Tough times

[Bluelight]

Hi everyone. I know this is long, and I feel bad that I’m introducing myself on a less-than-positive note, but I really need someone to understand what I’m going through, so if you have the time please read, I would appreciate it very much. I’ll start by saying that I’m a 20-year-old gay male, and lately I’ve been feeling kind of depressed for a few reasons. For one, I’ve always been single, and I’m surrounded by people who have or have had someone special in their life, and nearly all these people are younger than me, even the gay ones.

So, I feel pretty lonely. All the wrong types of guys like me, and all the guys I like are either A. straight, B. taken or C. not interested for whatever reason. People tell me I’m being picky, but I really don’t feel that I should have to settle for someone who I’m not attracted to or who has nothing in common with me. Besides, I can tell you that my straight friends are far more selective than I am. They probably wouldn’t even think of settling for someone they’re not interested in, so why should I? It’s even worse when people try to hook me up out of nowhere; in cases like that, there’s always a reason why their friend can’t find anyone, at least from my experience, and it just makes me feel insulted. Also, most of my female friends act like I have no right to be attracted to someone who they like, so I can’t even talk about guys I like to anyone… all this just really makes me feel awful, almost like I’m not really worthy of being loved or having someone special in my life. But enough is enough already, I’ve wasted a lot of time waiting, why should I have to wait any longer?
Another thing that gets me down is that I’m a late bloomer, basic life just takes its time coming my way. I had no life in high school, I didn’t really figure out my sexuality until I was 16-18, I came out at 19, and now I’m 20, lonely, and still single. So, I’m wondering, what gives? Is it the way I look? I can sometimes look a little stand-offish and cold at first glance, which is a trait that I developed as a result of being picked on throughout high school, but I am reasonably attractive. Actually, I’m one of those people who might look like an 8/10 from one angle on a good day, but maybe a 6/10 from another angle… it shames me to admit it, but I’ve become really obsessed with my looks in this past year or so, and my self-esteem has dropped pretty low. I really just don’t feel good about myself anymore; I thought that coming out would make everything better, but it hasn’t. It’s opened up a whole new world of superficiality to me, all other gay guys I’ve met either just want sex or are really desperate or weird, and I’m judged by everyone when I don’t want to settle for someone who I don’t feel right with. Not to mention I recently slept with a guy who has a boyfriend, and now all his friends hate me. He’s the one who cheated, but somehow I’m the bad guy. Another time, my friend tried really persistently to hook me up with another gay guy because “oooohh! Gay guys so cute!” (she’s one of those). Now that guy and his boyfriend hate my guts.

As you can see, most of the enemies I have are my own kind. They are the people who I was hoping to get support from, but they’re all so catty, and it’s depressing as hell. I always have my straight friends to talk to, but I can tell they really don’t know how to respond to things like this, because they don’t understand. I just feel so overwhelmed, frustrated and alone, this is by far one of the worst times of my life. Meanwhile, my other friends tell me how lucky I am that I’ve never had my heart broken, but they fail to take into account what it’s like to feel unwanted by everyone who I’m attracted to. I see younger gay guys hanging out in groups of their friends, they seem so happy. I want more than anything to be one of them, to have companionship like that, but I can’t just approach them out of nowhere… I just don’t really seem to get many chances to approach people without it being weird. I tried looking for groups and putting myself out there, but we don’t really have many things that I’m interested in doing, and we don’t have a GSA or anything like that, except for one queer group but it’s aimed more at women. I feel awkward and judged a lot of the time, my friends tell me that I’m a beautiful person and that I’m really funny, but it’s hard to tell if they’re being sincere. I really have to stop now, I could go on forever. Basically, I feel like a mess, and I’m really struggling with every aspect of my situation. Any feedback would be appreciated.

By the way, happy new year everyone.

-Bluelight

[Eth21]

First of all welcome to GS
Reading your story I can also relate the last of my friends has just entered a relationship leaving me the last single one except I'm not out so that's not going to change any time soon... And there isn't many gay ppl that are out in my area which doesn't help ether but those that are bitchy, two faced and generally not nice people or are taken. So although I'm not great at advice I kinda know how you feel. Also GS is great for advice and support so stick around!!

