4 months in and infidelity is here already....

[dashboardcogs]

I've had a very bad taste in my mouth about steady relationships since my last one ended 3 years ago. About 4 months ago though I met an incredible guy though that has since met every expectation I've needed in a partner. We've rarely spent more than three days apart since we've met, and we quickly became really integrated into each others lives, we've even travelled together. Everything was going swimingly well (or so I thought) until last week. We had just gotten in from a night out, and while he was in the bathroom his phone buzzed with a message along the lines of 'around for sex?'. There has never been any indication in my mind suggesting he was cheating on me, and I shrugged it off. Last night however, it happened again, from a different number, and I investigated. Going through the messages feed, its pretty obvious he's been cheating on me once a month since we started dating. I can tell from the context of the messages its purely a sexual encounter, but nonetheless I was under the impression that we were a monogamous couple, given the state of our close relationship.

No, we've never actually discussed being completely monogamous, I know, "bad, bad, bad". But we have dropped hints consistently throughout our 4 months, him more so than me. Through conversations I've had with his close friends it's something he's been looking for for a long time, and we're known in our circle as the 'perfect cute couple'. We've changed our facebook statuses, he's met everyone but my parents, etc.

I've been thinking about this all day, and I guess what I really need is input on how to confront him. I feel like I know too much because I've gone through his phone. I also have difficulty accepting "You need to have a talk and officially declare boundaries" as a means to a solution because it feels like such a cop out on his part. I feel like we have clearly been a monogamous couple this entire time and have difficulty in my mind seeing him viewing it any other way.

But I'm still not quite ready to completely wash my hands of this thing, I'd be willing to try and work through it if possible.

[monk]

"You need to have a talk and officially declare boundaries"


You already know the answer to this problem. You have to tell him - he's not a mind-reader!:biggrin:

All the best.

P.S. Welcome to Gayspeak!

[Lemon]

Don't give him an ultimatum unless you have to.
Listen to whatever he says and take account of it.
There may be negative or hurtful things he'll tell you, that to him, gives him a reason to cheat.
You need to see his side as well as yours and try to find a compromise.
Maybe it's just something he feels that you do (or not do) that makes him looking elsewhere. This again is only an example; I'm not saying its your fault at all.
If you both are able to communicate and find the problem, the all you have to do is work together to fix it.
But if he says he can't live in a monogamous relationship, then it ultimately comes down to you. You can either leave him, try and pursuade him more, or... give in to his wish for an open relationship despite your feelings.
Please do what's best for you.
He's clearly been doing what's best for himself.
So don't let him win and suppress your feelings and voice.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Implied monogamy isn't stated monogamy.

However, I personally would not be interested in a man who is still willing to hook up with others during our dating phase. 4 months is a long enough time for him to commit or quit. Maybe the first month of dates (no sex, I don't do sex during the first 30 days) sex on the side with others while we try to figure out if we are compatible, 4 months - no. I don't do that.

You need to come up with three 'very important, deal breaker, rules' that you put out there on the first date.

In this case if monogamy is important to you you need to tell the person you are dating that monogamy is a must have in a relationship.

[BobInTampa]

First off, know you're NOT alone in your situation! Unfortunatly it's way to common an issue that alot of new couples deal with (gay and str8 alike - yea, let's not bash gay men for just being whores).

Ok, now my advice. A couple things jump out at me. First, you know you should have had the "monogamy" conversation along time ago. You know the old saying, when you "assume" something you make an ass of you and me - and while it's tough to swallow, it's true. If you haven't had that specific conversation about the status of your relationship (not just about monogamy, but are you "seeing each other" or "just dating" or "dating exclusively?"). And then, yes, the monogamy chat needed to happen.

