domestic abuse (gay)

[pellaz]

for the boys; do you think we are susceptible to giving receiving physical abuse. At what point would a husband, partner, date, trick deserve it. What would your response be as the receiver?

read:
"One in four gays is abused by their partner"

[megumidesu]

At what point would a husband, partner, date, trick deserve it.

.......
never.

[SolemnBoy]

Never, unless it's a matter of self-defense. Your partner can be unfaithful any number of times, verbally abuse you, steal things or whatever; it's not okay to hit him.

Also, I think statistics related to domestic abuse are kind of untrustworthy. But maybe I'm wrong.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Well as anyone who has read anything on me knows, I had two abusive relationships - well relationships that ended with abuse.

I was the 'victim' in both cases. The first guy punched me once, and I packed a bag and had to literally climb out a window. He followed me to the street, got on his knees and begged me to stay saying 'Oh baby, I promise it will never happen again'.

I made the horrible mistake of accepting the apology.

A week later he laid into me, punching, knocking me down to the ground, standing over me and screaming 'I love you' as he repeatedly kicked me. Fortunately this was in front of a gay bar where several guys pulled him off me. Had this been at home I most likely would have been in very serious trouble. As it was I got cracked ribs and has to spend the night in hospital because the doctors were a tad worried about my brain.

The second ended with him throwing me hard into a wall. Hard enough to snap one of the bones in my forearm, hard enough to break through the drywall and leave a hole in the wall.

I left and never looked back.

I am also a survivor of childhood abuse, which has set the stage for patterns in behaviors that make me a tasty treat for potential abusers. While survivors and victims don't actually 'ask' for another abuser in their lives, because of what abuse does we have behaviors and attractions to potential abusers.

In both cases before the physical violence set in, there was a period of increased emotional and verbal abuse. There is also other things, such as the abuser inevitably starts tightening their grip on their partner. Such as 'forbidding' you to go out on your own. Such as deciding who you can and can't see as a friend. such as 'forbidding' your family from coming to visit.

In many cases the abuser does it 'nicely' and even tells you that they are doing it out of love and think that you may get hurt, so they want you to stay closer to home, and not be in danger. At first it sounds nice, knowing someone has your best interests at heart, but eventually it becomes more dominating/controlling behavior.

If you were abused earlier in life the sound of having a protector like that is heart warming. Most abused individuals are seeking a protector. The line between 'real loving protector' and 'control freak' becomes blurred. It slowly takes place and you are not certain if you have reached the stage where this is too creepy.

The emotional/mental/verbal abuse is also gradual. At first the abuser only occasionally accuses you of being a fuck-up, but as time progresses there is more and more stuff you are doing wrong. Its the frog in the pot of heating water, you adjust to it because its getting hot slowly.

In the case of my second it was largely 'roid Rage. He was taking steroids and was generally a nice enough fellow. It wasn't until near the end that suddenly his attitude changed and he became a rage-aholic. He 'suddenly' snapped.

The one thing I have going for me is I'm not afraid to be homeless and on the street. I am also not attached to material stuff. I have left houses full of crap to get away from not-so-nice people. Many abused individuals have their priorities skewed, or are terrified of the prospect of being homeless. So they stick with the abuser thinking that things will work out for the better.

Another thing I have going for me is I know that people don't change. I do not have this belief that I can change a person to be less or not an abuser.

Victims stick around, survivors walk away. Victims also tend to not seek to change their own behaviors and do to some degree attract abusers and are attracted to abusers. Survivors try to change those patterns, try to understand what is going on and break the chain.

Due to my experiences I know exactly what to watch out for, and even then I'm not perfect. I do have much clearer boundaries on what is and is not acceptable.

[Maverick]

I agree, it's never ok. There are many "other" rational/civilized ways to resolve conflict. People need to learn restraint and control their anger, which seems to be getting tougher and tougher these days... very sad.

[HomeagainNYC]

for the boys; do you think we are susceptible to giving receiving physical abuse. At what point would a husband, partner, date, trick deserve it. What would your response be as the receiver?

]

Under no condition is Physical, Sexual or Physiological abuse deserved or acceptable.

[Maverick]

And speaking of physiological/mental abuse... a lot of that goes on and is "never" reported. If there aren't any bruises or scars, pretty hard to prove. However, so many abusers have a "controlling" personality, and that just goes with the territory. And here is where it really manifests itself, often times this is where, in straight marriages for example, women are the most guilty of abusing their husband (and I'm not picking on women here, but just saying...). Mental abuse can be just as harming and detrimental as physical abuse.

[Vaylen]

When a fist is raised, that sums it up...It is NEVER okay to raise your fist against your partner or anyone else, for that matter. I understand that sometimes anger can overtake us, but that is never something we should act on. The mere thought of raising my hand against my beloved is so far off the scale that it's not even funny...I can't put myself in the place of mind where it would seem logical or justified to hit a person you claim that you love.

There is of course a physiological reason why abuse happens...but that reason rarely to never justifies anything of the sort. Our loved ones are the ones we are supposed to feel SAFE with, not the other way around...

[dfiant]

never acceptable to raise a hand/fist in anger at anyone, let alone a loved one.

Maybe I am a cold hearted bastard, but the one time I was threatened, I walked away and never spoke, replied to phone calls/Text messages or even acknowledged his presence again.

Been told I was cold for doing that, so if it was cold, then I am bloody proud of that.

[Dan1980]

No one deserves domestic abuse. My ex used to beat me up and knocked me out loads of times.