New relationship - Confused

[username]

Thanks everyone.

[dfiant]

If he doesn't want the relationship to develop, it doesn't matter what or how much potential you think you see, there is ZERO potential.

Hate to burst your bubble, but there is one thing you will never do and that is to change someone.

Keeping it casual is only keeping your hopes up in that something that will never happen may happen.

Missing opportunities mate.

[Kat]

All you can do is point out that if he is gay then you can be the wife and you can adopt the kids and if he doesn't want that and you do then it's time to move on and find some one that wants what you want.

What you're doing would be the same as me marrying a gay man knowing he was gay but just wanted married for appearances, money whatever. Sure it works for those reasons but it's not a real marriage not bad but not what you seem to want either.

[monk]

"I am afraid that I'm gonna be wasting my time into a relationship that's never gonna be long term".

I think you already know that this relationship is doomed - sorry.

Look elsewhere - and good luck.

[darunzahn]

Hey sir,

I may not have the best credentials to give relationship advice, but I think that by the way you talk about him that you really care and don't want to just call it quits if there's even a chance. From the info you've given us it seems like it's time you were true to yourself and had a serious talk with him.

It doesn't need to be an ultimatum nor do I think you should issue one unless you are at a critical juncture in your relationship. Instead of telling him it's your way or the highway, just try outlining how you feel about the siuation, and remember to listen to how he feels too. He may have similar desires as you, but still trapped in the traditional idea of what is expected of him, or maybe he has a deep-seated desire to have children and doesn't see the opportunities available to gay couples. Also, you might have to be ready for the possibility he is certain about what he expected out of your relationship and wants nothing more. It's a scary thought, but he deserves to hear your side of the story and you deserve the chance to pursue your heart.

Hopefully by approaching it this way you can both get things out on the table to be discussed, which is my next suggestion; Don't approach the topic as if it needs to be answered immediately. You've got the benefit of asking for advice, sleeping on it, and wrestling with your heart and he should get the same opportunity. No one can really speak for what he is feeling other than him.

I wish you the best of luck and happiness in your endeavor. Just remember that if it doesn't work out then maybe something else will. Distance makes the heart grow fonder sometimes and if it doesn't then at least you both can put your efforts into something fulfilling for you both.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

30 years is a long time to wait.

I personal have a do not do bisexuals who have their goals set on women, children and that sort of thing. Pretty much for the same reason why you are here asking for advice.

I fear your story is not altogether unique. While the details may be different, the general 'I do not want to commit with a man' theme regularly happens with bisexuals - not all of them, but enough of them to make many gay men (100%) gay not take bisexual men as 'serious relationship material'.

A few tales I have heard have had happy endings where the bi-partner decides they like what they have and settle down contrary to their end goal. But more often than not it does not work out that way.

So yes there is a chance that there is a happy ending here, but by the way you have told it I think that that chance is a bit slimmer than you desire it to be.

I strongly suggest you bring up the subject again, tell him what you are feeling, like you told us, and let him have time - a week or two to really think about his reply based on this new data you present.

I wouldn't push for an immediate reply, as he is most likely going to stick with that original plan of his.

[BobInTampa]

It never ceases to amaze me how many gay men will meet and DATE bi men who, at the very start of the friendship/relationship make it clear to the gay man that they are NOT looking for a gay LTR, continue seeing the bi guy - and then bemoan how upset they are that the bi guy won't fully commit!

While we all know being gay is NOT a decision, it IS up to the individual to DECIDE on how to act on their orientation (be it truely bi or gay).

I hate to be harsh here but did you really think you could do or say anything to change how he feels? Especially given the fact that you admitted to a 30-year search for a partner - you sound quite desperate? And while we've all had those feelings before, consider this: Have you really examined yourself - truly, deeply to to point where you LOVE yourself and that your happiness in life is NOT dependant on the love of another? I'm guessing the answer to that is NO!

So, now you've fallen in love with a bi guy and don't know how to proceed - should you stay the course and be a "f-bud" or move on. Well, given what you posted, my advice is to break it off and then seek out a caring, professional therapist to help you work on YOU - before you continue on this self-fulfilling, and circle of frustration.

There's nothing wrong with seeing a therapist - i went to one when my str8 marriage collapsed and i was dealing with my own issue of accepting my true self - so don't just give up on you! YOU ARE WORTHY OF TRUE HAPPINESS - but you (like many of us) sometimes need guidance and tools to get where we need to be emotionally, mentall and spiritually!