01-08-2013, 07:40 PM
My name is Charlie. I’m a 22 year old closeted gay male in love with my best friend who is straight and in a relationship.
I am sure my situation isn't as uncommon as I would like to believe, but I personally don’t know anyone I could talk to to express my grief. I met my best friend, Danny, back in the 9th grade, where we would hang out on a daily basis. We would go to the park after school, just shoot some hoops and have dinner in a local joint around the neighborhood. It became routine after a couple months. To meet up after a rough day of high school life, and talk about everything we did that day. I would ignore all my other friends just to be with him. Just to be around him. I wanted to spend every waking moment with Danny, as we enjoyed each other’s company. I was still unsure of his sexuality for the first couple months, so I didn’t want to do anything “weird†to jeopardize our new found friendship. I was also very unsure of my own sexuality back then. Ever since I could remember, I was always attracted to the other boys in my class; maybe as far back as 5th grade. But I would never act differently around them. I would keep my feelings bottled up, afraid of crossing the boundaries of social norms. After a year of knowing Danny, most of my fears and anxieties of the past about these norms seem to have melted away. We would sleep over each other’s houses and just spend hours doing absolutely nothing. Never have I had a friend where I didn’t have to put on any “social masks†to make up for what I felt I lacked. Danny knew me for my true self. There were no fronts, no lies, except of course for that one major detail I kept hidden from him.
There was a time where I asked myself if I felt I was only friends with Danny because I was attracted to him. But that wasn’t the case. He really was a true friend. He would stick up for me when I had arguments with other peers and would always calm me down before big exams by making me laugh. When we finally got our own cellphones, as cellphones were still pretty rare back in my high school years, we would just spend all our minutes and texts on each other. We forced our parents to get unlimited text and minutes just to be able to still text as freely as we desired. I wouldn’t go a day without texting Danny or a day without him texting me. A way for us to stay connected even when we were apart.
As the end of our high school years started to draw year, Danny and I were in the process of applying for colleges. We ended up getting accepted to different college, but we both knew we would stay close friends. For a while, I was devastated. I wanted to share a college experience with my best friend, but the crossroads of my life lead me to a different path. I pursued a different major in a local university, whereas Danny went out of state to pursue his lifelong dream of one day becoming a coach for a professional team. I was happy for him, and I wanted him to be happy as well. But there was a big part of me that yearned to be with him. I was going to go months without seeing him. The summer before college, we spent every waking day talking about how awesome college was going to be. Danny and I were still virgins and we spent the summer talking about how we were definitely going to get laid in college. Because everyone gets laid in college. Our conversations of sex with girls were so painful to me. The thought of Danny having sex with a girl infuriated me. I felt like I was being cheated. My irrational thoughts were fed by my growing lust for Danny. But what was I going to say to him, and how would I even approach such a topic. Silence was my resulting choice. I just couldn’t drop such a bombshell on my best friend before we both go off to college.
So many questions would set off in my head: What if he never talks to me again? - It would KILL ME. What if he was ashamed of me? – again, I would die. What if he told everybody about me? – he wouldn’t, he’s my best friend. What if… What if he wasn’t in my life anymore? – I couldn’t even imagine it. My silence continued throughout college.
In our freshman year of college, we spent a lot of time talking to each other online. Just small little updates on the college everyday life. I was happy Danny would update me on every little thing he did. I would frequently ask him questions if he lost his virginity yet and then quickly change topic to not make my irrational obsession with his virginity obvious. The semester passed, and we spent the holidays together. I missed him so much. It was a cold fall/winter, and the lack of sun made me even more depressed about not being with my best friend for what was the longest we haven’t hung out for. Nothing changed after the first semester. He was still regular old Danny, as I was afraid that college was going to somehow change my best friend. But it didn’t. I noticed that Danny wasn’t very enthusiastic about his first semester. I myself met a couple new friends and dove into some college parties. But Danny had trouble making friends his first semester. So I suggested he join a club or something to make new friends. As the winter break ended, Danny flew back to college and it was another couple months without my best friend. Early spring I get a text from Danny that he was going to pledge for a fraternity. I didn’t know how to react to this text message. I was happy for him that he was finally enjoying college, but there was a big part of me that was jealous. Over the semester he kept texting me about his new found frat brothers and I gave him texts of approval. I was crushed. I wanted to be frat brothers with Danny. I wanted to be there for his experiences, but I wasn’t. The term “brother†that he used for his other fraternity members annoyed me more than it should have. Questions flared again.
