I've shared on other threads here about my recent relationship; my first boyfriend after 19 years married to a woman. I cut off our relationship a week ago (2 1/2 months in) , as it seems to me we have too many differences to keep it going in the long run.
The hard part is that he is such a great guy. He's outgoing, intelligent, funny, sensitive, caring, handsome... I could go on. We had fun together. I miss him. He is really hurt that I cut things off abruptly. We just spoke on the phone, both in tears.
He and I have very different backgrounds. He has been gay and out since he was 14 (now 42). He has experimented widely with drugs, drinks a lot (though rarely to excess), and has been very open with experimenting sexually, including a poly relationship that lasted a couple years (his longest relationship). I am bi, but have only been open to relationships and sex with guys for the past year. I have never touched illegal drugs, though I enjoy drinking socially (rarely to excess). I have 2 teenage kids who are my first priority.
He is a night owl and I'm an early bird. That may sound trivial, but when we spend days together I feel un-centered due to being out of my routine. How can I not stay up late snuggling?
Our personal philosophies are very different. He is too open, in my opinion; believing everyone has their own "relative truth". To me that makes 'truth' meaningless. I like challenging beliefs (mine and others') in order to weed out unfounded views and discover truth, or something closer to it. This has led to hours of heady conversations where we argue in circles and never agree. It's like we speak a different language, and I find it very unsatisfying. I don't think of myself as rigid in my thinking or close-minded, but next to him it's hard not to. I just think he takes openness too far.
[SIZE="5"]Sooo...
[/SIZE]I'm wondering if anyone here has had an experience anything like this. Do I try again with him and hope we can bridge our differences? Are we too different to maintain a relationship, even though we both are attracted to each other? Do we take a step back to being friends (somehow avoiding sex) and see where it leads? (I've considered trying to be "friends with benefits", but for health safety I want an exclusive relationship.) I wish the confusion didn't hurt so much. Let me know your thoughts.
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Forget the superficial differences, go with your heart, we are dynamic beings, we can and do change, adapt and grow.
Differences in philosophy simply make for good, enlightening discussions. When you are with someone, you will adapt your sleep rhythm some as will they until you find a middle you can both live with.
It's okay not to agree on everything - no two people do. he is all for self discovery, personal truths and, you are for more standardized, popular truths. Would you insult me for being an eclectic pagan or, my fiancee for being christian? You may not agree, might not even understand either of our beliefs but, you could accept each as our truth and, what works for us. Can't you do the same with him, for him?
On some things it is okay to simply agree to disagree. If your hearts are in it and, you want it to work, it can.
I can't tell you what to do, but you know where your heart is, go with it and adapt to each other.
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I ended a relationship last year. That was just the official 'its over' ending. The relationship actually ended years earlier. Night and Day never met at dusk or dawn in that relationship. Though Night (me) did give up a lot to Day out of a sense that that is what 'love' means.
Night was wrong, very wrong at times.
Quote:He's outgoing, intelligent, funny, sensitive, caring, handsome... I could go on.
I can say that about a lot of people I know.... doesn't mean I'm in love with them and actually can build a relationship with them.
These differences you mentioned seem to be important to you. As such, he may be merely a good friend, but you need a guy who is more similar for a lover.
Ultimately these questions are yours to answer for yourself.
Just make certain you are not holding on because you think you are too old or something and have no more chances. Life has a way of throwing pleasant surprises, as my fiancee up there above me. 
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I'd say see if you really feel in love. And if these differences are too much for you after you weigh them. Then it's not meant to be. But if you feel like these differences won't matter...go with it. I can only echo what was said. if this does not work out. don't lose hope. I believe everyone has a ONE. It can be a long process But that person is out there.
Mick
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Hello,
Love is a strange emotion and how it works no one knows but one thing it does is make us feel like we won the lottery when we find it and attending a funeral when its over.. The fact your both in tears shows there is a lot of love on both parts still and to be honest if i was you i would go get him and say right we are going to sort and identify the wrongs and rights to us and find out whats what.. I would tell him exactly how i feel about him and that if i beleive in something i beleive it should be given another go. Being on drugs isbnt a good thing for starters because it can cause stress and strain on any relationships and in the long run it wont do no good. If he wants a spliff then fine have a spliff however its got a limit... His gotta make some foundational rules for you if there is anything that needs addressing and you gotta do some for him. I wouldnt recommend quitting right away because the body needs to wean itself off first..
Now you read this why not give him a call and ask for a meet and resolve the differences and work on some new rules start again with the dating the complimenting the sight seeing the bowling cinema and so on... When u guys get living together then set down some like bedtime rules... School nights aim for seven hours sleep if wanting sex go to bed a little earlier and get hanky panky. Make the bedroom a smoke/.drug free area so there is none taken before bed.. If he wants to drink tell him four units a day is the required doseage as everyone likes a drink but no one likes a drunk
good luck
Aunty zeon
Gayspeak agony aunt
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This is addressed to the last part of your post that asks “has anyone experienced anything like this?â€Â
When I was younger and much more naive - a man who was just getting out of the Turkish special forces stepped into my life - quite by accident. We were both the same age but from two completely different worlds. Little did I know that man would teach me two of my most important life lessons – tolerance and acceptance.
