I'm a closeted gay and I like a Straight (closeted?) guy - Help!

[Adam21]

Hi guys,

Never thought I would actually be one to post on a forum about this, but as they say there is a first time for everything and I'm tired of sifting through countless forums when I could simply just ask myself

As the title suggests (and I know this question has been beaten out countless times so sorry in advance) I am a closeted gay guy who quite deeply likes a (questionable) straight man.

So here goes, I do try to remain as objective as possible to myself and I hate it but I analyse to the millionth degree the actions of this guy, whether it be interpreted as gay or straight.

I met this guy a few months ago as his girlfriend is a good friends with my roommate (as am I). He is 24 and I am 20, and I would only see him once every now and again as me and my roommate were relatively new to the area and entering a whole different group of friends. For the last few weeks I see him probably at least twice a week, and we have a dedicated weekend night where we go around and a few of us have drinks together.

I'll begin with reasons why is think he is straight. The obvious one here is, he has and has had multiple girlfriends. Apparently since his early high school days he has pretty much been in and out of pretty long term relationships. He will talk of girls occasionally when I'm around him and he is into footy like the typical straight guy. Although, at the beginning I never really thought of him being gay but it wouldnt surprise me (and in his eyes I'm straight too) but I just presumed it was off limits so didn't really dwell on it. It wasn't until his girlfriend and my roommate started saying we were pretty much seperated at birth and always used to joke of us being lovers that I gave it a bit of thought. At first when we were at gatherings we used to jokingly do light gay stuff like touch each others ass when others were there and kissing each other on the cheek and the like but nothing really to write home about.

Lately however it has been a different story, We still have never done anything as I don't think either would have the confidence to do so in the first place but things seem to be a little well - different. Call me stupid but if I were to have a gaydar I would love it to be now, It just seems like their is such a tension between us, when in a group of people telling stories I will always catch him staring at me, and when we connect eye contact I just feel like we are on the same level, we will gaze at each other for a few seconds and this happens countless times throughout the night, whether a meter away from each other or across the room we just always seem to lock eyes and if he's telling something to the group he will always revert back and look at me as if he was telling just myself. I know this seems trivial and he had (its complicated) a girlfriend or what not, but I am well aware that he has not had sex with her for about 3 months even though she wanted to. They recently broke up and I went out clubbing with him one night and he talked of the girls that were out, as did I to keep up my faux straight representation. But the thing is he would never act on it, he would be like "she's hot" or whatever and I even offered, I was like sweet lets go talk to that group of girls and he would decline saying he wasn't drunk enough yet, or to give it a bit. I pressed him all night to go talk to some girls and he would always decline and only just say they were attractive but never acted on it. When he was with his previous girlfriend they broke up because he was messaging other girls to talk dirty to him, but multiple times they would offer to come over and to meet up and he just wouldn't reply. Even his ex said that when they were just friends, if a girl was more than happy to meet up with him he would just flake, but he would crave their attention.

We flirt all the time when we are together and when we are hanging out having drinks he has said a few times while on the phone to someone "Ohh, Adams looking pretty hot tonight" clearly in a joking manner, but I guess I'm reading it as a subtle cue. He is such a nice guy and I remember feeling ecstatic when one night we were both drunk walking home and it was me and him and there was a pretty renowned building you could see in the distance but the fence was to high for me to see, so he offered to pick me up and hoisted me up by my hips to get a better look. I know this is pretty ambiguous but I couldn't imagine your typical manly men offering to pick up a friend to get a better look of something. He has also admitted to me that he has had threesomes with 2 guys and 1 girl and that he has made out with other men multiple times 'as a joke while drunk to see what people did'. Other stuff such as we watched magic mike together (with my female roommate, "as a dare" but I enjoyed it haha) as well as we have slept in the same bed once with his ex girlfriend but he was in the middle of us, and another time just me and him with my female roommate on the floor. We often talk of spooning and he says that next time to just do it and spoon him.

I was pretty convinced but I just heard of news a couple of hours ago and I am devastated. He and his ex girlfriend have been seeing each other since they have broken up which I was aware of as I have been there as well, but she now lives about 1000kms away and he might be moving their in December as she is battling bi-polar disorder and a plethora of problems. I would undoubtedly agree that him and her have a connection at least on an emotional level, they have been together for a couple years and yeah they have had sex a lot I imagine (although apparently he just loves receiving head). I know this is most likely unrealistic optimism and I have tried to remain as objective as possible and not be blinded by my lust but sometimes (all the time) its hard not think of what it would be like. I'm never really one to act on telling a guy crush that I like them, I have done it ONCE and that was last year and to be honest, he said no and I was pretty upset. I would love to think this guy is different but doing what I know I should do and come out to him, I couldn't bear him declining, it would cause so many more dramas with it getting out and eventually to my family that I am gay would be terrible, but if I was with him the happiness would beat it 10 fold.

