Drained, yet Heavy...
Unequivocally Ambiguous.
Dreaming Out Loud
Eyes Closed, but Sight clear as a whistle
Surrounded by Openess
Strangely Normal.
Close to being Far
Physically Spiritual
Comprehensible, but Misunderstood
Relatable, but Avoided
Praised, but Shunned.
New and Old.
Distant, but Here.
Ubiquitous, but Nowhere.
Refreshed but Tired.
Empathetic but pitied
I feel sooo... Misplaced... It sounds like mumbo jumbo, but it's hard to explain...as feelings usually are.
Outside of my Jovial, nature, I don't feel like people really get the idiosyncratic intricacies that lay behind my eyeballs and in my spirit...It's like I'm exisiting outside of relativity, but yet, I'm here... I feel like whatever purpose the Divine Tree put me here for remains even ambiguous to it, and yet I follow whatever it is blindly, doing what comes naturally.
I have to wonder If I truely am this deep thinking Empathic person I feel like I am, or if I was made to be this way by an outside force?
The conundrum that is understanding truely one's self afflicts me, yet, I have no problems with other people... I have to wonder why.
More and more lately, I notice myself developing other people's traits and personalities and utilizing my own less and less. I try to put up a block, using my inate Joviality, but at times it peeks through.
For instance, a person looks nervous, so I too become nervous or someone is arrogant, I become arrogant, even if it's not toward the person...
And This is not new, as when I was younger, I tended to live in my best friend's shadow, being whatever he wanted or needed me to be, usually his voice of reason...but not being around him allowed me to develop my own personality and traits...but over the years, I always had a tendency to mimic others... Not to fit in, but because it's what felt natural...
I realized I was doing it and tried to purposefully push my personality forward, but it's so easy to slip up...and I wouldn't realize until after the person left me or vice versa.
My morals seem to stay in place, I never laugh at a person in distress, I do not steal, I don't hurt anyone, but if someone becomes judgemental...I tend to become so as well...against what I want to do.
I hate catching the bus, because it's so confusing, I don't know what to do, there's so many different emotions, I tend to become withdrawn in this circumstance...
Being in Nature always relaxes me and dampens all the feelings but calm and my own. I purposefully walk through abandoned or seldom used paths for this reason, especially if there are plenty of trees.
I often feel crazy, because I know this is not normal or typical behavior and as such, do not like to talk in-depth about it, because I do not want to be laughed at, nor disbelieved, as in that case, I'd rather keep to myself. I can joke with it, but that's really me trying to reach out for understanding and perhaps acceptance...
I hate being viewed as weak or strange and especially pitied, which is why I tend to have a thick wall of steel around my psyche and emotions, but really it's a piece of paper...
Animals too give me strange, often erratic feelings. I work with a man, who claims he too can feel, if not interpret what the animal is feels, usually through body language, but he does not know about me.
For instance, I intuitively know when and if an animal is going to bite/strike, but have often been clouded by some, as they can quickly change their intentions. This baffles some of my co-workers, because a parrot we've had for years would always bite the feeders hand, but when I started, she never has tried to bite my hand, but I know when she wants to and I leave her alone.
I feel anxious when an animal is cornered, or panic when an animal is in distress, which sounds utterly ridiculous and absolutely fantasy-like, even to my own ears/eyes.
This will be the first and last time I ever post this, as this is truely me with no pretenses or filters... And as much as I would love to always be myself, I already know people wouldn't find it normal, fun or even real, so I'd rather be the Gurl you all know and love <3.
Plus Sis, being all doomy gloomy can't be that fun, and I know none of you gurls are here for it.
But thanks for reading this far though, I feel like I got a lot off my chest and am very light.
The only people who get and accept me truely, is my Mother and my Grandmother, so hopefully you guys do too. <3
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
Scorpio
![[Image: What_a_fine_day_for_science_by_Lilostitchfan.jpg]](http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs36/f/2008/251/7/5/What_a_fine_day_for_science_by_Lilostitchfan.jpg)
