Thank you for all of the responses!
I agree that having a conversation about it is probably the best course of action.
I am curious, to anyone who has been the one in my boyfriend's position, did you want the threesome because you didn't have strong/deep feelings for your partner or was that not even a factor? My whole concern with this is that my boyfriend doesn't feel as deeply for me as I thought he did, but maybe I am misunderstanding his point of view on a threesome; for me, I could not have a threesome involving someone I care about deeply as seeing them with someone else would hurt me badly. Maybe it's just not that way for everyone?
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Before I chime in on my feelings about 3somes, i have to tell you first off its GOOD that your BF feels comfortable talking about his fantasies with you. If you just shut him down, and got into a fight about it, he'd probably NEVER share his fantasies with you. Ok, next, while i understand you're feeling a bit upset that he'd be willing to "share you" with someone else, i have to remind you of something you said at the beginning of your post. This is your BF's FIRST real gay relationship. Your profile dosn't say how old you are (or how old your BF is) but i'm guessing you're in your over 18 but in your early 20's? Why is this an issue? Well, think about it. You're both young. He's in his first gay LTR, and you're monogamous. It's VERY NORMAL for him to be thinking about the casual sex he had before you 2 met, and the sex you 2 enjoy as a couple. Ok, i'm NOT saying that it's impossible for 2 young gay men to be in a 100%, fully satisfying monogamous relationship. What i AM saying is that your BF may be thinking about wanting to "experiment" with other men while being in a long-term, committed relationship with you. Think about how many partner's he's had before you? If it's not alot, it's not uncommon for a guy to wonder what it's like to experiment with other guys.
This really does come down to how YOU feel about experimentation in your bedroom. As others have posted, you can't do a 3way if you're not 1000% into it and want it and can separate emotions from sex.
BUT WAIT! YOU DO HAVE OPTIONS!
My partner and i have been togehter for 3 years. We were both in "open" relationships in the past and also in "closed" relationships in the past and so much of the discussions about 3ways and open vs. closed relatiosnhips are always BLACK AND WHITE - but they don't have to be. Let me explain.
My partner and i both understand that sex and temptation is EVERYWHERE. You can't just turn off your sexual fantasies, needs and past. So, what we decided to do is have a sexual relatioship where we are open to almost ANY FORM of sexual exploration SHORT of having another person sucking or fucking us. We have had guys come over our house and watch us make love. Some sit in the corner and just watch. Some take videos/pics for us, some get naked and get up close and watch every detail ..but they ALL respect our boundaries of "NO TOUCH." We've had sex at our gay beach, in adult bookstores, bathhouses, on webcam,etc...we've even had guys use toys on us, but they never use THEIR junk on us.......we do EVERYTHING we can imagain to keep our sex life hot, but we just draw the line at having another person actively participating in our sex.
So, the next time he brings up the idea of a 3way, you don't have to say NO, you can say, "you know what, i'm not sure how i feel about another man having sex with you or me right now, but how about we have a guy come over and watch us have sex - no touching, just watching." I'm betting he'll LOVE the fact that while you aren't willing to "share" your bed, but that you're open to something hot and fun, but that keeps the sanctity of your sexual relationship intact.
It works for us, and it's hot hot hot.
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In my observation guys tend to be (that is, not all, but many, and as in "the way to bet") much more able than women (again, general statement) to compartmentalize many things, including sex & love, so in general men find it much easier to have meaningless sex with those they love, hate, and shrug off. They generally seem also more in the mood despite being mad with their partners (heck, sometimes I think they want to have sex then just to establish dominance and/or work off aggression, but maybe that's another manifestation of compartmentalizing emotions and lust).
Not that I'm saying men are inclined to threesomes...though I think they're more inclined to cheat for purely sexual reasons (women seem at least as likely to cheat but they seem more inclined to do it because they feel emotionally neglected or because they're trying to stir up drama & jealousy and cheating is the means to that end rather than sex). And as for multiple partners I think men are more inclined to initiate these (though plenty of women can be talked into them, but I think many of them do so to please a guy and/or because she's really into the attention, which is again a heavy emotional aspect to it rather than pure sex) but 2 things that turn on a lot of men on in particular is pure visuals (so seeing a partner with another can be a turn on, and can also excite his own lust and desire to reclaim), it can give another partner to use more as a toy than a partner (I've met a few women who liked this idea, too), and it can also serve one of 2 fetishes: one is that of cuckolding and the other is "being with a slut" that a threesome or other group sex can help seem to happen. Finally, I suspect some men may compartmentalize love & sex so much that they need someone new to keep it exciting and thus happening (without cheating).
And then there are other reasons as well, for example simple curiosity is one, and also maybe because he fears you will cheat and this will help you to stay true (if it's in an agreed upon manner then it's not really cheating to many people) and may even be because he's been with someone who's into threesomes and wants to make you happy and/or prove himself to be the coolest boyfriend. And...DON'T assume this is true, this is idle speculation...maybe he's cheated and he'd feel better if he saw you with someone else, that it would somehow make his past indiscretion better (it wouldn't because he still betrayed your trust and is keeping secrets which wouldn't be the case for you if you agreed honestly to a threesome, but rationalization is a powerful force in some people, especially with a little help and some judge morality more by sexual acts rather than how one treats others).
Again, those are my observations and what I gleaned listening (and reading) from both men & women. If you're actually curious to learn more then I think this is a good look into how weird sexuality can be for both men & women and can vary greatly for many of us (and inspired some of what I said here):
http://www.utne.com/Mind-Body/21st-Centu...addam.aspx
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Just my opinion, but if he is already thinking of adding a third member to your sex life then he isnt ready for commitment... I could be wrong but a new relationship such as yours, the first couple of months together you are building trust in each other.... by adding this third member in... it could disrupt your relationship and send it to a burning end.... but then again this is my opinion....
