I’m a 22 year old closeted gay male in love with my best friend who is straight

[helloimcharlie]

My name is Charlie. I’m a 22 year old closeted gay male in love with my best friend who is straight and in a relationship.

I am sure my situation isn't as uncommon as I would like to believe, but I personally don’t know anyone I could talk to to express my grief. I met my best friend, Danny, back in the 9th grade, where we would hang out on a daily basis. We would go to the park after school, just shoot some hoops and have dinner in a local joint around the neighborhood. It became routine after a couple months. To meet up after a rough day of high school life, and talk about everything we did that day. I would ignore all my other friends just to be with him. Just to be around him. I wanted to spend every waking moment with Danny, as we enjoyed each other’s company. I was still unsure of his sexuality for the first couple months, so I didn’t want to do anything “weird” to jeopardize our new found friendship. I was also very unsure of my own sexuality back then. Ever since I could remember, I was always attracted to the other boys in my class; maybe as far back as 5th grade. But I would never act differently around them. I would keep my feelings bottled up, afraid of crossing the boundaries of social norms. After a year of knowing Danny, most of my fears and anxieties of the past about these norms seem to have melted away. We would sleep over each other’s houses and just spend hours doing absolutely nothing. Never have I had a friend where I didn’t have to put on any “social masks” to make up for what I felt I lacked. Danny knew me for my true self. There were no fronts, no lies, except of course for that one major detail I kept hidden from him.

There was a time where I asked myself if I felt I was only friends with Danny because I was attracted to him. But that wasn’t the case. He really was a true friend. He would stick up for me when I had arguments with other peers and would always calm me down before big exams by making me laugh. When we finally got our own cellphones, as cellphones were still pretty rare back in my high school years, we would just spend all our minutes and texts on each other. We forced our parents to get unlimited text and minutes just to be able to still text as freely as we desired. I wouldn’t go a day without texting Danny or a day without him texting me. A way for us to stay connected even when we were apart.

As the end of our high school years started to draw year, Danny and I were in the process of applying for colleges. We ended up getting accepted to different college, but we both knew we would stay close friends. For a while, I was devastated. I wanted to share a college experience with my best friend, but the crossroads of my life lead me to a different path. I pursued a different major in a local university, whereas Danny went out of state to pursue his lifelong dream of one day becoming a coach for a professional team. I was happy for him, and I wanted him to be happy as well. But there was a big part of me that yearned to be with him. I was going to go months without seeing him. The summer before college, we spent every waking day talking about how awesome college was going to be. Danny and I were still virgins and we spent the summer talking about how we were definitely going to get laid in college. Because everyone gets laid in college. Our conversations of sex with girls were so painful to me. The thought of Danny having sex with a girl infuriated me. I felt like I was being cheated. My irrational thoughts were fed by my growing lust for Danny. But what was I going to say to him, and how would I even approach such a topic. Silence was my resulting choice. I just couldn’t drop such a bombshell on my best friend before we both go off to college.
So many questions would set off in my head: What if he never talks to me again? - It would KILL ME. What if he was ashamed of me? – again, I would die. What if he told everybody about me? – he wouldn’t, he’s my best friend. What if… What if he wasn’t in my life anymore? – I couldn’t even imagine it. My silence continued throughout college.

In our freshman year of college, we spent a lot of time talking to each other online. Just small little updates on the college everyday life. I was happy Danny would update me on every little thing he did. I would frequently ask him questions if he lost his virginity yet and then quickly change topic to not make my irrational obsession with his virginity obvious. The semester passed, and we spent the holidays together. I missed him so much. It was a cold fall/winter, and the lack of sun made me even more depressed about not being with my best friend for what was the longest we haven’t hung out for. Nothing changed after the first semester. He was still regular old Danny, as I was afraid that college was going to somehow change my best friend. But it didn’t. I noticed that Danny wasn’t very enthusiastic about his first semester. I myself met a couple new friends and dove into some college parties. But Danny had trouble making friends his first semester. So I suggested he join a club or something to make new friends. As the winter break ended, Danny flew back to college and it was another couple months without my best friend. Early spring I get a text from Danny that he was going to pledge for a fraternity. I didn’t know how to react to this text message. I was happy for him that he was finally enjoying college, but there was a big part of me that was jealous. Over the semester he kept texting me about his new found frat brothers and I gave him texts of approval. I was crushed. I wanted to be frat brothers with Danny. I wanted to be there for his experiences, but I wasn’t. The term “brother” that he used for his other fraternity members annoyed me more than it should have. Questions flared again.
Did he replace me with his frat brothers? – no, I was the one that told him to join a club or something.. Is his frat more important than me now? – no, he just met them.. Is this going to change Danny? – I hope not…

