12-14-2012, 07:12 AM
This is really soon to confess, but this is what happens when I sit and think. Why not relay my dark secret.
It's easier if I just say it:
I'm utterly, hopelessly, heart stopping, crazily in love with my homosexual best friend.
It wouldn't be so bad... if he wasn't into men and me being a woman. Maybe even it would be okay if he wasn't so obviously aware that I am. He knows me better than anyone on this planet, honestly. And he tells me (sometimes in the dead of the night) that it breaks his heart that he hurt me, and that he wishes things could be different.
So, get over him? Jesus. Teach me how. Someone once said, the only way I would get over him would be to walk away. So I did. I haven't spoken to him in two months. I know it's breaking his heart, he told me every day how much he cared about me, and I know it hurts me like hell. God. Why can't I move on?
There's a couple people who know. They say things like, "Well, he's homosexual, what did you expect would happen?" Or, "you're probably just in love with how he listens and not him."
That second one is false. I love his humor, his dreams, the way he talks, the way he makes me feel...
Oh, I'm pregnant. I have a child. Obviously, it's not his. I JUST started into a monogamous relationship with a male. I truly do care about him, as harsh as that sounds. I accidentally got pregnant with his kid and we decided to try to make it work. And he's amazing! And he deserves so much better than me to still think of my best friend.
I just... I don't know how to get this right anymore. Does respecting my current boyfriend mean I have to walk away from my best friend? Or, is it possible to live with unrequited love AND love for another man (I guess this only is an option because nothing could/would ever possibly happen)? Or, is my emotional cheating bad enough?
Mostly, am I truly as horrible as I feel I am?
It's easier if I just say it:
I'm utterly, hopelessly, heart stopping, crazily in love with my homosexual best friend.
It wouldn't be so bad... if he wasn't into men and me being a woman. Maybe even it would be okay if he wasn't so obviously aware that I am. He knows me better than anyone on this planet, honestly. And he tells me (sometimes in the dead of the night) that it breaks his heart that he hurt me, and that he wishes things could be different.
So, get over him? Jesus. Teach me how. Someone once said, the only way I would get over him would be to walk away. So I did. I haven't spoken to him in two months. I know it's breaking his heart, he told me every day how much he cared about me, and I know it hurts me like hell. God. Why can't I move on?
There's a couple people who know. They say things like, "Well, he's homosexual, what did you expect would happen?" Or, "you're probably just in love with how he listens and not him."
That second one is false. I love his humor, his dreams, the way he talks, the way he makes me feel...
Oh, I'm pregnant. I have a child. Obviously, it's not his. I JUST started into a monogamous relationship with a male. I truly do care about him, as harsh as that sounds. I accidentally got pregnant with his kid and we decided to try to make it work. And he's amazing! And he deserves so much better than me to still think of my best friend.
I just... I don't know how to get this right anymore. Does respecting my current boyfriend mean I have to walk away from my best friend? Or, is it possible to live with unrequited love AND love for another man (I guess this only is an option because nothing could/would ever possibly happen)? Or, is my emotional cheating bad enough?
Mostly, am I truly as horrible as I feel I am?