Hey Everyone.
So I've been seeing a guy for about 4 months now, and we recently had a bit of an argument (if you could call it that) last night...
He told me that he had to take a train about 40 minutes outside of town the other day for work, and I felt like it sounded odd. I harbored on it for a while and finally confronted him that I knew he was lying about the reason. He admitted it was actually to see a friend he met a few months before me and he didn't want me feeling jealous so he lied. I'm not really the jealous type, so I confronted him again because his reasoning was bogus and he kept twisting the story until finally the truth came down to this; he added this guy as a friend on facebook about a week ago from his mutual friends list, sent him a message, and they agreed to meet and have coffee i.e. go on a date. We have been exclusively seeing each other for about 3 months, and he is the first person I've ever loved.
To quickly summarize his 'justification', he has an ex of about 2 years ago now that died and treated him terribly. I'm talking borderline sexual abuse, constantly cheating and always absent in the relationship. He tells me that I look identical to this ex and that has been the source of some sexual problems between us - he at times hates to touch me because it brings back the memories of the ex. Well he also told me that the reason he went on this other date (where he was going to see 'how things went' - his words not mine) was because he craves that abuse from his previous relationship and I'm too good to him.
Anyways, he has been begging me not to leave him, as I left it off as needing time to think. He never slept with this guy or even kissed or held hands, but he himself did tell me it was a date. It's just so tough because I feel like I've put so much into this and it wasn't enough and he still went and did this to me. He wouldn't have even told me about this if I never confronted him. It would have all just been a lie swept under the rug. Should I trust him again? I mean how possible is that even? He tells me he is finally going to start going to therapy and that maybe I can even go with him. I've NEVER given a second chance before but I've also never loved someone before. If anyone has any advice, it would be so appreciated.
Lots of love,
LNC
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At least he was finally honest when confronted and is willing to try therapy. If my future ex were at least this noble I would have been willing to accept that no one is perfect but at least the first step is acknowledging one's mistakes in the hope of not repeating them. Maybe give another try if you truly do love them and they are willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work. But relationships are work and trust is very hard to rebuild. Keep both eyes open.
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stpdo2 Wrote:At least he was finally honest when confronted and is willing to try therapy. If my future ex were at least this noble I would have been willing to accept that no one is perfect but at least the first step is acknowledging one's mistakes in the hope of not repeating them. Maybe give another try if you truly do love them and they are willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work. But relationships are work and trust is very hard to rebuild. Keep both eyes open.
You call that honest? This guy sounds like he's so used to lying, and unaccustomed to getting caught that he got scared, realized what he had at stake, and would have said anything not to lose it. He sounds desperate for comfort, but longing for excitement at the same time.
If you want to keep him, you have to curb this behavior now, or be prepared to deal with it consistently.
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I agree with Counselor, except for the curbing his behavior. It may be that I'm just a jaded old cow, but it is my experience that people like that don't change very easily, if at all. Especially if they don't want to.
Now if he were to truly go to counseling then perhaps I would change my mind, but ... You know what? I'm not even going to finish that.
You're in a tough situation, and I know exactly how I would deal with it. But that is me and not you. You are the only one that knows this person. I can empathize with your feelings, as I'm sure most of us can. Hurt, betrayal, anger, fear. We've all had them and they eat you up. They leave you out of sorts and you feel you don't know which way to turn. You will eventually get past this. It doesn't seem like it, but you will.
All that being said, instead of waiting for him to start therapy, is there anything stopping you from going? When I go through rough patches in my life, that is one of the first places I head as I know that an in person one on one talk with an uninvolved individual can give me a totally different perspective on the situation. Now I know that's not for everyone, but it's just an avenue for you to possibly explore. I'll tell you though, the therapist didn't always tell me what I wanted to hear. Rather he told me what I needed to hear. Just my two cents.
May the force be with you.
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First, decide if you can deal with the aftermath of abuse in a partner. That is never easy, it takes a lot of patience and understanding and, sometimes it can be an absolute nightmare. I know I am a survivor. On the upside, if you can handle it well, it can build a closer, more intimate relationship.