I know its such a cliche topic, and sorry for the long winded explanation, but I'm losing hope that I'll ever find what I'm looking for. Trying to keep on the straight, happy, funny and witty face to everyone is destroying me, and when I got told of the news that he might be leaving in a couple of months, the second my roommate left the house I just burst into tears.

Hope you can help and thanks in advance,
Adam

[pellaz]

first off: welcome to gay speak

you should ask HIM if he is moving. In the same conversation say you feel attracted to him. Tell him as a friend you will support him in what ever decision needs to be made. You might at least have it out in the open.

threesomes are more complicated and almost someone gets left out (you?). There are single gay man who will appreciate your affection. Think of him as a friend?

[ManicReptile21]

All I can say is findout what he is before the root gets to deep. because pulling a weed like that out will unearth your entire life

[hue]

gods, i love him, lol. he sounds wonderful. he's gotta be at least curious
and i think more. and he is definitely interested in you! i'm sooo jealous!

[Blue]

Don't assume, ask, be subtle but ask. Assuming can lead to a world of grief and lost friendships.

[Adam21]

Thanks guys for the warm welcomes and replies. And just to clarify I don't intend on having a threesome with him but just pointing out that he has had a threesome with another guy and a girl, although stranger things have happened with straight men. And I would love to know what he thinks but if he rejects me and distances himself from me, I will be absolutely gutted to say the least. And yes Hue haha clearly I'm biased but he is one of the most happy, fun, thoughtful and caring people in the world and even when we just 'connect' and look at each other from across to the room, the feeling I get is indescribable. I know this all sounds pretty adolescent but I actually think this one is worth fighting for.

My only issue is that he clearly has a connection with his ex girlfriend (they're pretty much still together) if he has been with her that long and that he is contemplating uprooting his life to move with her just ruins me. As I mentioned before, she is suffering from bi-polar and he is doing his best to be there for her, not to mention he lost his job last week so the added security of having someone to halve rent with and additional support to pay their joint loans wouldn't go astray. I won't doubt that he has definitely has or has had a deep connection with her as he does get upset about it, especially while drunk. There is just something in my that sets off my untuned gaydar. Everything I say he ends up saying, laughs at everything that I do and doesn't seem uncomfortable with subtle touching such as an arm around the shoulder, and tells us how he is always talking of me and my (female) roommate to all his workmates, plus all that was mentioned in the original post.

Is there anyway of finding out subtlety without having to expose my identity? I know that there is no 100% answer if you don't ask straight out, but is there any other way of finding out by other means? And also from what I've told you guys in your honest opinion do you think he is gay or straight, I've tried to include all objective evidence to eliminate any bias that could come into play. Thanks heaps guys

[pellaz]

... And also from what I've told you guys in your honest opinion do you think he is gay or straight ...

he's gay, not out to anything/anyone/himself good luck, I dont think he has given it any to much thought (being with a guy)
tho he seems like a kind generous giving person

[Blue]

I get the impression he may be bi or bi curious and, uneasy about saying so, or possibly only out to his partner(s).

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Maybe he is, or maybe he is not.

Obviously you both have mouths and know now to use that strange language you Australians speak. So maybe you should pull him aside and ask him to tie your kangaroo down (mate?) and if he is bi/gay. :tongue:

Or is it watch the wallabies feed (mate)?

There are no secret handshakes, no coded messages, no badges and buttons that subtly give off the Gay Signal to clue in other gays.

Lord knows we have tried through the decades - but every subtle sign we adopt has been swiftly taken over by the straights. One of the earliest 'signals' was the pocket square - you know that scrap of material that is in the upper pocket of men's suits. It started in the middle late 1800's as code for gay men. By 1920 it was the must have accessory of all suits gay or straight. Its been that way with every single subtle statement we gays have adopted. We are only fashion queens by accident, We never had an interest in fashion, we were only trying to find a subtle code/statement....:biggrin:

From what you said I think there is little to fear coming out to him. Everything you have written points towards tolerance. I think the risk of rejection here is very low.

[Buffylo]

Maybe he is, or maybe he is not.

Obviously you both have mouths and know now to use that strange language you Australians speak. So maybe you should pull him aside and ask him to tie your kangaroo down (mate?) and if he is bi/gay. :tongue:

Or is it watch the wallabies feed (mate)?

There are no secret handshakes, no coded messages, no badges and buttons that subtly give off the Gay Signal to clue in other gays.

Lord knows we have tried through the decades - but every subtle sign we adopt has been swiftly taken over by the straights. One of the earliest 'signals' was the pocket square - you know that scrap of material that is in the upper pocket of men's suits. It started in the middle late 1800's as code for gay men. By 1920 it was the must have accessory of all suits gay or straight. Its been that way with every single subtle statement we gays have adopted. We are only fashion queens by accident, We never had an interest in fashion, we were only trying to find a subtle code/statement....:biggrin:

From what you said I think there is little to fear coming out to him. Everything you have written points towards tolerance. I think the risk of rejection here is very low.

What he said.


Do it. You're a man. Just cause you're gay doesn't mean you have any less balls. Use em, and you may get to use em :biggrin: