Ok, here i go. I am new here and this is my first post and i aim to make it short.
My boyfriend and i have been dating for 2 years now and i wouldn't go here unless i thought i need advice which i guess i do. Our relationship has been wavy and bumpy but overall we always solved our problems and we grew to love each other more and more. But the problem is sometimes he just cant let go of doubt and a fear of not loving me since he just came out recently and it is still a big deal for him as i think he doesn't accept himself so much so he cant really relax in a relationship and is much too hard for him to just let go and love without doubting himself. That said we have entered a monotonous faze of a relationship and everything has just cooled down even our feelings for each other have gone lower but i guess for him it just doesn't work that way, he is afraid that one day he will stop loving me and these stages just frighten the crap out of him, i am on the other hand always struggling to keep the cool between us and everything, i am scared to because i feel so much love from him and so much doubt at the same time and i really need your help, i know i must seem desperate but yeah i kinda am. Don't wanna lose something so precious over something so silly.
It was a long post in the end but hey, i was just being honest and i need your advice on what to do!
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From the sound of things, I don't think you have a lot to worry about. Sounds like you two care for each other a lot. I was in a relationship with someone who was new to coming out to everyone even himself. It is a difficult relationship to be in. There is no doubt that you have a lot of feelings for this man, the problem I am seeing is that he is doubting things. This right there alone tells me that his heart wasn't in it the entire time. If he is worried about not loving you anymore, than he hasnt started loving you in the first place. HE might have the idea of being in love with you in his heart, but it isnt fully there.
How about just you two having a day of the week where you go do something with just you two. Like bowling or miniature golf or something. Maybe even plan a night out of the week where you two plan a game night at your place and invite over other couples and have a game night with them. THis way you can watch them interact with each other and maybe see what you missing in your relationship.
I am no love doctor or anything, these are all my thoughts and ideas. I hope I have been of some sort of help to you.
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Yeah, that would be nice but we always end up alone in his flat or just go to coffee's so the problem is this monotony , we just do the same things every day when we see each other. I know he has feelings for me because whenever we go deeply in it we both cry and we express mutual love for each other, but his mind is so blocked and i can feel the barrier sometimes, this is not the first time it happened and i do not think it will be the last. Just plain dealing with it is so hard but i wish i could just make it go away. And that is the real problem, constant barricading himself in his own mind.
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Congrats on getting so far with your partner.
First off one thing ive noticed with my own relationship is that you go through waves of emotions and hight end amounts of feelings for one another this is totally natural.
There's times where i feel distant from my partner and feel as if where just not on the same page and i start to worry like crazy thinking the worst but thats when either I or he does something that re sparks the fire and keeps everything going again.
What your partner is feeling is I guess natural as his doubting his own ability of emotional being, so maybe you just have to step in remind him just how he makes you feel, dont make it about yourself make him feel good by telling him just what he does to you remind him of all the little things that makes your heart flutter a few beats.
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The only piece of advice I can give you is that I think its important that you don't live in each others pockets 24x7. You need to give each other space to allow you to do your own things, whether thats work, socialising, friends etc.
If you don't do things separately, it can be difficult to find new things to talk about which can lead to periods of silence and withdrawal.
Good Luck,
ObW
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Your post leads me to believe that your boyfriend is so fixated, on what may go wrong, that he is paralyzing himself - to what he actually has - with you for his partner. It’s very sad, but many people live their whole lives this way, always in the imaginary world of fear, never seeing the wonders of today; the reasons why are endless. It hard enough for us to figure out the - whys and wherefores - in our own lives, it’s next to impossible, to do it for others.
The only thing you have control over in this situation - is yourself, and how you react to your boyfriend’s distress. At some point we all have to take a leap of faith, it’s now his turn, if he wants this relationship to work in the end, you have shown your willingness to support him in that leap. Ah, we should all be that lucky; you are doing all you can, you’ve illuminated the way forward, if he care to follow it.
You seem to have a good grip on how to be a steady/calming influence for him, and, have a positive perspective - on the possibilities of your relationship. However, unless he is willing to do some work to turn around his fearful point of view to a more optimistic one, I’m apprehension that you may be trying to fill a bottomless hole inside of him.
Some people do “reassurance” very well, but I think it might be starting to wear on you. Often it has a way of turning back on us and we end up, resenting, the person we were reassuring. Only you will know where the line is - regarding how long, you want to keep reassuring him, without some changes/work on his part.
Oh, the other thing you have control over - is to never let each day become “monotonous”. A walk, a picnic, a new coffee shop, a free concert are all within your power and budget. After all, you do live in the capital of your country, and it’s a wonderful city, with great energy. So you are neither culturally deprived - nor isolated; if things are getting “monotonous”, you, can change that record.
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