Cheating

[SolemnBoy]

In my opinion, adultery is worse than snooping but both are very serious. Only under really special circumstances would I forgive a partner for either.

[princealbertofb]

how many gay couples actually sit down to setup the relationship? I didnt and doubt a lot of guys have. so where are these rules written as what is ok and not.

Quite true, Pellaz, probably many people, including straight couples, don't lay the rules down, but it is a good idea to have these things out in the open, not just to take things for granted or to assume... I know Marshlander and I set out the rules quite early, and occasionally we re-discuss them, and reorientate them to fit the times and new circumstances. It's what's healthy to keep a relationship going on a good and sound basis.

[KawaiiKitty]

I dont think snooping just for the sake of snooping is good. With that in mindI think the OP had felt something was going on and thats why he "had the sudden urge" to check his bf's email. I dont believe people just get that urge for no reason. I mean there are signs, even subconscious signs that you pick up on without even realizing it.

If your partner has been one way for years and then suddenly stops doing that thing, whatever it is, then there is probably a good reason for it. If they stop being as affectionate or patient or attentive as they used to be, that could be a sign. Im not saying that just because someone changes it means theyre cheating but it could be a good indication.

I cant think of any other way really to see if someone is cheating without having to invade their privacy in some way other than accusing them to their face. If you are wrong then well youve just screwed up a perfectly good relationship. Hiring a private detective I think would be just as bad as well as going way overboard.

[NIghtbringer]

I am sorry to hear this, Charly.

Guys what's the matter with you? What was the question of the author of the thread!! It was not about listening your judgments whether it is ok or not to look at smbd's msges or emails.!!! First of all if you'll not look at all you'll end up like that 12 years later guy.
A lot of guys write that he needs to earn his trust back? How do you expect that happen? Running like a clown in from of Charly and saying I have changed?
It's all BS.
If the person lied once and repeated it in the future, you better overcome yourself and separate. Give yourself some time and see where it goes.
I mostly agree with KawaiiKitty with his #12 and # 23 i am not gonna repeat what he said, but that makes a sense really.
The only thing ppl can do is suggest. Advicing here is not help at all. It's your life and you never know how it will turn out.
A good suggestion would be to take a step back in your relationship and take your time.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Dicks don't just jump out of pants and accidentally get hard and it be a "oopsie" moment,

I believe the correct phrase is "trouser malfunction"

On a more serious note, the betrayal of trust is one of the most difficult challenges that you can face inside a relationship. And because of that it takes superhuman efforts to overcome.

As others have said its pretty much human nature to do one of two things in this situation:

1. Lie about it if your the one cheating - on the basis of what he doesn't know wont hurt him (yeah right...) and you really don't want to loose him as a partner.

2. If your the one that was cheated on, you put everything under the microscope and question everything. This will drive you further apart, not to mention eventually drive you insane.

The fact is, as BA has so eloquently put it, you can talk trust and communicate till the cows come home, but inside it can be soul destroying for the hurt party and will ultimately lead to a breakdown of the relationship.

The question to ask yourself is do you want to continue to invest in a relationship that may ultimately be doomed. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but next week, next month or next year the whole topic will raise its head again.

Only you know, deep down, what the answer is.

Good Luck


ObW
X

[Bowyn Aerrow]

haha about the first sentence. Like you didn't know what I meant.

And the rest: thank you, but no thank you.
I said, no passwords, no hiding. The difference is, we don't feel the urge to check. Your partner can cheat on you without the cellphone evidence. He can has a * buddy at work.

Checking emails, cellphone, browser history or his pockets won't make you feel any safer, B.A.

Nick I am very surprised at you. After Blue, after my experience with my ex and after the stuff you have gone through recently, this unwavering show of trust is dangerous, perhaps even opening the door for more troubles for you.

And the other stuff we have touched on in private....

Honestly, there is enough that you have experienced first hand that should make you a bit more willing and able to break through this 'privacy' issue and expect a bit more sharing of information....

I guess you are not jaded enough, or haven't been betrayed enough times for you to take a more proactive stance on keeping yourself protected.

I also have to wonder if you extend this privacy thing to the kids. When they become teenagers are you not going to look in their drawers for drugs? Are you going to allow them to email and contact 'bad people' who can harm them?

[pellaz]

... A lot of guys write that he needs to earn his trust back? How do you expect that happen? Running like a clown in from of Charly and saying I have changed?
It's all BS.
If the person lied once and repeated it in the future, you better overcome yourself and separate. ...

gay or straight relationships are not perfect. Alcohol drug addictions, child abuse, low self respect suicide are issues once fixed need maintenance through out our lives and our partners. Cheating is another. Life is long and winding so chances are good you will trip over some bad. One of the great benefits of being married is you have someone out there to guide you in a loving relationship.

the first person who is the 99% angle step up here with me.

if someone who clearly loves me as him self, feels i made a bad turn and or going the wrong way, wants to read my email i say go ahead. Ill set it up and help them do it. There is NO privacy on this planet. Better your spouse read your email than your employer and or google.

[Nick9]

Nick I am very surprised at you. After Blue, after my experience with my ex and after the stuff you have gone through recently, this unwavering show of trust is dangerous, perhaps even opening the door for more troubles for you.

And the other stuff we have touched on in private....

Honestly, there is enough that you have experienced first hand that should make you a bit more willing and able to break through this 'privacy' issue and expect a bit more sharing of information....

I guess you are not jaded enough, or haven't been betrayed enough times for you to take a more proactive stance on keeping yourself protected.

I also have to wonder if you extend this privacy thing to the kids. When they become teenagers are you not going to look in their drawers for drugs? Are you going to allow them to email and contact 'bad people' who can harm them?

Hmm, without touching too private stuff... that's the problem, checking mails and going through drawers won't give you what you are looking for.
Can anybody forbid you to contact "bad people"? No. And the same goes with kids. You can control them for some time, and then you have to keep giving advice and trust them.

Sure, you can keep them away from a computer or a cellphone. But if they want, they will simply borrow a phone from their schoolmates, get an email account and do all their conversation from there.

The time changed and keeping an eye on kids is much more difficult than when we were kids.

You know that my partner spends several nights a week away from home because of his business. Any ideas how to "keep an eye" on him?

I have like ten different email accounts and I am a member of several boards, how would you want to keep and eye on me if I were your partner? I have the internet connection at the office and another phone on my desk. Why would I use my cellphone?

You need to decide who you can/want to trust. Yes, you can end up badly hurt. But checking your partner cellphone won't prevent that.

My colleague's husband simply takes her phone and in front of her starts to check messages and calls. That's an unbelievable way how to show her that he has the upper hand. I would never allow that. I share my life with my partner but I am not willing to give up my privacy and I am not willing to take away his.

Without being willing to trust, Bowyn, you can't never win. Sure, the process of deciding IF you can trust the particular person, needs to be there. But you can't spend your life doubting every word or action of your partner AND be happy.

Trust me (hmm :biggrin, I know how hard that is now. I wish it wasn't. I wish I didn't know.

[Dan1980]

I have been cheated on and it hurt so much. The cheaters think they can get away with it and that's wrong. Every relationship needs trust and all my relationships end bad because of untruths and trust issues.

[LateBloomer]

I think Nick and Bowyen are two of the smartest people on this board.

But I gotta hand it to Nick on this one.

He's right. And since I travel a lot for work every month I have come to also make a "leap of faith". There's nothing I can say or do to stop any "unfaithful activity".

And consequently my partner is in the same boat.

We could probably both cheat and get away with it--for a while...but that's the risk I guess. The key is finding someone with similar values--but of course there's no guarantee.

This monogamy thing is weird right?