New relationship taking a lot of work

[Anonymous]

To be honest, the red flag for me is that you're paying for his expenses.

If the relationship were to wayne and fail then he clearly has a lot more to loose that you do. For this reason alone he will be looking to sustain the relationship for as long as possible, which is why you may both be finding things hard going at the moment. You because your want to commit, but are getting frustrated with where things seem to be heading, him because he has no other options at the moment, irrespective of any particular phase that the relationship may be in.

I know you said there is 10 years between you (and nothing wrong with that) but you don't actually say what age you are? This will have a bearing on whether its even practical for him to repay you regardless of stated intentions, which could also be putting additional strain on the relationship.

All relationships take work to maintain and nurture, and its perfectly normal to have arguments along the way, but if your struggling at this stage (before you're cohabiting) then I suspect things may deteriorate further unless you have an open and honest heart to heart so you both understand what each of you want, and where the common goals are, if indeed there are any.

Good Luck.

ObW
x

Thanks.

First of all, I'm in my 40s, he's in his 30s. We're both professional and educated.

We do try to talk.

As I explained to another poster, the money I offered him came with the understanding it's not a "gift". It comes with "no strings attached". To be paid back after he's working, and most likely deducted from my portion of the (future) rent.

We also agreed that no matters what happens to the relationship we would be adults about the repayment. And if he ever feels "trapped" in this relationship due to taking the money, we'll need to stop.

I've made it clear, I'm NOT BUYING HIS LOVE.

Frankly, I'm surprised (naive?) at how much attention the financial aspect of our relationship as received in this thread. I know I brought it up as a top stresser. But I think for the two of us, it's really his lack of employment that is making things hard.

His unemployment affects his mood, self esteem, how he manages his time, etc...

The money/debt situation seems secondary to all that. Or maybe I'm out to lunch. I'm not sure.

[pellaz]

.. I'm a gay man dating another gay man who's 10 years younger. We've known each other for 1 year. Dating exclusively for 6 months. We're in love, but we have differences and disagreements. Ok. We have arguments (like everyone?).

-10 years dif is my personal limit, so i know i could deal with it.
-most straights (the other 95%) move in after 9mo so 1 year is great
-everyone has differences and disagreements. You can take the lead on this; it takes 2 to argue so just say no. Let things calm down and talk about it later.

... My younger BF is also bothered by how hard things seem to be. He prefers things to be "easy and natural". I told him, if we let things just be easy and natural this relationship would have extinguished a long time ago. ...

-together get some couples training, start inexpensive, try a gay group session. relationships are much the same, a straight group might work but i hate to be the odd couple in the group, so i like the hard to find gay marriage counseling stuff.
-it really gets better as both of you submit. sounds bad but its your new hobby, you take the lead and be the better man.

... Things complicating our relationship:
--He's unemployed (but looking hard for work and interviewing)
--I'm paying his rent/expenses (with a mutual agreement for repayment)
--My lease is up end of Dec. (I need a place to live; why pay 2 rents?)
--Discussed moving in together (but we agree it's early in relationship)
--Holidays/winter is coming (added seasonal stress)
--(other peripheral aggravations that add up, but are manageable) ...

-move in, look on line to learn the format and get a written lease agreement between you and your bf. How you two give notice of leaving. Who pays what when. Leave out the emotional things tho. most straight couples move in together after less than a year.
-Concentrate on saving and reducing expenses. Instead of going to a restaurant have him cook a picknick lunch and both of you goto a part and eat.
-reduce the consumption of alcohol to help better deal with the winter stress.
-if you pay the rent, he cooks, cleans, etc this is a fair exchange. Looking for a job is a full time job so dont get mad if dinner is not always ready In todays job market only a matter of time you get laid off so be supportive of the his job search efforts today. Tomorrow it will be you.

... Any perspective here? Is the amount of effort so early in the relationship an indication of how much we love each other? Or is this a red flag ...

i think you forgot to post here how it feels to snuggle with him late at night. How it feels to come home to some one. If you are the mature logical man it is an opportunity to be the better gay man. Tell him you love him, how his parents worked hard (i hope) at their relationship why should he not do the same. Use the "WE" word every chance you get. Relationships can be built on differences; where everyone brings something different to the table, adding up to just more than two people. This is how the straights do it, why cant a gay couple do better?

[Anonymous]

-10 years dif is my personal limit, so i know i could deal with it.
-most straights (the other 95%) move in after 9mo so 1 year is great too
-everyone has differences and disagreements, it takes 2 to argue so just say no. Let things calm down and talk about it then. You take the lead on this.

Interesting statistic. I didn't know that. Thanks.

-together get some couples training, start inexpensive, try a gay group session. relationships are much the same, a straight group might work but i hate to be the odd couple in the group, so i like the hard to find gay marriage counseling stuff.
-it really gets better as both of you submit to each other. sounds bad but its your new hobby, you take the lead and be the better man.

Already considered counseling. Brought it up and BF raised an eyebrow, as if to say, You think things are THAT bad? Haven't talked about it since.

-move in, look on line to learn the format and get a written lease agreement between you and your bf. How you two give notice of leaving. Who pays what when. Leave out the emotional things tho.
-i think if you pay the rent, he cooks, cleans, etc this is a fair exchange. In todays job market only a matter of time you get laid off so be supportive of the his job search efforts today. Tomorrow it will be you
-move in, most straight couples move in together after less than a year.

Lease agreement sounds interesting. Will investigate. But honestly I'd have a hard time saying, I pay the rent, you do the housework. He's already quite tidy. I have no worries in this department. And I TOTALLY agree, in this economy it could just as easily be me out of work tomorrow. I told him, today I'm helping you, in the future I might need your help. This is karma.

i think you forgot to post here how it feels to snuggle with him late at night. How it feels to come home to some one. If you are the mature logical man it is an opportunity to be the better gay man. Tell him you love him, how his parents worked hard (i hope) at their relationship why should he not do the same. Use the "WE" word every chance you get. Relationships can be built on differences; where everyone brings something different to the table, adding up to just more than two people. This is how the straights do it, why cant a gay couple do better?

Yes, yes, yes.
I love waking up next to him.

[pellaz]

than leave that out of the lease agreement, include the other things tho

counseling is not a bad thing, not like you need medical help. It is difficult to learn new things. No reason two boys cant pick up tips on how to live better.

[Anonymous]

than leave that out of the lease agreement, include the other things tho

counseling is not a bad thing, not like you need medical help. It is difficult to learn new things. No reason two boys cant pick up tips on how to live better.

Totally agree. Thanks for the ideas and encouragement.

[Nick9]

Frankly, I'm surprised (naive?) at how much attention the financial aspect of our relationship has received in this thread.

You know, I wanted to address it, but then I realized that I know the same situation from my own relationship. It's not that unusual and not primarily wrong.

I think that after Bowyn's experience we are more careful and prone to see all the bad possibilities.

Also, giving this thread's nature, we look for (possible) problems.

[Anonymous]

You know, I wanted to address it, but then I realized that I know the same situation from my own relationship. It's not that unusual and not primarily wrong.

I think that after Bowyn's experience we are more careful and prone to see all the bad possibilities.

Also, giving this thread's nature, we look for (possible) problems.

Right. Understood. Thanks.