The second issue is your invasion of his privacy. Yes, you saw a text message on his phone so you weren' treally snooping at first, but then you DID go on his phone. You should have siezed the opportunity after that first text message and asked him when he got out of the shower, "Honey, you got a text message while you were in teh shower from some guy named XXXXX..i wasn't snooping, i just looked over when it appeared on the screen, and it sure sounded like he was hitting you up for sex." See, that would have given him the opportunity to explain things (it may have been a fuck-bud from the past who was making a booty call request - simple as that) - and it would have given you 2 the chance to talk about monogamy.

Now, it's past that so here's the problem. if you bring up monogamy and use those text messages as proof of your concern about him cheating (and NOT having had the discussion) he may just get pissed and bolt. ANd while it may sound like he's avoiding the subject, your invasion of his privacy will overshadow the issue at hand and he could easily say, "I'm not cheating and i never met with these guys who i used to have sex with, but since you can't trust me, i'm gone."

So what are your options? HAVE THE DATING/MONOGAMY chat without including the text messages. If he loves you and is a stand-up man, and wants to "be exclusive and monogamous" then all you have to do is reinforce your feelings on trust and monogamy - i told my BF when we discussed being exclusive and being monogamous, that i had a "zero-tolerance" for cheating - and he agreed. So, if he does want to be with you alone and be monogamous - i would suggest you both agree in a zero-tolrerance policy.

Oh, here's anotehr thing...when my partner and i agreed to being exclusive and monogamous, we exchanged each otehr's email, Facebook and phone passwords. I mean, if you have nothing to hide, then doing that shouldn't be an issue - if he balks, then you need to talk more about trust and cheating.

Unless you actually caught him with a guy, you can't accuse him of cheating (unless you've left out some important facts here)...so to bring up your fears and concerns is unfair - that ship has already left and you can't grow your trust level.

You have to decide if you want to WORK at your relationship and that starts with communication.

Finally, understand that you know from his past that he was a "player" and probably had alot of sex with alot of different guys who were just looking for a sexual friendship. THose guys don't care he's dating you - they just want a piece of ass....but your man may want to retain the freindships without the sex.

Again, unless you have solid proof he's cheated or is cheating, you have to give him the benefit of the doubt!

[pellaz]

i was helping the partner over some cell phone issues. he had an odd reaction so when he was not looking i look at his text message log and yes he was texting some guy. We talked about the next day. A month later i found a wet condom in his murse. Again we talked about it. Told him he is 2of3 strikes out on this and he has to clean up his act sorta to speak. We dont use protection.

everyone has an opinion on this:
Rainbowmum said i was wrong in spying on him.

i have know him for 3years and this is the first time i feel unsure of things. His timing is not good in all this.

[Blue]

First, decide what you want, need and are willing to accept in a relationship, then make that clear to your partner. If he cannot live up to that, then you and he need to make the call, either you compromise, or you separate.

Sleeping around at 4 months in - no in my book, unless it's supposed to be an open relationship, in which case it's fine. (and protection is required ALWAYS).

The biggest problem I see here is lack of communication, you've got to tell your partner what you expect, want an need. NEVER assume they can take hints or should know anything you have not told them directly. Doing that leads to misunderstandings, fights and unneeded tension between you.

[Rainbowmum]

Hello dashboardcogs,

First let say welcome you to G.S.
Sweetie , this might be hard to hear,but you really do need to draw the borders of your relationship.

If you are at a loss of how to approach it , ask him what relationship you both have.
Take it from there.



Good luck with this.

We are all here for you.

[Cav937]

I'm a bit conservative in the dating scene. You should have laid out your boundaries, I agree with that sentiment.

However, non-disclosure is still a lie in my book. I dont think it should be your burden to ask that he be monogamous. The fact that he hasn't mentioned his side piece tells me that he knew he was wrong or else he wouldn't mind saying "hey babe, im gonna pick up some milk and sex, be right back".

If he cant see your value by now, he may not be the one for you.

[East]

As I will never promise anyone monogamy nor allow anyone to promise monogamy to me...I have to look at it for the thing I value which is HONESTY.

So my advice...get to know who you are...at least at this moment as you will evolve along the way...and be true to yourself.

The best relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself.