Younger with older who just came out
03-02-2013, 07:17 PM
I have been gay all my life: first sex at age 12; first older lover at 18 – lasted a few years; many short time flings (including European romances) followed, before a few years with another older lover. It’s safe to say that I’ve been "around the block," as they say. Yes, I love older men! With my hectic schedule furthering my education while managing a couple of businesses abroad, I feel ready to slow down being a playboy and have some sort of stability. I don’t think having a monogamous relationship is practical; perhaps an open relationship is more realistic.
While living in the US, I dated an older guy (24 years my senior) for six months until I had to leave out of the country. We initially met up just for sex, but our feelings developed. We lived a couple of hours from each other but would meet every 1-2 weeks or so. We liked doing things together such as hiking all day to set up a camp on top of a mountain, discussing about philosophy over our favorite beers, driving hours to see our favorite bands, tantric sex for hours, etc. The age gap was not an issue at all. It seemed like the perfect match that most people dream of, BUT with a few complications.
About three years before I met him, he had just come out of the closet after having been married for 20+ years. Because of this, he wanted to try to have sex with as many men as he could and, therefore, not yet ready to commit. Neither was I ready to commit. He told me that he needed to experience and learn what works for him. We remained "more than friends but less than boyfriendsâ€Â. I was open to see other people; he was also open to do the same. This was new for me, as I would normally date one person at a time. It took some growing up on my part and I learned to manage my insecurities. He was also in therapy twice a week to help him sort out his new life of being a gay person and having had a rough childhood.
Before we met, he’s been seeing another older man regularly. He even traveled abroad with him the year before we met. He mentioned to me that they have sex together even though he is not in love with him; he was in love with me instead (supposedly). (He introduced me to the other lover once at a gala, and we were both aware that we were sleeping with the same guy!) We were very open and honest to each other that I also knew when he would hook up with other men. I also told him about my sexcapades. At times, he would express how jealous he was; other times, it would be me being jealous. Lots of discussions would follow and we would feel better once again.
Six months passed and it was time for me to leave the country to be in Europe for a year. I told him that keeping the long-distance relationship would be hard for me and that it would be best to reconnect again upon my return. I proposed that he would just explore around while I do my thing in Europe. He didn’t approve of that and would rather keep in touch everyday with the possibility of him visiting me in Europe. I agreed. We expressed how much we loved each other. He told me that he hasn’t been loved as much as I’ve loved him and that no one has told him beautiful and sweet words as much/deep as I have.
While in Europe, I kept in touch with him everyday through modern technology and would even have cyber sex. We updated each other on our separate lives including sexual experiences we had with other men. A few months settling in Europe, I felt very stressed with my new life here with some added drama with my businesses in another country. Those things added to my frustration with our relationship (mainly because I felt jealous of him spending weekends with different men), which led me to become angry towards our situation. I told him that I couldn’t continue with what we had. But he took an assignment for a week at a nearby city where I live now. He told me that the only reason he took the assignment was to be with me, even for only a few days. We made up and we were happy once again. I showed him the nightlife in Europe; we held hands while walking in the rain in some popular city; we went to bathhouses together; we spent countless hours talking and catching up; etc.
During the holidays, I went to visit my family in another country. He remained in the US, traveling both east and west coasts to see friends and family members. In some trips, his older lover went with him. This means that “the other guy†met his family members, while I only know their names and what they look like. I was beginning to see that perhaps this other older guy has more potential for a long-term relationship with him than me. So I expressed the conflict inside of me and told him that I was done with him.
Holidays passed. After arriving back to Europe, he wanted to Skype. He expressed his love for me. He also reminded me that he, too, had feelings; that dumping him a few times had been hurtful. Somehow, after discussing things, we made up… again! Nothing changed in our lives ever since then – he was still seeing the other older guy regularly while hooking up with other men when he can; I continued my life in Europe and getting laid when I have time. We would still express our love to each other with endless texts and occasional Skype.
A week ago, I just felt I have had enough. The first year anniversary of our first meeting was coming up and I just couldn’t continue any longer. I felt like shit, inadequate, and down. Eventually, I realized that I’m too good for him, dammit! I’m young, fabulous, got his shit together, smart, and all that jazz (yes, I’m just making myself feel better, so don’t rain on my parade!). So, I sent him an email to tell him to concentrate on his life in the US while I focus with mine in Europe. I told him that I’d be happy to get updates on his life now and then, and that perhaps we’d reconnect upon my return to the US in a few months. We both cried while texting each other for a couple of hours. He told me once again that no one has ever loved him as much as I have loved him. He also told me that maybe I was more mature in the gay world than he is.
