Tough to "read" this guy

[pellaz]

just because OP isn't the one cheating doesn't make him innocent in any way.

yes it does. Partners wives husbands are personally responsible for their own lives and the people around them.

[Rosie]

I feel that it is the responsibility of the people in the relationship to remain faithful. I have never understood why people get so angry with the other woman/man and not with their partners. In the scenarios that the OP is giving I am assuming that these men (by being on the chat service) have already chosen to step out on their girlfriends/wives, and if it was not with the OP it would be with someone else. Now, I feel entirely different about people who make a point of trying to "steal" other people's partners and destroy relationships.

[Slidezone303]

so , your own personal pleasure is much more important than the feelings of innocent wives / girlfriends who will inevitably be hurt by their other halves cheating on them with you ?

I do not think I mentioned "married" in my post. I just mentioned straight and bi guys. A lot of times these men don't mention "wives" before we meet. It is only after we meet that they bring it up or after the sex when they want it kept on the downlow. Kind of like the straight world. Does the "other woman/man" always know from the get-go that her partner is married? Many times they do mention girlfriends. But who knows the state of the relationship? None of my business and no sacred bond is being broken. Bottom line is these men put themselves into this venue. I didn't go out and seduce them. Maybe there are gays who like to seduce straight or married guys, but I am not one of those nor would I ever try to do that.

I appreciate your input and the discussion it has sparked. But no one to this point has addressed concerns of my original post and this disappoints me. Slider

[Slidezone303]

so , your own personal pleasure is much more important than the feelings of innocent wives / girlfriends who will inevitably be hurt by their other halves cheating on them with you ?

And would you have the same complaint had I picked up a guy in a gay bar and found out he had a partner after we had sex???? Would I be complicit???? How is this so different? As I said many times I do not know their status before the encounter. I guess we need to do complete background checks before we hook up.

[princealbertofb]

I do not think I mentioned "married" in my post. I just mentioned straight and bi guys. A lot of times these men don't mention "wives" before we meet. It is only after we meet that they bring it up or after the sex when they want it kept on the downlow. Kind of like the straight world. Does the "other woman/man" always know from the get-go that her partner is married? Many times they do mention girlfriends. But who knows the state of the relationship? None of my business and no sacred bond is being broken. Bottom line is these men put themselves into this venue. I didn't go out and seduce them. Maybe there are gays who like to seduce straight or married guys, but I am not one of those nor would I ever try to do that.

I appreciate your input and the discussion it has sparked. But no one to this point has addressed concerns of my original post and this disappoints me. Slider

What's the question you want us to address, precisely. You keep telling us that there's another question you need to write about. I didn't really get the original question, if there was one, although I did read the original post and the threads. What is it you need us to discuss or help with?

[pellaz]

As far as the hook up, the OP is a brave man. If I'm on that situation and it is not as expected I bail fast. I usually look for a dependable repeatable friend + situation. I am not a good judge of character but I can hide stuff sooo well and expect others to be doing the same.

Use a condom but you still are high risk for any type of junk infection out there.

[jimcrackcorn]

Just a bit of history and then on to the meat (!) I am a single gay male who is NOT currently looking for a "relationship". I hook-up though the local phone dating service and it has worked well for me the past few years. I am picky about who I am looking for and I have acquired the knack for weeding out potential hook-ups when we first chat over the phone. So I do not hook up often and I have never had a bad experience with this line. I had a most interesting experience yesterday, but it is filled with many talking points. I think I will just begin by addressing them one-by one in separate posts.

So the fellow leaves a message with his phone number in my box. I call and after a few seconds I begin to notice the conversation drops off after every other sentence. No flow at all. In the initial contact callers are sometimes shy so I am quick to pick up the ball and keep it rolling. Still I notice these conversational lags and uncomfortable pauses. ( I used to fill it up with small talk, but now I am inclined to just be quiet until one of us begins again, but it gets akward.) Based on this I was inclined to let this one go. However, his "age 34 and tight swimmer's build" (I am 65 and into younger men) encouraged me to follow through. I also thought it may be initial shyness on his part. I've run into it before especially with men new to the scene, or straight men looking to experiment. Once I am face-to-face and the ice is broken it tends to work out. I drove across town to his place. We sat down by his pool for a chat and the same thing happened. Long, sometimes uncomfortable pauses. So I was fairly reserved as also befits a guest in a stranger's home. My "read" on him was , in part, that he was very sad. In fact at one point I brought it up that he seemed sad. (I felt comfortable enough with him that I felt I could be candid) His reply was that he had sat too long in the sun. Yet he didn't seem put off that I was there. He asked me if I wanted to swim. I said "do you have a pair of trunks?" (being polite) He said we could swim naked. I said what about the neighbors (I was trying to get some humor in ) He said there were two old ladies next door. I says "Good! Its showtime!" Finally he cracked a smile. And I even pointed it out. The only time he smiled the whole time I was there.

