Telling my kids... has anyone else been here?

[Geminize]

I just shared with my former wife that I have started a relationship with a guy. (Our break up 2 years ago had nothing to do with my sexuality.) She is happy for me, and will respect my confidentiality since I am not out at this point. Her only request is that I tell our kids soon, before they hear it from another source. I live in a small community and word will get out.

I have a boy and a girl, both in high school. They live with me every other week, and I have not introduced them to my bf yet. I have a great relationship with both of them, and we can talk about anything. I'm still nervous about how they will react. They will be with their mother for Xmas and I may go on a trip with my bf, so I will need to tell them before then.

Once I tell them, then I'll need to tell my neighbors and close friends. I have started the wild ride of coming out! I don't think the world (or my world) will come to an end, but it's still pretty intense.

I'm curious if anyone else here has experience coming out with their own kids. Or, if you're a teenager, how would you feel about the dad you've known your whole life suddenly coming out?

[Chuck92]

Hey i'm in the same place as you... The day that i have to come out to my children is horrifying to me..
I guess if i were to find out my father was gay... I would love him the same way... as long as he didn't change the way he loved me!!!

[ThatRobGuy]

I think if they've been raised to be tolerant and accepting of other races, sexualities, religions, etc., then you have nothing to fear. Seattle is a pretty liberal place (from my understanding), so probably isn't a big deal.

I'm sure it will be at least a bit of a shock to them, but you're still their father at the end of the day and they will love you regardless.

Good luck either way!

[princealbertofb]

I wish my partner were still a member on this site... He has six children, all grown up now, but at the time we started our relationship, 10 years ago, his youngest ones were still sixteen (twins). The way I met them was strange, I wasn't really formally introduced, but I think Marshlander told them in the car on the way back and they seemed to be a bit unphased... His daughter even called me (and referred to me) as the French maid, as she'd seen me ironing his shirts in her grandfather's kitchen. lol... I feel that there is still some mild hurt there, realising that their father was gay, and taking in the new data of his life and their lives but by then he'd moved out of the house and the divorce ensued.

The oddest reaction came in fact from the elder daughter, herself an adult and professional dancer at the time, whom we met during our second year together. She and her boyfriend (now current partner and father of their child) met us as they stopped over from a cruise they were working on in Marseilles. I took them out to lunch in a nice restaurant. They were decent and polite but slightly put off, as it appeared by being put in a position to meet me so early after the breakup with their mother. I suspect that their Mormon upbringing did not help to ease the foot into the shoe, but we won't know till they actually tell us how it went down.

I think younger children are more likely to accept it readily. So it will take quite a lot of tact. Unlike a wife who will assume that you've been lying to her all these years (even if the love you felt for her WAS genuine) children can have a different attitude. What may hurt them is that they'll realise that they didn't really know their dad that well. But, I suppose, also, that you could break the news by explaining how things are in human relationships and how these relationships shift in their alliances, and how love is also a shifting thing. If they've had boyfriends and girlfriends of their own, that's something they'll be able to relate to.

I would insist on the fact that having a different, albeit same-sex, partner does not alter in one bit the love you have for them and how you want their happiness. If they are uncomfortable with your partnership, I hope you will be ready to hear them out on it. Possibly you will find a way for you all to talk about it and discuss it, were it to become public.

Your wife is right, that it would be better for YOU to tell them rather than they hear it through the grapevine. Can your wife be part of the discussion when this happens?

Because your life is your life, and you'll be 'losing' your children to their own adult lives soon, I think you have to insist on your new partner being part of it and that they won't be able to avoid him. You're not going to hide him in the closet every time they come over. They'll get used to it. Hopefully they will find him delightful and see how good he is for your mental stability and health.

If you've been through bouts of depression about not being in the right sort of relationship, even if you loved your wife, maybe they need to understand how unhappy and unfulfilled you were then. Insist too, that finding their own happiness is also their own 'duty' and privilege and that you'll back them up on their life choices (if they are well thought out, hopefully). I'd say you'll have to accept any harsh feelings or words that they say, until they can get a better grasp of what being 'fulfilled' means. In the end I hope they will find acceptance for their cool (and nutty) dad, because that's what you are. Right?

[Blue]

With my daughter, it was a bit different, I raised her, with the help of a cousin who kept her during the school year. With me being a truck driver and, my partner being my co driver most of the time, when she went with me in the summers, she knew without being told. We got motel rooms and with adjoining rooms, needless to say she walked in on my partner and me a couple of times. LOL

If I had been in a situation where I had to tell her, I'd have done so when she was 12-16 sometime, depending on the situation. I think that age is old enough for them to understand that two people of the same gender can love each other like a mom and dad would and, they really don't need the how to from Dad until they decide on their orientation and, are stepping into the dating world for themselves.