Second, is he willing to seek help in learning how to deal with his past? Nothing you could say or do would help if he doesn't want help and, doesn't have the coping skills he needs to heal. It sounds like he is looking for the abuse because he doesn't feel he deserves better and, that is a bad place to be, a very common place for survivors to be,m but a bad one.
I would suggest he find a therapist that deals with adult sexual abuse or if not that yet, at least a survivor peer support group or website. He needs to learn that healing is possible and, that he does deserve better.
Up to you if you want to try to help him and, be there as his partner or not. It won't be easy, and, this won't be the last time you debate breaking up, if you decide to stay.
He's got a lot of insecurities and, he's acting out to attempt to relive those - in a bad way. It will happen again, and every time it does, you will be debating the worth of sticking it out. Are you ready to ride that roller coaster for the next several months to years with him?
Don't answer me, answer yourself, and be honest with him once you do decide.
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Lycanthropist Wrote:I agree with Counselor, except for the curbing his behavior.
I'll rephrase: let him know that continuing this behavior isn't what you consider acceptable in the future of your relationship.
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If it was me and I chose to give him another chance (which I'd only CONSIDER doing if he got IMMEDIATE help, and I'd go with him to get an idea on what he means by "getting help," and be advised that even if competent help can be quickly found that it's a slow process) then I'd keep a close eye on his FB for at least a year. Of course I'd let him know, he brought it on himself, and if he likes being treated bad then maybe that can give him a taste of it until he's less dysfunctional (at the very least it would serve as a reminder that trust lost has to be EARNED back, not taken for granted). Consider it probation. He's that desperate to make things right? Then accept it...or GTFO.
If you think 3 months is a lot of time to put into it, what about a year or so when you're dealing with this yet again?
There's also a saying: "First time shame on you, second time, shame on me."
Though honestly, his cheating, while bad enough, isn't what makes me feel repulsed by him, it's the reasons he gave for it. And it also sounds like that if he's with you because you look like his ex then just maybe even if he does get over his dysfunction then he won't be interested in you anymore anyway, because it sounded like he chose you in the hopes that you'd abuse him so he could love & hate you simultaneously rather than anything you actually have to offer (which obviously isn't good enough or he wouldn't be looking elsewhere). I also suspect he loves the drama, and the masochist really was hoping you'd toss him out so he could bask in his own self-pity (some people really are that twisted) and having failed he's probably going to try again very soon, and that's the reason why that if I gave him another chance he'd be under my thumb treated in a way I'd be loathed to treat anyone, even a child, because frankly, that's what he deserves, and I wouldn't trust him to not repeat his behavior first chance he gets if he gets a free pass in exchange for a little shameless begging & pleading (as I say, for a year, and if that year passes then reconsidering to upgrading him to "decent human being worthy of trust & respect" and likely ending it if I can't).
ETA: And I just have to say I wouldn't bother. He's probably going to need a few years of help and maturing which might not ever take, and the reason he hooked up with you in the first place is so messed up that I'd write him off as a lost cause for me and not waste my time, though I'd wish him the best and maybe in 5-10 years later circumstances might make it so that we could try again (not that I'd plan on it).
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Should you trust him again?
I can't answer that , that is up to you entirely.
I think a fairer question would be Can you trust him again, after knowing that he had no intention of revealing the truth without your confrontation?
I wish I could tell you that he would never lie to you again,that he would never cheat on you be it in Real Life or in Cyberspace but I can't do that it either.
There are no guarantees when it comes to relationships,we take a risk every time we allow someone to hold our heart in their hands.
The decision is yours and yours alone.
Regarding what your boyfriend has been through , I hope you can convince him to get some professional help , he needs help dealing with those demons.
We are all here for you.
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personally i find this sort of cheating worse than physical "cheating" at least if it was just sex then it doesnt mean anything. He doesnt seem to be emotionally filfilled from you so i would be surprised if it doesn't happen again.
the fact that he was honest in the end is slightly redeeming but even still there may be issues later on
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Sometimes the best thing to do is to just forget some guy. Give yourself some time to think and look around for someone else. If the guy is deep down important to you, feelings will well up no matter what you do. You at least know how important he is.
Too much confusion can turn your heart to stone. You start avoiding relationships because you assume you will get hurt. Make sure you love yourself.
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