[MisterTinkles]

Hello!

First off, you need NEW friends. These people you described are NOT your friends, they are weights around you neck, trying to drown you in their stupidity and shallowness.

Secondly, you NEVER, NEVER, NEVER SETTLE for anyone!!! YOU pick who YOU want to date. And if that makes you "picky", then so be it. I have NEVER settled in my life, and I am not about to start now. Why? Because that would make me a loser, like those who preach to me that I need to stop being picky and settle. REAL friends would never let you settle, because they know just settling for someone will make you miserable. More miserable than being single.

Dont get caught up in the Plastic Game. Fake and phony people who are ONLY interested in looks, material possessions, and sex. They are never happy.

You also need to work on YOU. You have to learn how to live with you, be your own friend, and be happy with yourself. Otherwise you have nothing to give another person, except your "baggage". And who wants that? You've got to be happy with yourself, before you can make someone else truly happy.

Again, get RID of these "friends"........you do NOT need those kinds of people around you.

Join a book club, or some other kind of club.
Volunteer at the shelters, hospitals, nursing homes, animal shelters.
Find some LGBT organizations that have social groups that go bowling or something.

Get out there and meet new people. Get some new friends....find some REAL friends.
Then you will start feeling better about yourself.

[Axanderb]

Hi there bluelight.

I know EXACTLY where you are in life, and i feel what you feel almost every day.

*some back story*

4 months ago i came out of a year and a half relationship...and in doing so i lost my best friend, and a few good friends who were His friends first...so i feel pretty alone as well.

I have some female friends who are my go to girls but they don't really get it. They don't understand the struggle of trying to date in a pool of less than 10 percent of the local population...where as they could walk into the grocery store and find a potential partner. They don't understand how hard it is to make friends in that same population pool either.

I've taken it upon myself to seek out a few things for my own life.

1.) Therapy: I think having someone who can help you sort out your feelings, your thoughts, and give you some basic explanations as to why people around you are behaving the way they are. ultimately giving you the conclusion that it isn't your fault that other people are dick bags and that you need to take your situation into your own hands, is kind of important. It sounds a little petty put into writing but it really does help.

2.) Start going out alone: I know this sounds stupid and boring or w/e. But i've started going out alone and i've been having a blast. I just go, Dance, talk to the drag queens, have a drink or 2 and just enjoy myself. I'm not involved with any of the clicks but i've started to bud a few friendships that i feel could turn into something great. Moral of this story is to put yourself out there, and put your neck on the line. Just if you do go alone be careful and be aware of your surroundings...DON"T DRINK AND DRIVE!!!

3.) Peace of mind: Realize that your 20s are probably the most awkward period of your life...simply because you're transitioning from being a child into an adult, you're taking on a LOT of responsibility, and might possibly be moving away from your parents. Everyone at this age has a lot on their plate, they are emotionally broken, scared of being hurt, and in turn hurt everyone around them. It's a shitty vicious cycle but it won't last.



You WILL find people who will appreciate you for you, and you will find someone who will love and appreciate you.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Hey Bluelight, to the forum.

I love Rochester

I lived there about 10 years ago (Im an ex Frontier man ) Is it still Frontier Field LoL?

As Mr. T said, time to find some new friends, not always easy, but not impossible either. You just have to make the effort to look in new places.

Late bloomer at 16? I came out at 40, now THATS late!

There are plenty of younger forum members who can probably relate to how you are feeling right now. I'm sure they will all be along to offer some advice. Your in the right place!



ObW
X

[southbiochem]

Welcome to GS

Now, sir....you are 20...way too young to be in despair already...

