves me constantly using porn to get off. It sounds so shallow but I don't find him cute. He's not my "type" necessarily in looks.

Luckily we get along amazingly and that makes up for what doesn't occur in the bedroom or even affectionately. I tell myself looks fade and a life companion is more important, usually that works. However I fall into this pattern after reading a book, seeing a movie, hearing about someone else's relationship, etc. that make me feel like something is missing. If anyone has any thoughts I'd be so happy to hear them.

Colorfume, all of your posts sound like something that will be said by my boyfriend in a few years. I'm just not his body type.

[watkins]

I have done it a few times but it isn't a regular occurance. Maybe I'm shallow but I dont think I could be in a realtionship with a guy that I didnt find attractive. Obviously other people can if you have been going at it for 8 years!

[zeon]

Hello,
Fantasy about other people is completely normal.. I know that in a relationship there is more to it than sex. I would recommend maybe understanding that you appear comfortable in the relationship with him and to be honest if his treating you very well and looking after you and vice versa then it need not be altered.. I would also say that in life people always say not my type however focus on the inside.. I have been with a variety of people as partners and to be honest its the muscle maries that are the worst for me... Being fake is a turn off

[Zennyboy]

I wanted to get some other guys opinions about something I've thought about for years. You see I've been in a relationship for 8 years. It's been fairly decent but for nearly a year I've been in counseling working though problems, to some success luckily

Is it normal to fantasize about other guys when having sex with your partner? If I'm truly honest with myself, I've rarely gotten turned by him. For this reason he usually has to initiate anything which is frustrating and leaves me constantly using porn to get off. It sounds so shallow but I don't find him cute. He's not my "type" necessarily in looks.

Luckily we get along amazingly and that makes up for what doesn't occur in the bedroom or even affectionately. I tell myself looks fade and a life companion is more important, usually that works. However I fall into this pattern after reading a book, seeing a movie, hearing about someone else's relationship, etc. that make me feel like something is missing. If anyone has any thoughts I'd be so happy to hear them.

This i do see as normal. Let me explain though

No one, can ever deny they have been curious. Its called the "What if" Factor

Now you can be insanely in love with the guy or girl of your dreams, they turn you on, they complete you worlds etc etc etc

But you will still have Fantasies.

Now it is a well known fact, that more than one person will turn you on in your lifetime. Those who is a single dedicated soul to their partner is normally out of morale respect and dedication, even if they notice a fine ass walking the other side of the road, their mind flicks right back to their partner, and especially "was i caught looking"

Now i have a firm belief in this, i have never done short term relationships. EVER. They have always been 5 years and above, one definitly leaves a mark.

Now before i had even come to terms with me being gay i dated girls, i think alot of gay men tend to do this before coming to terms. I dated a girl called Carleen, and boy she was beautiful, lush long blond her, get head on her shoulders, and deeply romantic. I blew the relationship up, because i wanted to spend all my time with her. I was obsessive. It threw a childhood romance out the window.

But because she came clean with me, i learnt from my mistake, never to supressing on anyone, whether friend, girlfriend, boyfriend or whatever.

So when i finally met my boyfriend, the guy im so madly in love with to this very moment, i made one thing clear, firstly, i didnt care if he looked at other guys. for one i dont think im that attractive and count my lucky stars to have this guy in my life in the first place. but the rule of look but no touch stands.

I wanted him to go out, whenever and where ever he wanted, not be like one of my friends who wants to know where his girlfriend is at all times, and controls the cloths she goes out in because he doesnt want other guys eyeing her up. No i want my man to feel free and relaxed and enjoy his life how he wants.

Now there was a time when we started going out, he may have done something with another lad, a lad he fancied before going out with me, he told me about it, and i was like "I dont care, what practice you had works out better for me " and im honest, i didnt care, though i asked him not to do it again, most people storm out on someone when this kind of thing happens.

I have fantasies as much as the next person, its completely in our nature, and its only in the constructs of religion and stuff that we have become confind.

That is why i live freely, and if there is a god, then he will not have wanted anyone to live in a cage, whether physically or mentally.

Agree with me or disagree with me, wont change my point of view, because with this, at least me and my Fiancè can walk to the shops, pass a good looking guy and talk about it, rather than trying to conceal it from each other that we just eyed someone up. Its a great laugh when we have complete opposite opinions.