Straight friend with a crush on you

[Crouton]

I know crush is a sort of childish word but I didn't know how else to say it.

Basically my best friend is a guy who I have known for something like 4 or 5 years now. After a year or so of him meeting, he admitted that he liked me and asked me out. At this stage I was only out to a couple of people and he didn't know, so I came clean and told him I was gay. He said he was dissapointed but proud of me and still wanted to be friends.

That was about 3 years ago, and since then we have become best friends. I'm still not out to TOO many people, and the fact that him and I spend so much time together means heaps of people who don't know me well think we are together. Which I don't really care about because we know we aren't and are just really good friends.

Anyway, a bunch of crap happened on New Years Eve (it's too long and complicated to go into) but I ended up fairly pissed at him and another friend and we ended up having a talk. He basically spilled out all this stuff that I have no idea how to deal with. He said that he still likes me so much, that it's hard to him to try and date other girls because he compares all of them to me, that sometimes us being close is hard for him and that even though he is supportive, he would be very jealous of any girl I dated. He actually said in the exact words that "we have an unhealthy relationship".

What is someone supposed to do with all of that!? I almost feel guilty. Like our friendship is hurting him which sucks. But at the same time I need him. He's so important to me and I don't have many close friends, especially ones I trust as much as him.

[EternalYouAndI]

Maybe some space and time between you could help. Dont let your need of him control things. Set him free and he will always be there. At the same time he may find it hard and painful but in the long run it will help. If you have a truly strong friendship it will last. You will hopefully be able to relate to each other more heathily if you take this time and space and he will be able to move on.

[pellaz]

interesting post, I just feel its out of my experience but interested what people could contribute

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[Counselor]

He sounds very discerning as a friend that wishes he could be with you and doesn't have the same hold over you. His references to jealousy and the use of "unhealthy" concern me, I agree that space might be a good idea, he sounds like he might be obsessive.

[Crouton]

We do have space. Well ever since I moved to a different city. But space altogether is hard for us. We are used to doing everything together. Even on New Years Eve we both had different plans so I thought maybe we could just do different things. But he cancelled his plan so we could be together. I don't really think that he has a "hold over me" so to speak. Whatever is happening between us is equal on both sides.

[Counselor]

We do have space. Well ever since I moved to a different city. But space altogether is hard for us. We are used to doing everything together. Even on New Years Eve we both had different plans so I thought maybe we could just do different things. But he cancelled his plan so we could be together. I don't really think that he has a "hold over me" so to speak. Whatever is happening between us is equal on both sides.

So you would be jealous if he started a relationship?

[Crouton]

I hate to say it. But deep down I probably would be. I'm very insecure about my friendships. And I'm always scared of my friends finding people they like more than me and wanting to stop spending time with me. I know I have no right to be jealous, since I don't see him romantically at all. It's stupid. I think I would get over it though if he found a nice enough girl. At least I would stop feeling guilty about him being obsessed with me when our relationship could never go there.

[Rainbowmum]

I am sorry he put this guilt trip on you.
The problem is with him , not you , it seems to me that he thinks your sexuality is just a phase with you , I really truly hope I am wrong but that is what is coming across.

Perhaps some distance is what is needed here, I know this is going to be hard on you especially since he is your best friend, but some time apart might lead to clearer thinking.

We are all here for you.

[Crouton]

Thanks for the input. Well, if it does turn out distance is what we need we will get plenty of that this year. Right now we live in 2 different cities, but they are only an hour apart and since it's Summer we are spending heaps of time together. But once Uni starts again I will be too busy with school work to really do much. Even when we are apart we usually talk everyday by phone or the internet, but we will definitely not see each other as much when I start up studying again. And as for him thinking it's a phase. I never thought of that. I'd be very surprised, and dissapointed if that ended up being the case.

[Counselor]

One thing you didn't touch on, Mum: since his personality seems obsessive-prone (due to an extended period that he didn't account four your sexuality being a problem in a relationship), he might be HOPING it's just a phase, in which case it may be wise to repeat to him the issue you have with a romantic pursuit, emphasizing this is not a phase. THIS MAY BE IMPORTANT, especially if you feel you are not being respected, or if you feel uncomfortable.