Hey folks, some of you may remember I posted here a while back asking for help, so I guess this is kind of an update/new request for advice? So, I'm a 17 year old gay guy, and I know this may sound like typical high school drama or whatever, but bear with me here. For the last 2 years I developed incredibly strong feelings for another guy in my class, and over the course of two years we grew really close, skype chatting every night for hours, making tons of unnecessary body contact in class (the awkward leg overlapping when sitting next to each other and stuff like that), and even giving each other these really cute nick names that only we used. He knew I was gay and even then continued to act the same way and constantly be flirty and casually touch me.
Anyways, long story short, I told him how I felt, he said he thought he was bisexual and that he really liked me, but that there was someone else he was into, and after about three days, during which the flirting on his side and casual touching amplified a ton, he messaged me saying he thinks he's straight and but he wants to stay really close friends. Queue emotional crisis. After a while some friends talked me into going to an LGBT teen group, where I met someone who over time I started to become fond of.
A month or two went by, and me and this new guy began officially dating. I thought it was all going to be fine, I didn't care about the old guy as much anymore, and I was really happy with this new guy. But about a week or two ago, a little while after we started dating, I couldn't help but feel like the connection just wasn't the same. Where as with the old guy I would fall asleep and wake up every day thinking about him, I just don't get that with this new guy, and although I really like him, there just isn't that same spark.
This has gotten worse over the last couple days because the old guy has started talking to me again, casually brushing up against me repeatedly, making faces from across the room, using our old nick names for each other, etc. which has completely destroyed my confidence in the fact that I made the right choice. I'm really fucking confused right now cause I can't logically find a reason why I feel like there's something wrong with the guy I'm dating, but I can't help but compare it to that old feeling and feel like it's just... not there.
Does anyone who's been through this or understands this have ANY advice on what to do? I really just need anyone to help tell me what's going on
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Has the novelty worn off?
It sounds to me that if you are not going to make an effort to commit to your new relationship, you'd both be better off breaking it up and letting one another go free. I'm not sure how new guy is going to take this. Once again I'd advise being open with your feelings, not that it's easy to admit that you're not feeling as committed, but, somehow, it would be fairer to him.
As for "old" guy, it sounds like you're having trouble letting him go, maybe you are still hoping that something will come out of that relationship and maybe that thought is still romantic to you (the idea that something might happen with him). There again, maybe you just need to talk this one out with him. After all, you did spend a lot of time together on chats, so you ought to be able to reconnect with him and be honest with him, don't you think?
Good luck with sorting things out, young man and hopefully things will fall back into place.
PS Can you talk about this to your mum, or a parent or sibling??
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first off welcome back to gs
-does your new bf know about your old boy friend's renewed interest?
-all three of you are from the same school?
if your dating someone you really need to tell your old bf to get lost. He had his chance and didnt have it together. I think your old boyfriend will continue to lead you on and in the end with him you will have nothing.
your first love is always strong. I dont think you gave it enough time between the old bf and the new guy. Under the circumstances your new boy friend sounds great. Have fun and enjoy life. I would tell him how much you love him.
hope this helps, my two cents anyways. if not what you wanted to hear sorry.
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princealbertofb Wrote:Has the novelty worn off?
What do you mean by novelty? I'm just struggling because I DO really want to commit to this relationship, but every time I try I end up feeling like it's not right, or that things would feel totally different if it was the old guy in his place, if you get what I'm saying? I just don't want the new guy to develop romantic feelings and then end up hurt if they're not entirely reciprocated. I don't even know how to talk to him about it, because I don't want to break up with him but there's also this elephant in the room that's keeping me from wanting to move things forward in the relationship. It's hard because I desperately want to talk to the old guy about this because I feel like he's the only one who gets me enough to understand, but I have no idea how to bring it up without looking like I'm crazy and unable to move on, which I guess in a sense I am....
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pellaz Wrote:-does your new bf know about your old boy friend's renewed interest?
-all three of you are from the same school?