I, however, understand very much what you feel..

the first thing to do is get over incipient issues with image...make a list of things positive about you, and then remember them

people whi are not just looking for sex will be wanting something more than looks sooner or later, so focus on your positive traits other than looks, as being a (let's average it) a 7/10 is pretty good already

second...find another set of friends....if you are not one of those beings that dreads meeting new people (like me, for example) you can find it easy at your age to go out and gradually meet more people.

in bewteen all the horrid things out there, more likely than not, you will find good friends and a guy that suits your requirements

this, obviously, takes work and patience...and what you must avoid at all cost is getting bitter about things and letting the crappy results in a few experiments keep you from repeating them until you succeed..

you have time enough for both

[Bluelight]

Thanks everyone, I appreciate your words of encouragement. I understand that it's important to not be so focused on my appearance; I used to not care nearly as much, but that was when I was still happy with myself. I used to feel like I had a lot to offer to any potential partner, but now I feel like I lost a lot of it because of things that have happened this past year... I just feel so "shot-down" if you know what I mean, and I've been having trouble getting myself back to what I used to be. Not to mention I do try to do new things, but it's hard to do because I'm too young to go out in this damn country. The only place that I know is 18+ has bouncers that are constantly up your ass making sure you're not sneaking a drink, it just makes me feel so disrespected that I have to be policed like that. It's too late for me to get a fake in any case, I'm basically stuck in purgatory, forced to wait it out and play by the rules, story of my life.

[BobInTampa]

Ok, time for some TOUGH LOVE here buddy!

Guess what? It's a big bad world out there and it's full of shallow, weak, cruel people - YOU can choose to let them impact you OR you can choose to look them in the eye and say, FUCK OFF DUDE!

Next, if you expect your "mr wonderful" to ride up on a white horse and sweep you away - you're living in a dream world. Finding a guy you're attracted to on every level takes alot of work. YOu're going to kiss alot of frogs, but THAT, my friend, IS DATING!

Now, everyone is right, you should NOT settle for just anyone. But, you also have to be realistic. You can't have a 50-item checklist that, if he dosn't hit all marks, you kick him to the curb. If you have a list (and yes, we all have one when it comes to guys), you need to have them prioritized. For me, when i was single and dating, i put in my profile my MUST HAVES. They were: masculine, in-shape, sexually versitle, financially self-sufficient, and a NON-DRUG user. Were there other things on my "would be nice list"? Yep, but my short list was the MINIMUMS and i think if you pair your list down, then that would be a good start.

Ok, one more thing - IT'S NOT A BAD THING TO BE FOCUSED ON YOUR APPEARANCE! Look, your body, hair, clothes are an outward extension of who YOU ARE! So, if you're a business guy and you like to wear Khaki's and a dress shirt - go for it. Also, being physically fit is ALWAYS a good thing. Having a hot body - if you're doing it because you like to be inshape and you feel better - GO FOR IT! Yea, all the shallow guys will faun over you, but hey, nothing wrong with that. The LAST THING YOU WANT TO DO IS LET YOUR "BLUES" REFLECT IN YOUR OUTWARD APPEARANCE OR ATTITUDE!

Look, you're a good man. You have a career path and have a good heart. FOCUS ON THAT.

I know it can be a challenge, but, you can't walk into a bar and only focus on all the "happy couples" and get down on why YOU don't have one. If you act like a wall-flower, you'll be treated like one. If you sit in the corner of a bar and don't engage others in coversation - but expect otheres to approach you - again, you're living a pipe-dream.

I'll leave you with my life's motto: IF IT IS TO BE, ITS UP TO ME! I don't let others define who i am, who i love , what i can achieve or how i live my life.

YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN - don't let LIFE happen to you!

SMILE. LAUGH. ENGAGE - it will help you shine in a room and others' will WANT to be around you.

THINK ABOUT IT!

[Bluelight]

Ok, time for some TOUGH LOVE here buddy!

Guess what? It's a big bad world out there and it's full of shallow, weak, cruel people - YOU can choose to let them impact you OR you can choose to look them in the eye and say, FUCK OFF DUDE!

Next, if you expect your "mr wonderful" to ride up on a white horse and sweep you away - you're living in a dream world. Finding a guy you're attracted to on every level takes alot of work. YOu're going to kiss alot of frogs, but THAT, my friend, IS DATING!

