26 out of the closet, would like support

[ryuzaki86]

Hello, my name is nathan baker i am 26 and JUST came out of the closet. I grew up in a small hick town in washington, into a mormon based family. I grew up with the dogma that enfeminate males where to be met with violence. When i was little (6-7 years old) i experimented with a male cousin, he ended up doing something with a neighbor and ended up in juvenile detention, then everyone in my family found out about me and most disowned me. In order to try to gain the acceptance of my family, decided that i wasn't gay and led my entire life in a fashion to prove to the world that i was anything but that. My parent's were abusive reguardless, so i started working out, and after a period of time, i had convinced myself i wasn't, despite DAILY fantasies of being enfeminate in bed. I came out of the closet recently because i hit a point where i was tired of trying to play games with the people i craved love from because there was no winning.
The problem is now, i want to express myself in a more enfeminate manner, and i want to find a domiate (top?) type of guy, but i feel as if my working out ruins my chances of being attractive. I worry and obsess alot over my looks, and feel very embarassed about myself, i want to feel beautiful, good about myself, and normal but i'm too realistic to take myself seriously. There is NO support here, and it's very hard to wanna wake up everyday... I started working out again because it makes me feel better chemically, but i'm conflicted with myself, because i don't have gay friends, role models, or have been given any chance to discover myself. I need some new friends. and would love to find a date. I am very romantically inclined, and want to save my virginity for someone special.
It's really taking me alot of courage to come out like this, but i feel right, and i feel that emptiness inside go away a little. I'm sure this is cliche but im am very new to all of this, and to fight this alienation i've felt all my life would love people to talk to.

[ChadCoxRox]

Hi ry, welcome to GS! I could certainly relate to all the mixed thoughts and feelings you describe. I know you will find your way though because you are smart enough to reach out. GS is a great place to sort some things out as you move forward. Best wishes as you come into your own true self!

Hope you make good progress on identifying that which is irrational versus that which is rational and feed the one you think serves you best!

[pellaz]

... I'm sure this is cliche but im am very new to all of this, and to fight this alienation i've felt all my life would love people to talk to.

really
what do you want us to say... the real questions.

[Aro]

Welcome to gay speak!!! Hope you find what you need and i am always in the chat room at night, if you need someone to chat with. ^^

[Counselor]

: jawdrop:
I don't believe this! Nathan, I live in Longview/Kelso, I know it's difficult in this area to find support, and this forum is full of great people with good hearts, much better than I can claim to have. Welcome!

[dfiant]

G day and welcome...just for the record, poofters are not effeminate...effeminate people are effeminate...Gay men like gay men, you know, like real men that talk in a husky voice, drink beer, scratch their balls, swear and watch football?

I don't understand how being well built is going to affect you finding a relationship with another man...you need to get over stereotypes before you can feel comfortable with yourself.

[monk]

Welcome!

[Dillon]

G day and welcome...just for the record, poofters are not effeminate...effeminate people are effeminate...Gay men like gay men, you know, like real men that talk in a husky voice, drink beer, scratch their balls, swear and watch football?

I don't understand how being well built is going to affect you finding a relationship with another man...you need to get over stereotypes before you can feel comfortable with yourself.

Agreed good sir but then again these could be considered stereotypes as well.

"but i feel as if my working out ruins my chances of being attractive."
...wait what? If you feel comfortable working out and still want to be the less dominate one in a relationship, this is acceptable, Nathan. A good man will accept you for who you are. You just have to be comfortable in your own skin first.

"I'm sure this is cliche but I am very new to all of this,"
I laughed. Most days I still question if the guys I find attractive are actually attractive and not just something I think to make myself different from everyone else.

Hope you find that thing in life that makes you happy. And no I am not talking about a guy. Instead of looking for love, focus more on what makes or what you think would make you happy.

Here is a couple of sheep using jump ropes to bring a chuckle (hopefully) into your life.

[dfiant]

Agreed good sir but then again these could be considered stereotypes as well.

On the contrary good condescending sir, it was an example that DIDN'T fit already preconcieved stereotypes.

[Dillon]

Apologizes and thank you
I read that sentence too quickly and missed that whole little part of "you know,"