Spring break came, and I met up with Danny like we usually do. It was so refreshing to see him again after a couple months. When we were in the car, he looked at me with a weird look, and I was a little confused. Danny told me that he had sex with some girl during his frat imitation. Immediately my head just felt a huge stabbing and my heart grew heavy. On the outside, I expressed joy and glee for my best friend. “Congratulations” I remember saying with a grin. We went out to eat that night and the rest of the break just flew by as I kept thinking about Danny sleeping with this random girl. I hated her. I didn’t even know how she looked like or who she was, but I hated her. He took my best friend’s virginity. I should be happy for Danny, but why did I feel so crappy. Why did I feel like someone shot me straight in the chest? I already knew. I was in love with Danny.

I took up smoking cigarettes during that second semester of college. I was also going to more parties that I usually went to compared to my first sem. In my head I thought, Danny was having fun, why shouldn’t I. I wasn’t having fun at all. I kept thinking of Danny. How much I missed him and how long it’s been since we last saw each other. Our texts weren’t as frequent anymore. Not because he stopped texting me, but I just didn’t want to reply. I was in a spiral of depression. I just wanted to do something crazy. After a long Friday of classes, my classmates invited me to a party downtown. I was drunk by the first hour. That night, I consumed what I felt like the most alcohol I have ever drank in my lifetime. The corner of my eye caught my phone blinking blue rapidly; the signal for new messages. I thought to myself that it was probably Danny. But I was drunk. Fuck Danny. He was probably in a frat party having fun without me. I was in a party too so fuck that. There were so many drunk girls around me, but I wasn’t at all attracted to even one. As the party progressed, I got even more intoxicated. Random girls started to approach me and asked me if I wanted to dance. I surrendered and agreed to dance with this tiny petite Asian girl. We danced for about 3 songs. I enjoyed her company and progressively started to feel a sort of attraction from her. It was different. We snuck off to an empty room and she undressed me real quick. She commenced to give me a blow job; I didn’t feel anything. I looked at her as she was pleasuring me, but things didn’t feel right. She took out a condom from her purse and placed it on my member and then laid in the bed waiting for me to follow. Unenthusiastically, I followed. That night, I had sex for the first time with a girl. I was unsure if I enjoyed it. It was definitely pleasuring and felt good, but I didn’t care about it too much. I thought to myself about how almost all guys anticipate the time they will lost their virginity. How exciting it would be their first time. My first time; drunk and confused. I called Danny up the next day and told him about my night. He was ecstatic. I was in pain and hung-over.
Questions flared again in my head.
Did I just have sex because I was jealous of Danny? – probably… Did I enjoy it? – well… kinda.. Was I confused because I thought my first time would be with…Danny? – the dream is gone…

For time’s sake, I’ll forward on to our current situation. Danny has been with his new girlfriend for about a year and half now. They met in their senior year of college. I love his new girlfriend and enjoy her company. But hearing about her for the first time was not pretty. I was jealous of course, but I’ve matured since freshman year of college. I try and tell myself every now and then that Danny and I could never be an item because he is not gay. But there’s always a part of me that thinks that someday we might be a couple. Irrational as they may be, those thoughts of what may be get me to sleep at night. What I’ve failed to mention in the earlier paragraphs were that Danny and I’s friends always make fun of us for being gay. We tend to be touchy when we hang out, as in hugs and stuff that two guys don’t normally do out in public. Danny doesn’t mind these comments from our friends. But I sometimes enjoy their comments, because it feeds my hope for what may never be. And hope alone prevents me from spiraling into deep depression. I love my best friend so much, but I don’t want to hurt him. What should I do…? Im still broken and empty. For so long I wanted to just tell him that I love him. I really do . 8 years of torment but 8 years of amazing joy because of him. It was very hard for me to write this.