Did he replace me with his frat brothers? – no, I was the one that told him to join a club or something.. Is his frat more important than me now? – no, he just met them.. Is this going to change Danny? – I hope not…
Spring break came, and I met up with Danny like we usually do. It was so refreshing to see him again after a couple months. When we were in the car, he looked at me with a weird look, and I was a little confused. Danny told me that he had sex with some girl during his frat imitation. Immediately my head just felt a huge stabbing and my heart grew heavy. On the outside, I expressed joy and glee for my best friend. “Congratulations†I remember saying with a grin. We went out to eat that night and the rest of the break just flew by as I kept thinking about Danny sleeping with this random girl. I hated her. I didn’t even know how she looked like or who she was, but I hated her. He took my best friend’s virginity. I should be happy for Danny, but why did I feel so crappy. Why did I feel like someone shot me straight in the chest? I already knew. I was in love with Danny.
I took up smoking cigarettes during that second semester of college. I was also going to more parties that I usually went to compared to my first sem. In my head I thought, Danny was having fun, why shouldn’t I. I wasn’t having fun at all. I kept thinking of Danny. How much I missed him and how long it’s been since we last saw each other. Our texts weren’t as frequent anymore. Not because he stopped texting me, but I just didn’t want to reply. I was in a spiral of depression. I just wanted to do something crazy. After a long Friday of classes, my classmates invited me to a party downtown. I was drunk by the first hour. That night, I consumed what I felt like the most alcohol I have ever drank in my lifetime. The corner of my eye caught my phone blinking blue rapidly; the signal for new messages. I thought to myself that it was probably Danny. But I was drunk. Fuck Danny. He was probably in a frat party having fun without me. I was in a party too so fuck that. There were so many drunk girls around me, but I wasn’t at all attracted to even one. As the party progressed, I got even more intoxicated. Random girls started to approach me and asked me if I wanted to dance. I surrendered and agreed to dance with this tiny petite Asian girl. We danced for about 3 songs. I enjoyed her company and progressively started to feel a sort of attraction from her. It was different. We snuck off to an empty room and she undressed me real quick. She commenced to give me a blow job; I didn’t feel anything. I looked at her as she was pleasuring me, but things didn’t feel right. She took out a condom from her purse and placed it on my member and then laid in the bed waiting for me to follow. Unenthusiastically, I followed. That night, I had sex for the first time with a girl. I was unsure if I enjoyed it. It was definitely pleasuring and felt good, but I didn’t care about it too much. I thought to myself about how almost all guys anticipate the time they will lost their virginity. How exciting it would be their first time. My first time; drunk and confused. I called Danny up the next day and told him about my night. He was ecstatic. I was in pain and hung-over.
Questions flared again in my head.
Did I just have sex because I was jealous of Danny? – probably… Did I enjoy it? – well… kinda.. Was I confused because I thought my first time would be with…Danny? – the dream is gone…
For time’s sake, I’ll forward on to our current situation. Danny has been with his new girlfriend for about a year and half now. They met in their senior year of college. I love his new girlfriend and enjoy her company. But hearing about her for the first time was not pretty. I was jealous of course, but I’ve matured since freshman year of college. I try and tell myself every now and then that Danny and I could never be an item because he is not gay. But there’s always a part of me that thinks that someday we might be a couple. Irrational as they may be, those thoughts of what may be get me to sleep at night. What I’ve failed to mention in the earlier paragraphs were that Danny and I’s friends always make fun of us for being gay. We tend to be touchy when we hang out, as in hugs and stuff that two guys don’t normally do out in public. Danny doesn’t mind these comments from our friends. But I sometimes enjoy their comments, because it feeds my hope for what may never be. And hope alone prevents me from spiraling into deep depression. I love my best friend so much, but I don’t want to hurt him. What should I do…? Im still broken and empty. For so long I wanted to just tell him that I love him. I really do . 8 years of torment but 8 years of amazing joy because of him. It was very hard for me to write this.