[Geminize]

Thanks for the thoughtful responses! I will probably tell each of my kids 1-on-1 so they can have their own reactions without the other there.

Can your wife be part of the discussion when this happens?

I will not include my ex in this conversation. This is my own business and what happens next is between me and my children. I'm sure she will check in with them afterwards and have her own conversation about it (which I welcome).

My main concern is that my kids are at an age when they are just starting their own sexual awareness. In reality, what better time could there be? If they were younger, it would be harder to understand. If they were older, they may have a more difficult time assimilating the news with their own beliefs and experience. I am very curious to see how they will adjust to being around my boyfriend. I suspect they will like him, and it may be awkward at first.

[Rainbowmum]

I really wish I had some experience to offer here, but I don't.

You know your children better than most ,you are making sure that they hear it from you.
As long you approach the subject with honesty they should respect that.

Good luck with it all.
Here for you.

[Pix]

I think kids can understand it easier than many give them credit for. Acceptance is another matter, but I don't think they're inclined to be hostile to the idea unless they were taught to be hostile (this might include their peer group, especially once a tween and older).

MAD Magazine once did the pros & cons of having gay parents and it wasn't a big deal among any teens I knew who read it (me being a teen myself, though an adult by then), and no angry letters to the editor after (it's possible they refused to publish any, but they actually publish a lot of angry letters, especially those threatening to cancel their subscription, and make fun of them). That was, IIRC, 2000-01.

When JK Rowling released that Dumbledore was gay the ONLY people I heard complaining about it were adults (I'm sure there were kids who didn't like it as well but not enough to be noticed).

When Miley Cyrus (who played Hannah Montana at the time) said her take on Christianity was God loved everyone and she was against Prop 8 in CA several fundie groups called for a boycott against Hannah Montana but had to give it up because the one the kids were angry at were parents & preachers for being intolerant jerks, not Hannah (and it's not blind worship because many of them DID criticize her for being "too slutty" in her dress, poses, dance moves, etc, at times). In this case some tweens & teens did post to the Miley websites that "as a Christian" they couldn't support Miley but they were all dogpiled by the other fans, including many who claimed to be Christians themselves (now if only the ADULT Christians could be that way...). Also, a great many Hannah fans made "Liley" vids & fics (lesbian slash between 2 girl characters, the best friends Miley & Lilly), and as far as I could tell (and many made personal YT vids featuring themselves so I could tell in a lot of cases) they were mostly teenagers doing this, even if some of them swore up and down they were personally straight.

When I was about 10 I saw The Simpsons where Smithers was shown to have a gay crush on Burns and also how Jay was thought to be gay in The Critic (with a woman singing to him in one ep, "Jay, I'm glad you're not gay, maybe I'll show you why someday") and I understood it in a vague way but able to follow it and not be bothered by it. I can't imagine I'd care if I found out my 'rents were...in fact, in retrospect I envy such happy gay families (with children) such as featured here:

http://www.youtube.com/user/depfox

And when my judgment was impaired and showed my kids (actually my partner's, but I think of them as mine now) BtVS The Wish & Dopplegangland the topic of Vampire Willow being gay came up and the kids (then 7 and 12) showed no problem or distress at following the story...but then I think they understood me and their mom were a couple and they've both been very supportive. The daughter herself has been especially supportive from the beginning, even equates homophobes with Death Eaters from Harry Potter (at least if they want to break up our home).

And while I think there are many reasons for why I found acceptance, one ray of hope is that Miley Cyrus, Lady Gaga & Josh Hutcherson has openly supported gay marriage (Josh & Gaga remain popular among teens), plus with Buffy (that she loved when I let her watch my dvds) and JK Rowling saying Dumbledore is gay no doubt helped her see it in a positive light. (However, Demi Lovato, also popular among many teens, did a song "La La Land" which sneered at LA types, including a lesbian couple with a baby, though I don't think the vid became that popular, and it was easy to overlook.)

So all in all I think it's certain they'll at least understand, and hopeful that they'll be accepting.

[ManicReptile21]

I think if i found out my father was gay and my mother went into a depressive state and he ran off with his BF--- I'd probably hate him. But if my own mother were to say its fine. then there really is no issue. unless your own children are homophobic or someshit like that.

[megumidesu]

when my dad came out , it wasn't the fact that he was gay that made various people in my family hate him . it was because he left my mom to raise five kids (nearly six - she was pregnant at the time) by herself and didn't ever bother to stay in contact with any of them ~

i think that your kids will be okay . if they're not , then i reckon it'll just be shock and all you'll need to do is give them time ~