Our relationship was quite open to family and friends; we spent all the holidays at my family home and my very large family just adored him. Many a night he and my Grandmother would debate the differences between the Bible and the Quran –home visits were in the deep, deep South.
We had our own version of what you have described. He was very religious, I was into comparative religion, he was conservative I was liberal, he liked a quite life I was the opposite. I’m sure you get the idea – he was faithful, kind, generous, loving, romantic, gentle, patient, tall and very handsome - he treated me as if I were a prince.
We had our ups and down over our difference – much the same way you describe – well, it was really me who had the up and downs as he was a very centered person. The one thing that I could not get past was the fact that he refused to admit that he was, gay or Bi. I really cannot tell you why I reacted so strongly to this as I am actually a very private person, I don't wear my life on my sleeve - so to speak.
I could not and would not accept this premise because I had not yet learned the true meaning of tolerance and acceptance - when it springs from the heart and not from the head. I couldn't stand that he would not conform to what “my idea†of how he should think and act as it related to what I thought his sexuality should be. I felt he owed that much to me if he loved me. I never ask him to admit it to anyone but me.
He was like a stump – no matter what approach I tried – he would not change his position. I would emote every emotion there was in my “persuasions†and he would remain calm and composed and just listen until I had worn myself out. One of my favorite lines to hurl at him was - why are we together is you are not gay or bi? His answers was always the same; because I love you.
I tried everything my within my power to get him to “come around to my way of thinking†but, to no avail. This smallness in me was the source of me finally cutting it off.
Dear god what was I thinking? Even my family knew how wrong this was.
He tried several time to come back but I was too self-righteous – to even consider it, unless he “relentedâ€Â. Finally and reluctantly he returned to Turkey.
It did not take me long to realize what a major mistake I had made. That’s when my mind let go and my heart took over – and suddenly I finally understood – he had truly loved me with all of his heart – I too had loved him with all of my heart. But, there was one major difference between us - he knew the true meaning of tolerance and acceptance and I did not; he accepted me as I was - I did not extend the same considerations. He was right all along he was not gay or bi; he just loved me, plain and simple. That was enough for him and it should have been enough for me.
His absents in my life taught me the difference between the mind and the heart – for that I will be forever grateful. We shared 4 wonderful years together in a completely monogamous relationship.
I am not completely clear if this man is trying to bring unwanted things like drugs and a open relationship into your current relation ship or if it was just to share his back ground - I can fully understand if he is trying to bring them in, why you would cut it off but if that is not the case weigh your options carefully and do what your heart tells you - but keep in mind sometimes our minds trick our hearts.
You never know when someone of major important will step into your life or out of it, they are never wearing a sign announcing who they are and more often than not you discover their importance bit by bit. It's something I learned too late.
I hope this helps in some small way.
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Thanks, guys, for taking the time to respond. It's helpful to read other perspectives. When he and I talked today, we agreed to get together by the end of the week, probably for a walk. I've never burned bridges with people I have dated. I can still care for him, even if I don't believe things will work between us.
MissingNYC Wrote:I am not completely clear if this man is trying to bring unwanted things like drugs and a open relationship into your current relation ship or if it was just to share his back ground - I can fully understand if he is trying to bring them in, why you would cut it off but if that is not the case weigh your options carefully and do what your heart tells you - but keep in mind sometimes our minds trick our hearts.
His drug use is much less than it used to be, although I'm sure he'd be happy if I shared some pot with him once in a while. When I told him I didn't think things would work out for us, he suggested (half jokingly) that taking LSD might do me some good. It might at that, but that's not something I want to base a relationship on. It's not something he has otherwise tried to bring into our relationship. Likewise, he doesn't want an open relationship. His poly experience was a committed threesome that ended badly for all three.
Our conversation later this week will be interesting, to say the least. We both value open honest communication, so I trust we will be able to share our feelings for each other as well as our needs in a relationship, as we understand them. I will be trying to get as clear as possible, in my head and my heart, before then.
"Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?" (Winter Winds, Mumford & Sons)
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Hey, good luck with everything... sometimes it's hard to figure out which "little voice" to listen to, the one coming from our heart or the one coming from the spot between our ears.
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Just a couple thoughts here.
1) I can be pretty skeptical towards the whole "let's just be friends then" arrangement. Yeah, I think some people can make it work, but generally, like I said, I'm skeptical.
2) They say, "opposites attract". And likewise, I think this is a fool's errand. Sure, opposites are very interesting for a little while. But healthy long term relationships thrive on common interests and common goals. You really need to have more IN COMMON with your partner than differences.
FWIW.
Good luck.
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