-Charlie
I am sure my situation isn't as uncommon as I would like to believe, but I personally don’t know anyone I could talk to to express my grief. I met my best friend, Danny, back in the 9th grade, where we would hang out on a daily basis. We would go to the park after school, just shoot some hoops and have dinner in a local joint around the neighborhood. It became routine after a couple months. To meet up after a rough day of high school life, and talk about everything we did that day. I would ignore all my other friends just to be with him. Just to be around him. I wanted to spend every waking moment with Danny, as we enjoyed each other’s company. I was still unsure of his sexuality for the first couple months, so I didn’t want to do anything “weird†to jeopardize our new found friendship. I was also very unsure of my own sexuality back then. Ever since I could remember, I was always attracted to the other boys in my class; maybe as far back as 5th grade. But I would never act differently around them. I would keep my feelings bottled up, afraid of crossing the boundaries of social norms. After a year of knowing Danny, most of my fears and anxieties of the past about these norms seem to have melted away. We would sleep over each other’s houses and just spend hours doing absolutely nothing. Never have I had a friend where I didn’t have to put on any “social masks†to make up for what I felt I lacked. Danny knew me for my true self. There were no fronts, no lies, except of course for that one major detail I kept hidden from him.
There was a time where I asked myself if I felt I was only friends with Danny because I was attracted to him. But that wasn’t the case. He really was a true friend. He would stick up for me when I had arguments with other peers and would always calm me down before big exams by making me laugh. When we finally got our own cellphones, as cellphones were still pretty rare back in my high school years, we would just spend all our minutes and texts on each other. We forced our parents to get unlimited text and minutes just to be able to still text as freely as we desired. I wouldn’t go a day without texting Danny or a day without him texting me. A way for us to stay connected even when we were apart.
As the end of our high school years started to draw year, Danny and I were in the process of applying for colleges. We ended up getting accepted to different college, but we both knew we would stay close friends. For a while, I was devastated. I wanted to share a college experience with my best friend, but the crossroads of my life lead me to a different path. I pursued a different major in a local university, whereas Danny went out of state to pursue his lifelong dream of one day becoming a coach for a professional team. I was happy for him, and I wanted him to be happy as well. But there was a big part of me that yearned to be with him. I was going to go months without seeing him. The summer before college, we spent every waking day talking about how awesome college was going to be. Danny and I were still virgins and we spent the summer talking about how we were definitely going to get laid in college. Because everyone gets laid in college. Our conversations of sex with girls were so painful to me. The thought of Danny having sex with a girl infuriated me. I felt like I was being cheated. My irrational thoughts were fed by my growing lust for Danny. But what was I going to say to him, and how would I even approach such a topic. Silence was my resulting choice. I just couldn’t drop such a bombshell on my best friend before we both go off to college.
So many questions would set off in my head: What if he never talks to me again? - It would KILL ME. What if he was ashamed of me? – again, I would die. What if he told everybody about me? – he wouldn’t, he’s my best friend. What if… What if he wasn’t in my life anymore? – I couldn’t even imagine it. My silence continued throughout college.
In our freshman year of college, we spent a lot of time talking to each other online. Just small little updates on the college everyday life. I was happy Danny would update me on every little thing he did. I would frequently ask him questions if he lost his virginity yet and then quickly change topic to not make my irrational obsession with his virginity obvious. The semester passed, and we spent the holidays together. I missed him so much. It was a cold fall/winter, and the lack of sun made me even more depressed about not being with my best friend for what was the longest we haven’t hung out for. Nothing changed after the first semester. He was still regular old Danny, as I was afraid that college was going to somehow change my best friend. But it didn’t. I noticed that Danny wasn’t very enthusiastic about his first semester. I myself met a couple new friends and dove into some college parties. But Danny had trouble making friends his first semester. So I suggested he join a club or something to make new friends. As the winter break ended, Danny flew back to college and it was another couple months without my best friend. Early spring I get a text from Danny that he was going to pledge for a fraternity. I didn’t know how to react to this text message. I was happy for him that he was finally enjoying college, but there was a big part of me that was jealous. Over the semester he kept texting me about his new found frat brothers and I gave him texts of approval. I was crushed. I wanted to be frat brothers with Danny. I wanted to be there for his experiences, but I wasn’t. The term “brother†that he used for his other fraternity members annoyed me more than it should have. Questions flared again.