As of now my current boyfriend knows almost nothing about the old guy at all, partially because they've never met and partially because I'm too afraid of the consequences of bringing him up will be. The old guy and I go to the same school, and I met my current boyfriend through an LGBT teen group. I want to tell the old guy to get lost, but I don't really know how to because technically we never really dated and even after claiming to be bisexual and having feelings for me, he now has said he's pretty sure he's just straight, so it wouldn't be as straightforward as just saying go away, if you get what I'm saying? I WISH I had a good way to talk to him about it, but I'm shot for ideas on how to bring it up at all or what to say...
I DEFINITELY agree in retrospect that I didn't give enough time between the two, but now I've somewhat committed to an official relationship so I have no idea how to handle things without him ending up as confused as I am
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PFlyers Wrote:What do you mean by novelty? I'm just struggling because I DO really want to commit to this relationship, but every time I try I end up feeling like it's not right, or that things would feel totally different if it was the old guy in his place, if you get what I'm saying? I just don't want the new guy to develop romantic feelings and then end up hurt if they're not entirely reciprocated. I don't even know how to talk to him about it, because I don't want to break up with him but there's also this elephant in the room that's keeping me from wanting to move things forward in the relationship. It's hard because I desperately want to talk to the old guy about this because I feel like he's the only one who gets me enough to understand, but I have no idea how to bring it up without looking like I'm crazy and unable to move on, which I guess in a sense I am....
you are still in love with the first guy, and you are about to hurt the new one. At least this is how I see it. You hardly can have them both.
I would suggest stay out of any relationship for some time and get over the first guy and more importantly talk to him about what his intentions are. Is he just playing with you or has he changed his mind? Maybe he sees that you are in a new relationship and because of that it is "safe" to hit on you - because you won't take it any further and he (the old guy) can have his fun with you...
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I would second what Nick said. You are in rebound mode and, that is NOT the time to be starting a new relationship. Those rarely work because you are expecting the new guy to be like the old guy.
Back off, get over both of them, then try again.
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a bit of solitude would probably do you good because you're not in a state to commit to your relationship if there isn't that spark between you. As for old guy, you'll probably have to let him go because he's straight. He's tried the gay thing, he's decided it isn't for him. What's the point of trying to have a relationship which you've never had with him if he's not into it?
By novelty, I meant that once a relationship starts there is the element of novelty, discovery and curiosity. When those elements have gone, the novelty has worn off and the incentive to making it work is lessened. You'd have to feel the love for him to wish to make it work. It sounds to me like you'd be better off alone for the moment. What's the rush? Do any of the two guys have expectations as far as you're concerned, do you think? Are you trying to make this thing work, despite yourself, just out of respect for them?
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Nick9 Wrote:you are still in love with the first guy, and you are about to hurt the new one. At least this is how I see it. You hardly can have them both.
I would suggest stay out of any relationship for some time and get over the first guy and more importantly talk to him about what his intentions are. Is he just playing with you or has he changed his mind? Maybe he sees that you are in a new relationship and because of that it is "safe" to hit on you - because you won't take it any further and he (the old guy) can have his fun with you...
Thanks so much, this is honestly deep down what I've been feeling like for the past couple days is right. I'm just afraid that there's no way to talk about things with the new guy without instantly becoming a huge asshole... I mean, this guy made a point of introducing me to his family a week into us dating and seems really committed, so I'm not sure how to approach things in a way where he'll understand and not be hurt.
I also have no idea how to approach things with the old guy, because when he said he thought he was straight that kinda became like a book ender, if you get what I'm saying? I really really really want to talk to him about it but I have no idea what to say. Should I just tell him the way he sent mixed signals was really confusing and ended up really hurting me and asking if he could explain why he said he was bisexual and then changed his mind?
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Blue Wrote:I would second what Nick said. You are in rebound mode and, that is NOT the time to be starting a new relationship. Those rarely work because you are expecting the new guy to be like the old guy.
Back off, get over both of them, then try again.
Ok, should I just honestly explain this situation to the new guy? Cause I don't want to come off as harsh and make him feel like he was just a rebound given that it seems like he has pretty legitimate feelings
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