Lack of sex and my obsessive nature bog my mind down

[ZackT]

So, I'm still with my Fiance. We've been together a little over 3 years and 6 months. I came out as Bi to her something like a year and a half ago, and overall it went well. I told her I didn't need to experiment or go off fuckin dudes or anything, I was with her and I wanted to be with her. I've told her I don't think it's worth it to go off and get fucked in the ass to find out what it feels like, if that means throwing away our relationship or damaging it really bad.

For awhile, I was able to kinda put the gay-side of me aside. I stopped using dildos on myself (partially cause I was more focused on being with her and didn't feel the need to explore that side of myself, and partially because I just simply can't get off that way it seems). I wasn't looking at gay porn. I wasn't really thinking about men at all.

Then BAM it comes back and it comes and goes in intensity, but what really is kicking me now is just the sexual desire to do all sorts of fantasies. Fantasies that I know I simply can't do with her.


We haven't been able to have sex more than once every 2 weeks or so, for the last few months. The reasons for this are numerous: She's really hurting in her back/hip region, she's nautious/tummy troubles, she or we are too tired, she just doesn't feel like it, and most recently and more worryingly - She's been having this sort of ever-lasting period thing going on. She's not bleeding as much as she would during a normal period, but she's had a regular flow for about a month now. She hasn't seen a doctor due to us being busy with getting ready to move.

And that's another thing that's about to add to the No Sex stuff. We're moving from California to Oklahoma, living with my mom for awhile as we get back on our feet out there. We're staying with her dad here in California this week, as our stuff is already moved and stored, and so she doesn't want to have sex in his house. Then we'll be visiting one of her friends on our trip to OK, visiting my grandparents, and then finally be at my moms. No sex on the trip, no sex while we're at my moms.

I'm just becoming so sexually frustrated, and it's becoming more exasperated by the lack of any sex at all. I know I'm a bit kinky, I want to participate in double penetrations of multiple varieties (Me and another dude penetrating a girl A/V, penetrating same hole at once, and me getting double anal). I want to experiment with a guy at all. I want to be with 2 girls at once.

Out of those, the most likely one I could convince her to do is to do a threesome with another girl. We've talked about it before, and she's always been a bit intrigued by the idea of having sex with a girl. But I doubt it'll ever really happen. I think we'd both be too worried about hurting each other's feelings with jealousy and insecurity.


It's just frustrating. I haven't talked to her about it, because whenever I bring up something "negative" about her/our relationship, she gets very mopey and sad and just can't take it. It also often gets turned back around on me because she'll bring up something that I do that causes her behavior, so inevitably everything's my fault anyway. So I just try and out-last it. Eventually we'll have sex again.

[MisterTinkles]

Sounds like you guys need therapy.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

No I am no expert when it comes to women, but being a gay man I have had a lot of 'gal-pals' and other women tell me all sorts of things which I frankly don't think gay men need to know. So pulling from that warehouse of data....

These cramps, prolonged menstruation, tummy symptoms and lack of interest in sex could be signs of a serious under lying disorder. So she should see a specialist and get medical problems ruled out. Polyps to hormone imbalances and much more could be playing a role here. Most are easy to detect/figure out.

If it is a hormone imbalance, it is highly likely that one of the old school hormone based contraceptives will sort her body chemistry out. The new ones are not hormone based thus do not work on other issues like the old ones did. One of my nieces has 'womanly issues' caused by hormones and was put on the pill when she was 14 and has had a regular, 'nice' menstruation cycle ever since.

The stress of the move may actually be the leading cause here. Menstruation can be seriously upset by simple, minor 'stuff' in day to day life. Stress can lead to missed periods, prolonged periods, messy periods - etc. How long as this move been on the table? Are there other worries like financial ones that could be stressing her out?

As for you... Clearly you have a rich fantasy life... Its OK, I think everyone has a decent amount of fantasy to go along with their reality.

However, when under duress/stress a lot of people start focusing a lot more on their fantasy life than on reality - its a sort of escapism which is healthy and falls well within nominal parameters of human experience.

Moving from one place to another is considered as stressful as losing a job, as having a death in the family, as going through divorce. It is one of the big stressors, and for you it appears that a job or lack of a job may actually be playing a role, plus you are moving in with dad which brings is own set of interesting 'problems'. So there is a lot of stress here for both of you. Its not just a move, but other 'stuff' that relates to this move.

Her's is most likely being expressed in 'womanly issues' and yours is being expressed in a desire to explore your fantasy world more. Both fall well within nominal parameters, of if it makes it easier to digest 'normal'.

That mopy thing on her part may be depression. Another wonderful aspect to stress is that it causes depression in many people.

With the stuff on your all's plate right now, this move and whatever else is tied into moving.

Undoubtedly she has enough worries on her plate and the added 'frustrations' that exploring sex will have a negative impact and make stress and depression worse.

Once you two get moved, settled perhaps in a place of your own, things are bound to get better/easier and this stress will pass.

Right now she should see a doctor to rule out medical reasons for this 'womanly issue' - I think it may just be stress related, but the chances are there that this is something organic/chemical.

Right now stick with taking matters to hand - masturbation and fantasy is perfectly fine. Don't try to explore other things, and right now is not a time to bring it up.

Focus on the move, be supportive of one another and patient - you are both experiencing stress - try to remind each other of that and be there for each other.

Once you get settled or partially settled in your new home if these things continue to be a 'problem' you may want to seriously consider couples counseling.

I really think that once you two do get to where you are going and get pass this move that things will settle out on their own and you two will regain a bit of balance in your lives and this other 'stuff' will pass.

Yeah sure the bisexual fantasies will remain, but they will not be as pressing for you as they appear to be now.

[ZackT]

That makes a ton of sense. Thank you