Now, everyone is right, you should NOT settle for just anyone. But, you also have to be realistic. You can't have a 50-item checklist that, if he dosn't hit all marks, you kick him to the curb. If you have a list (and yes, we all have one when it comes to guys), you need to have them prioritized. For me, when i was single and dating, i put in my profile my MUST HAVES. They were: masculine, in-shape, sexually versitle, financially self-sufficient, and a NON-DRUG user. Were there other things on my "would be nice list"? Yep, but my short list was the MINIMUMS and i think if you pair your list down, then that would be a good start.

Ok, one more thing - IT'S NOT A BAD THING TO BE FOCUSED ON YOUR APPEARANCE! Look, your body, hair, clothes are an outward extension of who YOU ARE! So, if you're a business guy and you like to wear Khaki's and a dress shirt - go for it. Also, being physically fit is ALWAYS a good thing. Having a hot body - if you're doing it because you like to be inshape and you feel better - GO FOR IT! Yea, all the shallow guys will faun over you, but hey, nothing wrong with that. The LAST THING YOU WANT TO DO IS LET YOUR "BLUES" REFLECT IN YOUR OUTWARD APPEARANCE OR ATTITUDE!

Look, you're a good man. You have a career path and have a good heart. FOCUS ON THAT.

I know it can be a challenge, but, you can't walk into a bar and only focus on all the "happy couples" and get down on why YOU don't have one. If you act like a wall-flower, you'll be treated like one. If you sit in the corner of a bar and don't engage others in coversation - but expect otheres to approach you - again, you're living a pipe-dream.

I'll leave you with my life's motto: IF IT IS TO BE, ITS UP TO ME! I don't let others define who i am, who i love , what i can achieve or how i live my life.

YOU MAKE IT HAPPEN - don't let LIFE happen to you!

SMILE. LAUGH. ENGAGE - it will help you shine in a room and others' will WANT to be around you.

THINK ABOUT IT!

Well, you're not the first person to let me in on this, but a reminder doesn't hurt. I'm having a better day today, feeling more like my brighter side again.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

It wasn't until I was 24 that I fell in love and got into my first relationship.

I can name off other members here who are in the middle 20's who have never been in love. My point here is that you are way hella young and have the potential for a very long life with lots of time to shop around and meet and eventually be shattered by your Number One.

Friends. I strongly suggest you look up the definition of Friend and the Definition of Acquaintance.

I had no school life, I had no friends in school, I was a late bloomer.... Ok that is what you were (past tense) what are you now (present tense)?

Not to mention I recently slept with a guy who has a boyfriend, and now all his friends hate me.

And did you honestly expect that to end well?

it shames me to admit it, but I’ve become really obsessed with my looks in this past year or so, and my self-esteem has dropped pretty low. I really just don’t feel good about myself anymore; I thought that coming out would make everything better, but it hasn’t.

It appears you are learning lessons and you have made a few mistakes. To err is to be human...

I think you are identifying what not to do. It is up to you to decide what you will do with that information and how to apply what you learned in future.

Look, no man is going to fix you. If you are looking for a man (relationship/partner) to make you feel better it ain't gonna happen.

I think that right now the last thing you need is to get involved with someone when you have all of these other things in play.

You need to make some choices in who you are as an individual, and stop turning to everyone outside of you to decide your worth as a human being.

Again, you have identified issues here, and you know that X,Y, and Z ain't working. Now you need to turn to solution finding, I strongly suggest you start on self first - not your buddies/friends - on yourself and work on YOU.

Until you are content in your own skin, no realtionship you get into is going to end well. If you can't be comfortable with the man in the mirror, no one else is going to be comfortable with him.

It never matters what your 'friends' think of you. What matters is what you think of yourself. Any BF you get is not going to be dating your 'friends' he is going to be dating you.

Quantity of relationships means crap. It is the quality of those relationships that matter. So yeah, it takes you a decade to find 'The One' - if it is with that one special guy who really rocks your world and ends up being a solid, quality relationship it is well worth the wait.

I know it doesn't feel that way, but I assure you from way up here in the high 40's and looking back at a long two decades of miserable mistakes and expectations and myths about what relationships are about finding the 'right man' is worth every effort and a long ass wait.