Midlife crisis partner tips

[Partner]

Partner of 11 yrs, seeing hooker 5 yrs ago, just having multiple hook ups, multiple sexual affairs. He is 51? Seeing young latin men. Now HIV positive, after multiple contacts unsafely. I know. Tips for this? He is a good man. No friends of his know the same story. So confused. I am HIV neg. I don't cheat. He wants to discuss or talk about opening the relationship. I don't get it. What words do I use to help him see he is making an ass of himself.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

There are no words to wake him up.

This 'thing' he is going through he has to see for himself, and he has to want to change in order to change. However from what I have read up on the subject of 'Midlife Crises' few actually change back to what they were before the crises. And yes, more often than not the crises brings about job loses, marriages losses, financial losses, and even losses of sobriety and other things. Losses are common, ifnot typical with Midlife crises.

My ex of 14 years did something similar, on average 10 guys a year, got HIV, wanted more, and when confronted wanted to open the doors to an 'open' relationship. Except his midlife crises started in his 30's and ran for 12 years of our relationship.

I seriously doubt you fully comprehend that in his mind the 'choice' was already made. He has been in an open realtionship all of this time. He is not seeking your permission, he is seeking your stamp of approval. Different things.

He made that choice 5 years ago when he hired that hooker, he reaffirmed that choice when he put a lot of work in arranging each new hook-up. Sure there is an app for that, but finding the time to do it, a place, and hiding the evidence from you... That is a lot of work.

No doubt he is sorry, sorry he got caught. Now he is hoping he can have his cake and eat it too by getting your stamp of approval on his being allowed to run around and have fun. Yes he already knows that that is not in your nature and that you will stick to being monogamous to him. He doesn't care if you go out and meet other men, he wants to go out and meet other men.

The five stages of grief are:

Denial
Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Acceptance

I think you are still in the denial phase and trying to find a bargaining chip. Looking for a set of words to make him see - bargaining.


You all may want to try couples therapy. That might (most likely will not, but there is some minor chance) lead to solutions to the problems and you finding some sort of middle ground where you get to keep him... mostly...

I empathize with you greatly here. I wish I could give you a few magic words to fix all this and make it better.

[CellarDweller]

No doubt he is sorry, sorry he got caught. Now he is hoping he can have his cake and eat it too by getting your stamp of approval on his being allowed to run around and have fun. Yes he already knows that that is not in your nature and that you will stick to being monogamous to him. He doesn't care if you go out and meet other men, he wants to go out and meet other men.

The five stages of grief are:

Denial
Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Acceptance

I think you are still in the denial phase and trying to find a bargaining chip. Looking for a set of words to make him see - bargaining.


You all may want to try couples therapy. That might (most likely will not, but there is some minor chance) lead to solutions to the problems and you finding some sort of middle ground where you get to keep him... mostly...

I empathize with you greatly here. I wish I could give you a few magic words to fix all this and make it better.

Couldn't have said it better myself, which is why I quoted it.

A good friend once told me: You can't control the actions of others, you can only control your reaction to their actions.

If I were in this situation, as much as it would hurt (and it would hurt) his bags would be packed and waiting for him on the porch when he got home.

[Partner]

That's exactly what I thought. Thank you for such a thoughtful reply.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

to the forum Partner, just unfortunate that its under these circumstances.

I think to a degree you have answered your one quandary:

making an ass of himself

The challenge is that at 51 and HIV+ he's playing the field like there is no tomorrow. Not only is he continuing to put his own health in more danger, he is putting others at risk as well, and this includes you. Nothing you can say will make him change as you have effectively (unwittingly perhaps) consented to his behaviour by not reading the riot act 5 years ago when this behaviour first raised its ugly head.

Clearly you have a lot of effort and love invested in the relationship, and if he hasn't gotten that message after you continue to support him through his cheating and HIV status, then Im afraid t this stage there is very little you can say to him to have any impact on his choice of lifestyle. His wishing to discuss a more open relationship is quite frankly irrelevant at this stage.

I don't think anything I or anyone else could say would be providing you with a "tip" on how to resolve the situation. You have made a very clear statement:

I am HIV neg. I don't cheat.

This for me is the most important thing to concentrate on right now, above everything else.

The only way you are going to maintain this status, and your sanity, is to either clearly state your expectations should he wish to continue in the relationship, or, as CellerDweller says, pack his bags.

11 years is a long time to be together, so there will be much financial and social friendships intertwined between both of you. You need to start some practical planning now for your safe extraction plan should things continue to deteriorate, which based on what you have told us is very likely. Things like house/mortgage if applicable, bank accounts etc. Planning now, will ease the transition should it be needed.

Good Luck

ObW
X

[EJ13]

I am HIV neg.

That's the only thing that matters. Just don't be around him anymore even if it hurts. One slip up, and that quote could change. That would be awful and sad.... For your sake, talk about it with him, and for your own good and morality (he IS cheating on you, the excuse is the option of opening the relationship) break with him :/

Kudos!