I miss him terribly. I feel that I’ve lost something worth fighting for. Was I not understanding enough of his situation (being fresh out of the closet)? I just think that we were in different phases in life that we didn’t fully appreciate each other. Perhaps it wasn’t the right time? Am I being too selfish to preserve my self and sanity? Am I being realistic with the distance? Did I quit too soon?
Writing this already makes me feel much better.
While living in the US, I dated an older guy (24 years my senior) for six months until I had to leave out of the country. We initially met up just for sex, but our feelings developed. We lived a couple of hours from each other but would meet every 1-2 weeks or so. We liked doing things together such as hiking all day to set up a camp on top of a mountain, discussing about philosophy over our favorite beers, driving hours to see our favorite bands, tantric sex for hours, etc. The age gap was not an issue at all. It seemed like the perfect match that most people dream of, BUT with a few complications.
About three years before I met him, he had just come out of the closet after having been married for 20+ years. Because of this, he wanted to try to have sex with as many men as he could and, therefore, not yet ready to commit. Neither was I ready to commit. He told me that he needed to experience and learn what works for him. We remained "more than friends but less than boyfriendsâ€Â. I was open to see other people; he was also open to do the same. This was new for me, as I would normally date one person at a time. It took some growing up on my part and I learned to manage my insecurities. He was also in therapy twice a week to help him sort out his new life of being a gay person and having had a rough childhood.
Before we met, he’s been seeing another older man regularly. He even traveled abroad with him the year before we met. He mentioned to me that they have sex together even though he is not in love with him; he was in love with me instead (supposedly). (He introduced me to the other lover once at a gala, and we were both aware that we were sleeping with the same guy!) We were very open and honest to each other that I also knew when he would hook up with other men. I also told him about my sexcapades. At times, he would express how jealous he was; other times, it would be me being jealous. Lots of discussions would follow and we would feel better once again.
Six months passed and it was time for me to leave the country to be in Europe for a year. I told him that keeping the long-distance relationship would be hard for me and that it would be best to reconnect again upon my return. I proposed that he would just explore around while I do my thing in Europe. He didn’t approve of that and would rather keep in touch everyday with the possibility of him visiting me in Europe. I agreed. We expressed how much we loved each other. He told me that he hasn’t been loved as much as I’ve loved him and that no one has told him beautiful and sweet words as much/deep as I have.
While in Europe, I kept in touch with him everyday through modern technology and would even have cyber sex. We updated each other on our separate lives including sexual experiences we had with other men. A few months settling in Europe, I felt very stressed with my new life here with some added drama with my businesses in another country. Those things added to my frustration with our relationship (mainly because I felt jealous of him spending weekends with different men), which led me to become angry towards our situation. I told him that I couldn’t continue with what we had. But he took an assignment for a week at a nearby city where I live now. He told me that the only reason he took the assignment was to be with me, even for only a few days. We made up and we were happy once again. I showed him the nightlife in Europe; we held hands while walking in the rain in some popular city; we went to bathhouses together; we spent countless hours talking and catching up; etc.
During the holidays, I went to visit my family in another country. He remained in the US, traveling both east and west coasts to see friends and family members. In some trips, his older lover went with him. This means that “the other guy†met his family members, while I only know their names and what they look like. I was beginning to see that perhaps this other older guy has more potential for a long-term relationship with him than me. So I expressed the conflict inside of me and told him that I was done with him.
Holidays passed. After arriving back to Europe, he wanted to Skype. He expressed his love for me. He also reminded me that he, too, had feelings; that dumping him a few times had been hurtful. Somehow, after discussing things, we made up… again! Nothing changed in our lives ever since then – he was still seeing the other older guy regularly while hooking up with other men when he can; I continued my life in Europe and getting laid when I have time. We would still express our love to each other with endless texts and occasional Skype.
A week ago, I just felt I have had enough. The first year anniversary of our first meeting was coming up and I just couldn’t continue any longer. I felt like shit, inadequate, and down. Eventually, I realized that I’m too good for him, dammit! I’m young, fabulous, got his shit together, smart, and all that jazz (yes, I’m just making myself feel better, so don’t rain on my parade!). So, I sent him an email to tell him to concentrate on his life in the US while I focus with mine in Europe. I told him that I’d be happy to get updates on his life now and then, and that perhaps we’d reconnect upon my return to the US in a few months. We both cried while texting each other for a couple of hours. He told me once again that no one has ever loved him as much as I have loved him. He also told me that maybe I was more mature in the gay world than he is.
I miss him terribly. I feel that I’ve lost something worth fighting for. Was I not understanding enough of his situation (being fresh out of the closet)? I just think that we were in different phases in life that we didn’t fully appreciate each other. Perhaps it wasn’t the right time? Am I being too selfish to preserve my self and sanity? Am I being realistic with the distance? Did I quit too soon?
Writing this already makes me feel much better.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
