I need a little advice.

[Counselor]

Thank you RainbowMum, that is very kind.

I did actually take the first step today, I took onboard all of the advice you guys gave me, and I emailed him, asking for answers, and telling him there is no going back, it's over, and we need to sort the finances.

So far, no reply.

I see you've decided to take control of the situation and end the relationship. Unfortunately, you had the control to begin with, evidenced by his attempts to contact you to talk. What I don't understand is why you needed others to tell you it was okay to end the relationship, when if that was what you wanted, you could have done it weeks ago.

In the same situation, I would have kicked the neighbor out and locked the door behind him and demanded the explanation then. All this time your fiancee has had time to work on what answer to give, how to talk to you and make it work, which you obviously don't want now. Reasons notwithstanding, he wanted to talk to you before, now he may not want to discuss it at all if there is no hope for reconciliation. I do applaud your resilience to his reputation as a charmer and your tactics for avoiding it, though.

[Englishman]

I see you've decided to take control of the situation and end the relationship. Unfortunately, you had the control to begin with, evidenced by his attempts to contact you to talk. What I don't understand is why you needed others to tell you it was okay to end the relationship, when if that was what you wanted, you could have done it weeks ago.

.

What makes you think I came here to ask permission?
I most certainly don't need permission from anybody to do anything.

I was asking advice, to see things from other perspectives, before I made the final choice.

So what if I had 'the control'? I don't understand the point you are trying to make?
Am I some how in the wrong here, is that what you are hinting at?

If you think the end was what I wanted, you very sadly mistaken.

[Englishman]

Okay, I had a reply yesterday.
Of course it was full of sorry's, and please forgive me like I expected, but what I didn't expect was the next bit.

He admits what he did, and said he did it because 'he felt like a change'.
Some of the things he said doesn't sound like him at all, and I am worried he may harm himself.
I love him, I really do, and I could never see him hurt, but I could never trust him again either.

He has offered to sign the house fully over to me, and move out, and share the business as usual.
He knows he ruined everything, and he knows how destroyed I am, and said me keeping the house is only fair.

But I'm not comfortable with that, it is OURS not MINE.

As much as he hurt me, I don't want to see him suffer financially, or any other way.

I also don't want to live there again, to many memories, plus that guy is next door.

I don't want to sell it either and profit from this.

[Nick9]

Hmm nobody wants the house?
I'll take it!

[Englishman]

I want it.. but I don't want to live in it

He also think's it is some kind of compensation to let me have it, plus the 6 years of mortgage remaining.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I think you are making a mistake.

Aside from this one time cheating thing, how does he generally treat you?

If the rest of the relationship works well, perhaps it may be worth the effort to try to reconcile and work through this cheating thing.

His wanting a change is typical of the human heart... We all suffer a little or a lot from the 'grass is greener' thing.

If he is generally good to you and your relationship isn't plagued by a lot of 'bad stuff' perhaps you should seriously reconsider where you are going.

I still suggest couple's counseling.

[Englishman]

Mr Aerrow, I'm so torn.
We both always told each other, we could forgive anything. EXCEPT cheating, that was the one thing that we agreed is a relationship breaker.

I hate cheats with a passion, I would be betraying myself, if I forgave him.
At the same time I will be throwing away the best thing I ever had in my life.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

See and its that 'best thing I ever had' thing that makes me wonder if you should cool your heels and not just up and leave right off and start divorcing.

Its also why I suggest couple's therapy - give you both a safe environment to express what is in your mind and hearts and hopefully, maybe work on this issue.


We (you) really haven't heard his side of the story. That whole 'I needed a little change' may have a lot of deeper psychological meaning to it, stuff he doesn't fully understand about himself.

there are many things that could be happening here, it could be just his age playing mind games on him, it could be the 'grass is greener in the pasture over', it could have been boredom - it could have been that the neighbor pressured and took advantage of something in your BF.

Before you make any actions that you can't undo, please find a couple's therapist and try to work on this.

If after a few sessions you are still in the 'I don't want to give a second chance' mood, then at the very least you can walk away knowing you tried to reconcile and tried to 'forgive'.

I worry a bit that if you don't try to reconcile and forgive that later down the road you will be playing the 'What if I had tried to.....?'

Are you betraying yourself? I don't think so.

The older we get the more compromises we make, because in most cases there is a wide gray area and when we are in some situations there is more to it than just a single issue.

[Englishman]

I just spoke to him on the phone, I wish I didn't now, I feel like my hearts my been ripped out.

He want's to see me tomorrow, I really don't know.

[partisan]

Wow, lot of replys, dont know what little i can add, from what ive read your very torn on this, yes your worried about living alone and his wellbeing but those shouldnt be reasons to go back. Love comes with a lot of other things too and sometime the scariest thing is the change, breaking away from your comftable circumstances, and the person youve spent so much time with, well... good luck whatever you decide