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ThatRobGuy Wrote:This is my boyfriend's first gay relationship so we're pretty new to this "stuff" in general.
I think this is the crux of the dilemma.
He's new to this and he's inexperienced.
And like all hot blooded males his age he's been watching too much porn and thinks 3-somes are the business.
I think a laid back chat about your feelings towards this will help him understand why porn doesn't equal real life LoL.
Good Luck.
ObW
x
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BobInTampa Wrote:...
BUT WAIT! YOU DO HAVE OPTIONS!
My partner and i have been together for 3 years. We were both in "open" relationships in the past and also in "closed" relationships in the past and so much of the discussions about 3ways and open vs. closed relatiosnhips are always BLACK AND WHITE - but they don't have to be. Let me explain.
My partner and i both understand that sex and temptation is EVERYWHERE. You can't just turn off your sexual fantasies, needs and past. So, what we decided to do is have a sexual relatioship where we are open to almost ANY FORM of sexual exploration SHORT of having another person sucking or fucking us. We have had guys come over our house and watch us make love. Some sit in the corner and just watch. Some take videos/pics for us, some get naked and get up close and watch every detail ..but they ALL respect our boundaries of "NO TOUCH." We've had sex at our gay beach, in adult bookstores, bathhouses, on webcam,etc...we've even had guys use toys on us, but they never use THEIR junk on us.......we do EVERYTHING we can imagain to keep our sex life hot, but we just draw the line at having another person actively participating in our sex.
So, the next time he brings up the idea of a 3way, you don't have to say NO, you can say, "you know what, i'm not sure how i feel about another man having sex with you or me right now, but how about we have a guy come over and watch us have sex - no touching, just watching." I'm betting he'll LOVE the fact that while you aren't willing to "share" your bed, but that you're open to something hot and fun, but that keeps the sanctity of your sexual relationship intact.
It works for us, and it's hot hot hot.
Bob, I understand where you're coming from and it's an original way of looking at things.
Regarding all this, it's fine if you're a bit of an exhibitionist, but methinks our original poster likes his intimacy to be intimate, not shared (I may be wrong), so those options, as you say, aren't really what he's looking for, even if they are options that might be explored by some. I get the impression he'd be very uncomfortable also with having someone watching them. What's more, what I believe his boyfriend is after is the experience of two people getting involved sexually (again, I may be wrong); maybe he'd like to be fucked while having a cock in his mouth, something like that is not going to be obtained with just an on-looker.
It really all goes back to having that frank talk that everybody else has suggested. You won't really know why he's suggesting these until you've both disclosed what you'd like to do or have done to you in such a context.
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OlderButWiser Wrote:I think this is the crux of the dilemma.
He's new to this and he's inexperienced.
And like all hot blooded males his age he's been watching too much porn and thinks 3-somes are the business.
I think a laid back chat about your feelings towards this will help him understand why porn doesn't equal real life LoL.
Good Luck.
ObW
x
What's more, it's all very well on paper to be discussing the possibility of a threesome, but it's very theoretical, until there comes a time to choose that third person. Who are you going to choose? Will just anyone who's up for it do? Or will you both be screening? It doesn't sound like this has been carefully thought through and planned. Only planning or plain old banning will work out eventually to your best satisfaction.
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Thanks again for all of the additional responses!
To answer some of the questions/comments:
I'm 28 years old (a bit of a late bloomer, I suppose you'd say) and my boyfriend is 25.
This is my first sexual relationship period and my boyfriend's first gay one (he has been with a couple of girls and fooled around with a guy before really coming out, but just oral). If anything, it seems like I should be the experimental one, being less experienced myself; I just find more satisfaction in the emotional and romantic aspects of relationships than I do in the sexual aspects.
And no, I have no interest in bringing someone else into the relationship. This is just a one-on-one thing for me and I can't imagine ever being comfortable with a threesome. My boyfriend may just be open to having the threesome if the opportunity eventually presents itself but is not really going to actively pursue it, which may be a little more bearable for me.
And yes, 2+ months into the relationship seems early to bring up having a threesome, but as another poster said, and I agree, it's a good thing that he is open about his fantasies and desires and it's better that he discusses these things with me than just going out and having a threesome without me. I suppose it should make me feel better about the relationship that he is communicative about this.
I don't think his desire for a threesome has anything to do with any sexual shortcomings between us (he's always satisfied and very complimentary as far as that goes), so I'm really not sure what his big desire is to have one. I was thinking that possibly part of it might be that it's apparently a huge fantasy/turn on of his for a guy to have rough sex with him and throw him around and all of that, but that just isn't me and maybe he's wanting someone who can do that for him. I can try to do it to make him happy, although he isn't really "broken in" and can't ever go for long without much pain so I don't know how this fantasy of his is going to be fulfilled...
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"And no, I have no interest in bringing someone else into the relationship. This is just a one-on-one thing for me and I can't imagine ever being comfortable with a threesome."
He needs to know that.
And don't ever be forced into something you're not comfortable with.
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RockerBlocks Wrote:Two Months and questions like these are being brung up?
I mean if this were a normal one on one sexual activity it would be fine but to bring someone else in would just be selfish.(Especially as it has been eight weeks.) I think you need to stand your ground and tell him what you feel about it, If he loves you he will understand.
I wish you all the best, Rob.
I don't think you can truly love someone after two months :/
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