I am confused again

[Corsac]

Not understanding seems to be the common theme in this thread...

Of course, I can't fully understand since I don't have the same stance on bisexuality as the ones who place the stigma on it.

[Counselor]

Exactly, Counselor! Being bi doesn't mean I am more susceptible to whims or desires. It simply means that gender alone does not limit to whom I feel attracted.

So it isn't intended to be used as a catch-all title for "potentially available", then.

[Counselor]

Of course, I can't fully understand since I don't have the same stance on bisexuality as the ones who place the stigma on it.

One could hardly call "clarifying misconceptions" the same thing as "placing stigma".

[princealbertofb]

So it isn't intended to be used as a catch-all title for "potentially available", then.

Well the 'potentially available' label probably only applies if it's true (and someone isn't in a relationship)... no?

[Counselor]

Well the 'potentially available' label probably only applies if it's true (and someone isn't in a relationship)... no?

I think Aeneas has it backwards: if you are honest with the person you are with, it's likely to go over better than being in a relationship and telling everyone you AREN'T with that you are bi...or allowing all your friends to tell acquaintances.

[MikeMG]

You guys are missing the point. It's not about sitting on the fence. The reason being bisexual is sort of looked down upon is you want it both ways (no pun intended). By that I mean all the bisexual guys I have met, conveniently forget to mention they are bisexual when with a straight crowd, but always point it out when they are in a gay crowd.

More often than not, they are straight when they are in situations where they are uncomfortable. Well, gay men don't have that option. So by not identifying as gay they don’t feel compelled to be part of the gay movement anymore then a straight person would. They don’t have to risk rejection from normal society if they can be straight when convent. I have never seen a bi guy at a traditional wedding get up and dance with another guy unless they are already dating. But I guarantee you that same guy has no problem dancing with women he has never met and let everyone assume he is straight.

Iv been to office parties where people notice I am not wearing a wedding ring and ask if I have a girlfriend. At that point I tell them the truth that I am gay and have a boyfriend. It’s awkward when people you don’t know ask personal question that might affect your job. But a Bi guy who is dating a woman in that situation will usually not point out he is bisexual. Instead he will give her name and let the person asking the question assume he is straight. He gets to slide under the radar about his sexuality when gay men don’t, unless they lie.

It’s this kind of playing both sides of the field when convenient that gay men don’t like. Since you don’t identify as gay, you don’t feel compelled to be part of the gay culture. You love the benefits of being with gay men and all the acceptance we have fought for, but when push comes to shove, always turn around and say “oh I’m really not part of that because I am not gay. “

[Pix]

Fundies tried to get my bisexual partner evicted and fired (and her lawyer, a former male lover years prior, likely kept us from being put out on the streets) and her daughter given religious tracts to give to her against homosexuality for being with me so I think she's a fellow traveler. And she finds the idea that society can force her to conform to their outdated superstitions (that is, she MUST choose to be with a man) to be incredibly offensive to her.

Plenty of straights stand with us, too, simply because they want to do what's right, and sometimes because they love someone gay (that is as a friend, relative, etc).

And sometimes straights get mistaken for one of us and pay a price for it, too. Like a straight woman told me how she took to dancing with her female friend because all the guys were lame and they had to flee for their lives, her ending up having to pull her gun out to save them both from being beaten, raped, and/or killed by angry rednecks. Boys who violate the "boy code" are often persecuted as homosexuals and may thought to be one.

[Miles]

I don't want it both ways. It just kind of happened that way.

I wouldn't be any more compelled to be part of the "gay culture" if I were gay than I am now. Call me a prude, but I wouldn't dance with someone I haven't met, male OR female. I spend most of my time in a straight crowd, and I have never hid my sexuality if someone straight up asked, or if it was relevant to the conversation and wouldn't come back to bite me in the ass. The way I see it, if someone asks a gay man about "his girlfriend," it's relevant and probably a good idea to tell them you're gay to correct them on their mistaken assumption, but I wouldn't see a problem with just saying, "No I don't have a girlfriend," and if they keep pressing as to why, then saying you're gay if it wouldn't cause problems. If someone asks a bi man about his girlfriend, and he actually HAS one, then there's no need to say "yes I have a girlfriend BUT I COULD ALSO DATE A GUY TOO YA KNOW DUR HUR," because it's irrelevant to the question. If someone asks a bi man about his girlfriend, but he has a boyfriend, it IS relevant to say, "No, I have a boyfriend," in which case the asker will probably ask "oh you're gay?" and then you can say "I'm bi."

I get the point about being able to "blend in" more easily without having to outright lie, but another part of why I don't tell people is because in my experience a lot of folks both straight and gay either don't take bisexuality seriously (as in, "oh it's just a phase" or "they're just doing that cuz it's convenient") or look on bi people with suspicion or even contempt, or saying bi's are greedy or slutty or overly horny creeps. Sometimes I wish I was only attracted to one gender because it gets complicated having to navigate that mess.

[hank]

Actually, what it comes down to is GAY men don't want to be in the same situation as heterosexual women who married closeted gay men, they build a life, have children, and then BANG, one day hubby says, "i'm sorry honey, but i've been lieing to you and myself for years, i'm gay" and their relationship ends.

As i've said over and over, being bisexual, in my opinion (and experience because i called myself "bi" for years while i was married and figuring out my true self) is MORE about being comfortable having sex with men and women, but MUCH LESS about being ready to make a COMMITTMENT to a spouse of one sex or the other.

And, to be honest Hank, you're right, when you tell a gay man you're "bi" you ARE losing before getting out of the gate - because most gay men LOOKING for a relationship, don't want to give their hearts to a man who, at any time they are together, could say, "Actually, i think i want to be in a traditional male/female relationship."

It's good you're honest with guys, but perhaps it's time you really look deep in your own heart, and come to closure on the gender of the person you feel ready to make a committed relationship with.

I understand what you are trying to say, but telling me to puck a gender and commit is equal to people telling you to date women. The sexuality isn't confusion, it is what it is. To fear a bi guy you are dating to run off with a woman is an odd one, is it better if a gay guy runs off with another guy? It seems like you would be insulted more if the person they left you for was a woman. My question is does it hurt any less?

I used to think I was gay, women started becoming appealing to me, more than just thenotion that they are pretty. It deeply confused me, how could a gay guy like women, how could a straight guy like men nether straight or gay work for me, so what should I call myself? I thought bisexual fit really well but it seems to be a scarlet letter in the dating pool. But is it really better to lie to myself and convince myself that I am something I am not? And later maybe years tell my lover or spouse I have been lying all along? Either way it is a lie, being honest up front is the only way to avoid that.

Any more self reflection would seem to give me the answer I have already concluded, the only issue I see is that it really bothers monosexuals. Others and their insecurities should not force me to have to lie about who I am. I guess gay men and straight women that have issues with it are not worth dating.

[hank]

I'm sure I wouldn't care if I came to know an individual, but why does the term "bisexual" have this stigma among gays, then?

I really think some gay men before they discover that they are gay they say, or even think they are bi. I completely understand this. But I knew I was gay in middle and high school even in college, I wasn't out, I wasn't ready.but the point at which I gave in I discovered I was in fact attracted to women.

Bi is not at all a striping stone from gay to straight