You fucking creep. You fucking piece of shit creepy McCreeperson. You disgust me you sick bastard. How dare you have feelings for a person and be sad that he's with someone else and now question whether you can handle him living in your house with that person. What do you think you are, a human? Oh wait....
I think people are being too harsh here. I saw no indication in your post (unless I missed something... I'm 25 but I only read at a 23 year old level) that you intend to break up him and his girlfriend. And even if you entertained the thought, so what? You didn't try to actually do it... yet. Thoughts aren't bad and no one should be made to feel ashamed for the feelings we have. Actions deserve consequences and admonishment, not thoughts. You clearly understand the negative implications of such actions and that's exactly why you posted here. You're also in a shitty dilemma if everything you say is true. I sensed no malicious intent in your post, only the unwillingness to live with someone you have feelings for while they love someone else coupled with the the unwillingness to deny him accommodation in his time of need.
That sucks. But I do agree with the advice above. You obviously cannot handle the situation it appears. It would be detrimental to your mental health and heart. I'm sure this guy will be fine, and for your sake and his, it seems it would be best for everyone if you cut ties.
I'm starting to think we should just post this clip under the GaySpeak banner on the homepage:
Bowyn Aerrow - I don't know where you got that I wanted to break them up or had a plan to. In fact, I clearly stated I don't want to break them up. Remember, I started this thread asking how to get over him, not how to get him. But I do appreciate your points, and you have given me a lot to think about.
To everyone, thank you so much for your time and help. I truly appreciate it. I came here looking for advice and a consensus, and I can't say I'm surprised about the consensus I got. Seeing it in black and white makes it so much easier for me to work through it. I re-read my initial post, and came to the realization that if another poster had written that, I would have told them to run from that situation. So thank you everyone for being so blunt and clear with me. I'm going to get some sleep, let all this sink in, and work on bettering myself and getting over him.
In my opinion you need to remove him from your life completely. Just the idea of you being his mentor when he was a child (a foster child at that), and now wanting to have a sexual relationship with him screams "WRONG" to me. The best thing you can do, in my view, is leave him and his girlfriend alone. It would be inappropriate for you to move them in with you, considering your feelings.
Of course, feelings are feelings, and you're not (that I can tell) a bad person. You just need to follow your brain and not what's in your pants (or your irrational thoughts :p) and move on with your life, and let him move on with his. Best of luck to you.
PaperMachete Wrote:If I tell him no, he will be homeless. I can tell him that only he can move in, but he will want to know why, and I would have to tell him it's because I can't bear to watch him and his girlfriend be a couple.
So, how do I get over him without taking him completely out of my life? Is that even possible? And what do I do about his request to move in at my place with his girlfriend?
First and Foremost It is not your responsibility or problem to take a person in because they are getting kicked out. Second off i would not allow a guy i like to move in with another guy or a girl he was with. Thirdly and most IMPORTANTLY do not get involved with a person who only wants a fling and you want more you will ALWAYS gets hurt and you will feel like shit.
Lastly move on and find someone without baggage that prevents you from really being together. I understand your feelings but you know his feelings just the same and you cannot make a person fall in love with you or make them feel the same way as you do. I know it make suck and finding a great person can take a while but it is better to find someone whom you can be happy with in the long term and that will be loyal to you. Bi sexual people can be tricky to deal with in the fact they sometimes want a relationship with one sex and to fool around with the other.
I agree and echo pretty much everything that has been said already.
Have you noticed that this guy didn't want or need you until he became homeless and now knowing how you feel about him he wants to move in with you and install his girlfriend. You've already indicated how you would feel watching them being a couple.
I think he's taking advantage of your good nature.
Why is this guy homeless? Surely when he left care things were put in place for him, all he had to do was pay the rent on time and abide by the tenancy agreement/contract. If this guy gets himself in to trouble or debt or has drink/drug issues, is violent to his partner or anything of that nature, he will behave like that in your home. He will behave like that towards you!
Will you still put a roof over his head if these problems occur? DO YOU TRUST HIM WITH A KEY TO YOUR HOME? What would he be doing when you're out at work providing for the three of you, who would would he be inviting in to your home and what would your home become?
Do you rent your property? If so have you checked the contract to see if you are allowed long-term guests or lodgers. Is there anything in that contract that he could breech and threaten you with eviction? Would he make YOU responsible for HIS actions?
I feel that you will do your conditions of low self-worth a much needed boost if you tell this guy that it wouldn't work and regretfully he must make his own arrangements. If you don't, I have a sneaking suspicion that he and his girlfriend will dominate your home and exploit your lack of assertiveness when it comes to this guy.
Have you given any thought to counselling for your lack of confidence?
If there was still the professional relationship between you and him I think things would be easier for you. You would be able to and have to fall back on the law and your ethics. Now he's out of care and there is no longer that professional relationship between you its more difficult.
You don't mention if you have ever had a relationship or even casual sex with an other gay man. If not, maybe your anxieties have prevented you and you're transferring your ideal image of a partner on to this straight and unavailable guy.
Sadly, some people who go through the care system become somewhat predatory, they naturally gravitate to people like you and take advantage. Allowing him to move in with you would help him and ONLY him, and I feel it wouldn't be long before you would regret it but how long before you insist he leaves and how many times would he talk you round?
You sound like a really great and caring guy but I really do feel it's a bad idea to let him move in with you.
As for those people who have poured scorn on the original poster, I can only tell you that in all the time I have been using this site I have never seen such disgusting examples of hatred to someone who has asked for our help and support.
Wade, you were particularly scathing and I feel that if you read your own words and reflect on them you may wish to apologise to the guy.
He has done nothing wrong and indeed knows the ethical limits that were in place when there was a professional relationship between him and the other guy.
Moreover, in attacking someone who seeks our support and advice you may very well drive him away, and anyone else reading before deciding to post for the first time on their own issues.
07-08-2013, 11:34 AM (Edited 07-08-2013, 11:41 AM by LONDONER.)
Vigilias Wrote:As for those people who have poured scorn on the original poster, I can only tell you that in all the time I have been using this site I have never seen such disgusting examples of hatred to someone who has asked for our help and support.
Explain please how my posts were scornful or hateful[. Remember the OP himsef wrote:
"To everyone, thank you so much for your time and help. I truly appreciate it. I came here looking for advice and a consensus, and I can't say I'm surprised about the consensus I got. Seeing it in black and white makes it so much easier for me to work through it. I re-read my initial post, and came to the realization that if another poster had written that, I would have told them to run from that situation. So thank you everyone for being so blunt and clear with me. I'm going to get some sleep, let all this sink in, and work on bettering myself and getting over him".
I actually had a somewhat similar situation with a former subordinate of mine back when I lived in Tennessee.
He and I had gotten a LOT closer while we were together in Afghanistan than was appropriate for a leader and a subordinate to be, and about a week after he had gotten out of the Army he had been kicked out by his roomate and needed a place to stay for a week until he was ready to move back home.
A BIG part of me wanted to offer for him to stay at my place, but with our past history I had to say no because I knew I would be doing it for selfish reasons, and not out of a desire to help him. I know I made the right decision and he's actually one of the people that shaped the way I relate to my subordinates now because of how close I got to him.
Anyone you have had authority over is a very dangerous, very slippery slope, simply because your relationship may come from that background instead of anything mutual.
My advice is try to help him find somewhere else to stay, but don't put yourself or him in that position, you're just asking for pain.
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