Friendship issues

[ChrisD]

Hey everyone- I could use a little advice with an issue I'm having with one of my friends......
So anyway, one of my best friends from way back is obviously a very good friend..... except for that he is very homophobic and makes offensive and sometimes kinda scary statements about the entire gay community when the topic is brought up.... the catch is, he has no idea that I'm gay.
So, should I try to bring up the topic and just tell him (try to reason with him to convince him that his views may be misguided), or should I go on accepting what he thinks and keep my mouth shut for the sake of our friendship?

Sorry for the rant and any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[Varanus]

I feel so sorry for you, as I can totally understand where your coming from.
Ive always associated with the rough and tough/Jock type crowds and as i finally discovered my sexuality and started to accept who i was it was a little bit difficult hearing close friends speak the way they where and the torment they gave to other Gay men at school was horrendous.
So fast forward 4 years and guess how many of them I still socialize with 2 maybe 3 that's because most of them obviously couldn't accept me for who i was/am and that suits me perfect as i wouldn't want them in my life.
But of late since coming out to literally everyone ive started to make huge personal changes both physically and mentally and my best friend of 11 years was very homophobic before i came out but when i did he accepted me and still does...which is brilliant of course.
But in saying all this, it is a personal choice you have to choose and go through because 99% of us here would have gone through the same process before and its never easy but if this friend of yours cant accept you for who you truly are he is not a true friend.

[ThatRobGuy]

This is an interesting predicament and one I find myself in as well, with a friend of more than 10 years. I have heard that often times, homophobes' minds are changed when they discover that a close friend or family member is gay; it changes their perspective and makes being gay more of a "personal" thing rather than an abstract word.

In my situation, I am not sure I will ever tell my friend. He is very ignorant about being gay in general (thinks it's a choice, it's "not natural," etc.) so I don't believe, in his case, that his mind will be changed. He is extremely stubborn apart from this issue as well, which also drives my decision.

If your friend seems open-minded about other things or has demonstrated a willingness to listen to other peoples' opinions and perspectives, maybe you could talk to him about it. I also notice that you are 16 years old and there are many kids that age who think they have a problem with gays, but it's just an immaturity type of thing and they grow out of it. This was the case in my school anyway.

Best of luck either way! I hope you are able to tell him and that he accepts you for who you are.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Hey Chris,

So I have two questions for you:

1. Do you still consider him to be a best friend?
2. How would you feel if his reaction was to out you?

Most straight guys who mouth off about gays, are usually just following the crowd. There is also a school of thought that he who doth protest too much.....

Anyway, only you can decide if you want to tell him. Me? I think you should as I think he will have a lot of respect for you and it will bond the friendship even further.

From what Ive seen of your few postings so far, I think your mature enough to handle any fallout, good or bad

Good Luck,
ObW
x

[Rainbowmum]

I am not sure about this at all.
Do you really want to associate yourself with someone that is full of hate and rage?

I know he is your friend , but if you can not be yourself around him and you fear some of his comments ,I would say reevaluate your friendship with this man.

You deserve better, you deserve someone that will accept you for you.
We are all here for you.

[ChrisD]

Thanks rainbowmum Maybe I spoke too harshly of him at first. He really is a nice person I think I just have to convince him that his views are....... uneducated on this issue. And he's not full of hate and rage trust me- he's probably just not used to actually dealing with a gay person. ThatRobGuy had a good point about how once people like this realize that "gay people" is not just an abstract idea, they tend to soften up. I was just a little worried at the time about how I was going to tell him. Thanks again!

[monk]

I've been confronted many times with the words "I hate queers", to which I've always replied "Be careful - you're talking to one".

You'd be amazed at some of the turnarounds I've seen.

Good luck.

[Rumble88]

I had three best friends and they were girls. I really liked spending time with them because we had something in commen; we weren't caring about other people and what they think about us. But like i said they were my best friends and i cared about their opinions. I told them and.. well they're not my best friends anymore. They didn't stop talking to me and they are trying to be like we used to be but they hurted me so much. I saw the pity and ''thats wrong'' look in their eyes. And they said ''how can we fix you?''. Every time i start to talk about i am planning to go to another country they know why i want it and they are telling me ''Its not that easy and you are not going anywhere. Besides everything, you can't afford that''. I know its hard and i have no idea how to do that. But its different when someone shows you the face of ugly truth. I am trying to push those ''friends'' away but everybody like that in Turkey. They are like vampires, sucking the life outta me. I suggest you not to tell him. Somethings cannot taken back. It will never be the same.

[Rawr]

Try to take a more relaxful approach. The next time he mentions something homophobic, act as if you don't care. Tell him you don't mind homosexuals, as long as there not bothering you, then you don't care.

This way your not going out of your way to defend gay people. Your simply stating an opinion. All people are the same to some extent (we're all equally unique, but hopefully you get my point), if they don't bother me, then I don't mind how they live there life. If he does retort with something immature, saying your gay for defending gay people etc... then you have the defense of saying you feel the same way about anybody. If he continues his immaturity then stay mature and respond with "cool" or another simple response. People are people, they all deserve equality, that's all there is to it. End of conversation.

He might adopt some of your views and hold back on the homophobic attitude in the future.

[mihai]

1st of all explain him the thing , if he stops and not laugh in your face, he is a friend ... if not otherwise.
Other way he will refuse you then he will miss you as a friend .