-Charlie

[ManicReptile21]

OMG. This is a flat out carbon copy of what happened to me!!!! We're even the same age! the only thing is i did it with a 26 year old man- it was for the same reason though! The way i prevailed was, when i couldnt emotionally take the assualts on my mind anymore i came out to him! You need to come out to him- if you're ever going to reach a counterpoint you have to face your fears or you'll be lost forever. i came out to him, he declared his straightness and then he outted me to all of my friends. but here i am still standing. the betrayal took its toll but now im stronger because of it. my love has since then turned to a burning hatred for him and i will probably never forgive him. but if your not out remember that the moment you decide to come out to him may be the biggest turning point in your life- esp. if he outs you. if he's a REAL friend though he can keep your secret and maybe the two of you can work past it aka, you'll have to change. you need to stop loving him, its a painful masochistic act. there is no way to make a straight man love you back. don't waste your time! you stilll have time to find a good man who will treat you like you want to be treated! Dont let this put you down! I

[amelialouise]

Hi Charlie

I don't really have anything to say to this that I think will make you feel any better, but I just thought that you should at least know that someone had read it and understood what you're going through. I think that anyone pretty much everyone who's gay has had that experience of being in love with someone they can't have. It's horrible, and I don't think there's anything that can help it, except time and gradual acceptance.

The best way for you to understand his side of the situation is to maybe reverse things - imagine you had a really good female friend who you absolutely adored in a platonic sense, but not romantically. If she had feelings for you like the feelings you have for Danny, what would you want her to do? How would you feel? That's the place where Danny would find himself if you were ever to confess your feelings to him.

He sounds like a wonderful guy and I'm sure he would hate to know that you are hurting like this. But I think deep down, you know that his hugs and caring are just a very affectionate friendship. There is always the option of telling him anyway, just to get your feelings out there and know once and for all where you stand - if he is as good of a friend as he sounds, I'm sure he would still want to continue the friendship if nothing more.

Only you know what will help you long term. Sorry that I don't have anything more useful to add, but I genuinely hope you find peace and love soon - your situation is a horrible one to be in and one I remember all too well.

- Amelia Louise

[AquarianDragon]

Welcome Charlie I hope things get better for you soon.

[outthecloset]

Hello Charlie, I have never fallen for my best friend but I am 22 and also in the closet. I have a lot of straight friends that I too am afraid of losing. I think the best thing in your case to do is tell him that you are gay and go from there. Don't tell him "I'm gay and i'm in love with you" because that will just make things worse. But tell him about yourself and hey who knows, he might be in the closet too. Goodluck!

[Mushroom]

Gee, that's quite a story Charlie . Thanks for sharing it, I enjoyed a lot reading it because it sounds like you got a very special bond with Danny. I can imagine the suffering and mental torture you've had to endure all this time in order to keep his friendship. However, this is how I see things:

Danny must be a really cool guy and he seems to be living a happy heterosexual life. I´m pretty sure he loves you as a friend, but as a partner is a total mistery. There's a little chance that he secretly loves you and that he had been hidding his feelings all this years the same as you, whether it was because of the same fears that prevented you from revealing your secret or another reason. Who knows?. But bear in mind that when it comes to sexuality living in a predominant Heterosexual society, a lot of people have to use fronts to coexist peacefully.

Perhaps he has shared and done things with you that most of the other guys don't do, like texting, hanging around everyday, etcétera. However, there are guys that are like that, more warm, nicer and supportive than the average men and that don't let stupid prejudices to inhibit their behaviour and spontaneity. Be aware that what seems as a love sign could be in fact a friendship sign. Your perception could be distorted.

On the other hand, he's now engaged in a relationship with another person. A part of loving someone is to wish him/her to be happy with me or without me. If he's having a great time now with another person, why would you interrupt them?. If you're determined to open your heart anyway it would be fair to wait until he is free. Think for a moment if you were now his boyfriend and both of you were enjoying a nice time; what would you feel if other guy would come and confess him his love in the hopes that he would break up with you and start something special with him?.