Did he replace me with his frat brothers? – no, I was the one that told him to join a club or something.. Is his frat more important than me now? – no, he just met them.. Is this going to change Danny? – I hope not…
Spring break came, and I met up with Danny like we usually do. It was so refreshing to see him again after a couple months. When we were in the car, he looked at me with a weird look, and I was a little confused. Danny told me that he had sex with some girl during his frat imitation. Immediately my head just felt a huge stabbing and my heart grew heavy. On the outside, I expressed joy and glee for my best friend. “Congratulations†I remember saying with a grin. We went out to eat that night and the rest of the break just flew by as I kept thinking about Danny sleeping with this random girl. I hated her. I didn’t even know how she looked like or who she was, but I hated her. He took my best friend’s virginity. I should be happy for Danny, but why did I feel so crappy. Why did I feel like someone shot me straight in the chest? I already knew. I was in love with Danny.
I took up smoking cigarettes during that second semester of college. I was also going to more parties that I usually went to compared to my first sem. In my head I thought, Danny was having fun, why shouldn’t I. I wasn’t having fun at all. I kept thinking of Danny. How much I missed him and how long it’s been since we last saw each other. Our texts weren’t as frequent anymore. Not because he stopped texting me, but I just didn’t want to reply. I was in a spiral of depression. I just wanted to do something crazy. After a long Friday of classes, my classmates invited me to a party downtown. I was drunk by the first hour. That night, I consumed what I felt like the most alcohol I have ever drank in my lifetime. The corner of my eye caught my phone blinking blue rapidly; the signal for new messages. I thought to myself that it was probably Danny. But I was drunk. Fuck Danny. He was probably in a frat party having fun without me. I was in a party too so fuck that. There were so many drunk girls around me, but I wasn’t at all attracted to even one. As the party progressed, I got even more intoxicated. Random girls started to approach me and asked me if I wanted to dance. I surrendered and agreed to dance with this tiny petite Asian girl. We danced for about 3 songs. I enjoyed her company and progressively started to feel a sort of attraction from her. It was different. We snuck off to an empty room and she undressed me real quick. She commenced to give me a blow job; I didn’t feel anything. I looked at her as she was pleasuring me, but things didn’t feel right. She took out a condom from her purse and placed it on my member and then laid in the bed waiting for me to follow. Unenthusiastically, I followed. That night, I had sex for the first time with a girl. I was unsure if I enjoyed it. It was definitely pleasuring and felt good, but I didn’t care about it too much. I thought to myself about how almost all guys anticipate the time they will lost their virginity. How exciting it would be their first time. My first time; drunk and confused. I called Danny up the next day and told him about my night. He was ecstatic. I was in pain and hung-over.
Questions flared again in my head.
Did I just have sex because I was jealous of Danny? – probably… Did I enjoy it? – well… kinda.. Was I confused because I thought my first time would be with…Danny? – the dream is gone…
For time’s sake, I’ll forward on to our current situation. Danny has been with his new girlfriend for about a year and half now. They met in their senior year of college. I love his new girlfriend and enjoy her company. But hearing about her for the first time was not pretty. I was jealous of course, but I’ve matured since freshman year of college. I try and tell myself every now and then that Danny and I could never be an item because he is not gay. But there’s always a part of me that thinks that someday we might be a couple. Irrational as they may be, those thoughts of what may be get me to sleep at night. What I’ve failed to mention in the earlier paragraphs were that Danny and I’s friends always make fun of us for being gay. We tend to be touchy when we hang out, as in hugs and stuff that two guys don’t normally do out in public. Danny doesn’t mind these comments from our friends. But I sometimes enjoy their comments, because it feeds my hope for what may never be. And hope alone prevents me from spiraling into deep depression. I love my best friend so much, but I don’t want to hurt him. What should I do…? Im still broken and empty. For so long I wanted to just tell him that I love him. I really do . 8 years of torment but 8 years of amazing joy because of him. It was very hard for me to write this.
-Charlie