We did make it to bed and those issues comprise another post. I like this guy and before I left I told him as much and that I hoped we might try it again. Most of my hook-ups are bi or straight guys with wives or girlfriends and I am OK with that. But I know better than to allow the heart to get involved with a bi or straight guy. (I sound like a hooker) But this particular guy is gay and I like him. He seems a tough nut to crack and I am not certain I want to pursue this. He left me with no clue as to whether he was interested in getting to know me, yet if there was no chemistry I would have thought he, would have called it off early on. It has happened before and I can handle it. The guy didn't seem so weak-willed that he would allow physical contact just to be polite, either. In fact our swim came after we had been to bed and we also sat together awhile before I left. Usually if I am staying too long my hook-up comes up with a polite way of asking me to leave. Not this one. I probably could have stayed a couple hours longer, but I had a sense when it was time to leave and said my goodbyes.

It didn't go very well in bed, but I am trying to see the whole picture here. Some of the 'bedroom' issues are personal to me. Or it may be the lack of chemistry. I'll address that in another post.

Thanks you for hanging in with my post and I appreciate your comments.

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It sounds like this young man may be the type who doesn't find it easy to "open up" to people they have just met. It may take several dates before he starts to trust you enough to talk about his personal feelings, especially feelings of sadness.

This reminds me of a time (I was 18) when I had been invited to dinner by a couple of older gentlemen. After dinner, they broached the subject of me being a hustler - and the conversation suddenly went mute. I didn't want my naivety exposed (I had no idea what a hustler was), so I kept quiet. The silence was deafening, but they soon found another topic and avoided asking me questions of a personal nature.

On the other hand, there are some people who just don't do "small talk",,,,, but will rant for hours on a particular subject that's near and dear to their heart.

It's always interesting to find the right button to push - that will open a conversation with a person who has a quiet nature.

[Hikari]

I do not think I mentioned "married" in my post. I just mentioned straight and bi guys.

You say before that you " hook up " with guys who have " wives or girlfriends "
So it is OK that Megumi said that to you . You should maybe be more careful . . .
I think its bad that you had sex with someone who is in a relationship, but maybe its fine if you didn't know. I think everyone should ask anyway though.

[Slidezone303]

What is it you need us to discuss or help with?

Sorry I wasn't clearer in the original post.

Well it is about the fact that there was no flow in the communication on the phone and when we met. I didn't know if it was just that he was basically shy or that he was hiding something or there was just no chemistry. If it was a chemistry thing we would not have made it to bed, it seems. And there was very little in the way of visual/verbal cues that might have given me more to go on. Maybe he didn't want hurt feelings if he asked me to leave or maybe he liked me and was more interested in friendship. A lot of unspoken stuff that left me mystified and it felt like I shouldn't be forward with lots of questions so soon after our meeting.

The rest of it has to do with my own problems centered around impotence, but I wanted to get through this issue before I bring in the other stuff. And I have been thinking the other issues might better be addressed in the health forum. I am new to this site and still feeling my way. Thanx for bearing with.

Slider.

[Slidezone303]

I thank everyone for their replies. I was surprised, but not unhappy with the direction the thread has taken. I would like to reassure concerns about the dangers of hooking up in the fashion that I do. I always have safe sex and like I said originally I am pretty thorough at screening calls. For example I usually don't hook up with someone who uses a lot of the vernacular sex terms in their message (ex: looking for someone to suck off all night slam my hole all day..that sort of thing) or seems like they just want quickies. I also am pretty particular about age and body type, drug use and alcohol consumption. The result is I don't hook up as often as one might think, but when I do I have a nice time. And if there is no chemistry or they have misrepresented themselves in some way, I tell them up front. A lot goes to tone of voice and the feel I get when I first talk to them on the phone.

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