Life sometimes leads us to situations where we have to take decisions in order to move forward. In this case you have to decide between 3 options:

1) Be honest and tell Danny that you love him now.

A good proverb says "La verdad duele, pero la duda mata" (Truth hurts, but doubt kills). Another says "No dejes para mañana lo que puedes hacer hoy" (Don't let for tomorrow what can be done today). You can't know what happens in other persons mind until you ask them. You know that Danny's front is Heterosexual, but you have this tiny little hope that he could love you as a partner in the depths of his heart. Ask him so you can know what's his position about this. Whatever the result you get, you'll know what to expect in the near future: A potential romance (Danny), two exfriends (danny and his girlfriend), a confused friend (Danny), a now flattered and supportive friend (danny), a now more distant friend (Danny). If risk is your thing, go for it!. You can win or loose all or part however.

2) Keep your feelings towards him momentarily to yourself, keep waiting until a more proper time comes when you can express him what's inside your heart.

I'm refering to a moment when he could be free to think over about his own feelings. Of course, not when he had recently broken up with his girlfriend, cause he would be dealing with his feelings towards her. Probably when he had been alone for a decent time (5 or 6 months maybe). The problem here is the uncertainty of when will this moment will come. Are you willing to extend your torment more time?. You'll have to be prepared to deal with the posible fates mentioned in number 1). Even if he could share the same feelings for you, he would need a time to assimilate them. If patience and risk are your things, this is your option. Again, you can win or loose all or part, and even more because of the time and uncertainty factors.

3) Give up to his love, mourn your loss, lick your wounds, keep his friendship, meet new people and find someone that can love you back.

May I suggest to focus your eyes to someone gay/bisexual that is sure and happy about his/her sexual orientation?. You don't need to live another mental hell for another heterosexual dude.

I think this would be the healthier option. You can still be his special friend and keep being part of his life, you can finish this torment for good and meet someone that is more safe to reach. After all, you've spent 8 whole years loving him. You waited for a more clear sign that he feels the same about you and it didn't come at all. Don't think about this as a waste of time, keep it as a good memory of yourself living life, experimenting love and the ecstatic sensations you felt whenever he shared a part of himself with you.

I personally think that it's enough for you to keep walking with this heavy load. You're 22, fresh and young, with a life full of experiences and new people to meet. Also, you deserve to experience love and the happiness of a partner. Think about this for a moment and pick the option that better suits you and make you feel better.

You´ll do it fine and get over very soon!. Cheers!!:tongue:

[MisterTinkles]

This is an extremely common story from gay men that I have heard and read about over the years.

Most gay guys have a very difficult time growing up, adjusting to themselves as well as their surroundings...which includes friends, coworkers, school mates, and family.

Actually, this is a common story from both "straight" and "gay" kids growing up. The only difference is that you are so brainwashed into believing that being who you are is such a bad, evil, or horrbile thing, that the whole concept is blown way out of porportion.

If it werent for the fact that we have all allowed ourselves to beleive the brainwashing bullshit at some point in our lives, we would be totally fine with being who we are with the person we are with. And Im sure if it werent for that little bit of brainwashing being stuck in your head, you would have said something to your friend, many years ago.

When most of us are young, we all feel like we are the only ones with the thoughts and feelings we have.
We torment ourselves that nobody understands us, nobody accepts us, and we can never be happy or find love, friends, or somebody to just hang with.

Regardless of sexual preference, this is just a common trait in growing up.

If someone comes along that happens to be nice to us, whether we have known them most of our lives or just met them, we usually take it as a invitation that they "like" like us, which most of the time is not correct. We just attach ourselves to the first person who shows us kindness and/or understanding. This turns into a "crush", then it turns into "puppy love", and in some cases turns to jealously and self abuse, because we are afraid of ourselves.....we have depended on the feelings and emotions of someone who's pretty much been a crutch in our lives. When that crutch is taken away, we fall.

We fall into self doubt, self hate, self loathing, jealousy, hate, and envy of what the other person has accomplished or that they have moved on with thier lives...with us or without us.

Gay men attach more emotion to this than straight guys do, simply for the fact that we are attracted to "nice", since there has been no other outside influences.

In your case, your friend has moved on with his life, and was doing so in college. Hence the jealousy.
You refused to accept the fact that this friend could ever be happy without you being next to him.
So, you drank, pitied yourself, made yourself depressed, and could have caused a severe rift in your relationship with this man. I think thats why you allowed yourself, drunk or not, to have sex with a girl.
To be accepted more by your friend....to have a new reason to be reattached to him.

You've allowed your "puppy love" to take over your life, instead of working at growing your emotions into adulthood. Your body has grown up, but you've stagnated your emotional state.

You've got to let your friend go. Let him live his life. Stay friends, yes. Stay close, if you both choose. Stay in contact, absolutely. But dont end your life because he has gone on with his.

Find your life, live your life....for you. Go out, do things, go places, see things....tell your friend. Maybe one day when you find someone special, you will be able to go on a double date, or have a double wedding.
Who knows.

We stagnate ourselves in our emotions. Why, well, that depends on the individual. We all do it for some reason we think is a good one, but its not. Ive done this too, but I did it to myself, I did not have anyone I was attached too be a catalyst for my downfall...I did it all on my own.

Go out, be happy, find a life. Dont ruin yourself beacuse your friend has gone on with his life.

[Rainbowmum]

Hi Charlie,
First let me say welcome.

What you described is a very common scenario , there are so many men here that have gone through exactly the same thing.
I am sure they will be with you soon.

A bit of advice ,try getting involved with your local LGBT community , it helps to have people around you that understand you.

And keep posting on here , you will be surprised at the support and quality advice you will find here.

[monk]

He's straight and he's taken. I know it hurts but back away.

You can't spend the rest of your life pining over something that will never be.

Good luck for the future.

[Mrmatty77]

I joined this site expecting my case to be relatively unknown. Apparently the same forces that assume our fates is not a very creative one as I have now seen many others in the same situation. Our emotions, these love affairs, seem to affect each and every one of us in the same way, yet, no one can seem to find the perfect solution.

I fell in love with my best friend a good 4 years ago. I was attracted to him since those curious and shameful moments in the locker room during my freshman year in high school. These feelings were purely physical, seeing as I knew him only as a classmate and one who I did not associate with seeing as his structure was that of an athlete, his character relaxed and socially inclined, and his...masculine gift(?)... put him in the position where I envied him and I dubbed myself a lesser male for I was quite round, painfully quiet, and ashamed of what god had seemed to jokingly place upon me, as if I didn't have enough to feel insecure about.

It was until that one year where my mathematics skills forced me to transfer into a different...easier class, and I was placed in a class with this guy. We got close, I fell in love, and history moves on.

I love this man to no end. It hurts me to know that he's getting ready to spend the rest of his life with his beloved as of current girlfriend. My body fills with jealousy of her. How I wish to hold him like she does, to be held by him, to be able to sleep by his side, to feel his heart beat. I fully doubt that I will ever love anyone to this extent again in my life. Someone who I admire may come around and who will stay by my side, but I must admit that this person will not hold my whole heart.

As of current I am great friends with the guy, he's more than happy to have me as his best friend, and I am slowly learning to be content. Life is full of pain, what's another stab at my heart? I figure I'd still love him to each possible extent. I may not be able to hold him in my arms, but I can do my best to be there for him whenever need be. I know he still loves me and even though it may be a love as a brother loves his siblings, its a genuine and warm love and that should suffice and hold me down.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's best to just be there. To be a friend, a brother. It's a painful thing to have to go through, but why risk losing a friend over an impossible relationship? It's best for both of you to just strengthen what you already have, to be his precious friend. It's no less than being his precious lover. He'll love you to his own extent. And to know that he gives you his highest love should be the best feeling ever. To know that he still chooses you among others. There are things that he still needs that his girlfriend or whoever can't provide. And He'll be happy to have you with him. I'm sure of it. The Key is to find the strength to fight through your feelings and find happiness in the possibilities. Be thankful you have him as a friend, some don't even have but one.

End Rant.