Whats wrong with me???

[JerseyBoy423]

I seem to have the WORST luck with relationships and liking guys. I cannot seem to catch a break. My first boyfriend was in high school. He was way far in the closet and I was coming out. He was great when it was just us but in school he acted like a total dick to me and pretended he didn't even know me. Didn't want to even associate with me in front of people because he was afraid of what others thought. I made the decision to cut things off with him. Then when I went to college I was completely out. I met my next boyfriend. Things were so great we dated for about a year and then one day he just dropped off the face of the earth. Ignored me completely. Didn't answer my phone calls or texts. Nothing happened we didn't get into a fight or anything so i was baffled. It was so out of the blue. A few weeks later i found out he was dating someone else and left me for the other guy. Broke my heart. I confronted him about it and he didn't respond so I nagged and nagged him finally he responded and I just asked for the truth. He couldn't face me so he took the easy way out and said "He didn't like me anymore...I was ugly and he lost attraction and feelings for me" hurt me even more. Months later I met a new guy. We seemed to hit it off well (so I thought). He seemed like a great guy. He would come over to my dorm and sleep over and we would cuddle. I genuinely thought he liked me. Then I come to learn he was only sleeping over my dorm to make one of our mutual friends jealous because he was head over heels in love with this other guy. OK bye. THat hurt too but I walked away and felt so used. I think after that I felt so lonely and lost. My best friend was always there for me and would always try to make me feel better. For some reason I started to develop feelings for him. We had been best friends for years but the feelings came out of nowhere. We began to hook up. As time went on I realized my feelings for my best friend were FULL blown. I started to realize my best friend didn't have feelings back for me. I decided to tell my best friend I liked him. Wrong idea. He was definitely understanding but told me he didn't feel the same. It hurt the most I think. Even more so then being cheated on. After a year of liking him I realized I was in love with him and he couldn't return the feelings. I didn't know what to do. I decided to not talk to him for a few months. It was tough getting over him, but I realized our friendship was more important to me then any feelings. I decided to take 3 years off and not date anyone. I needed to find myself and be more comfortable with myself. After 3 years I hopped back into the dating pool. I felt confident enough. Joined dating websites but went on some pretty horrible dates I have to say. I felt hopeless. Then one day I came across this one profile. I realized the guy was from my town and I decided message him. We talked online for a few weeks. It was weird we found out we lived VERY close to each other and never knew it. We decided to make plans one night but a few days before he disappeared. He wasn't responding to my texts and I assumed he lost interest. I was a little upset but since i never met him yet i didn't let it get to me too much. A week later he texted me and apologized. He said he was in the hospital for the past week. I felt horrible and said if you still want to hang out when you're better let me know. Shortly after we met and we hit it off GREAT. We had such amazing natural chemistry. The first night we met we went out to dinner and too the movies. He wound up loosing his keys in the movie theater and didn't realize it until we got all the way home. I told him I would take him back and help him find them. He was SOOO greatful for that. We continued to hang out pretty frequently after that. I noticed he was moving pretty fast with me but I didn't mind because I really felt the connection between us. A month later he explained to me why he was in the hospital. He was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder and was in the hospital after a manic episode. It was all new to him so he was adjusting to life and said he liked me a lot but wanted to take things slow. I said SURE no problem I'm not there to judge him and I'd love to help him with things. I told him I'm there for him and if he ever needs space just tell me. There is no rush! I was very patient with him but it seemed like he was still rushing. The next few weeks he introduced me to his entire family. Parents, aunts, uncles ,cousins, grandparents ,etc. I really enjoyed this because I never dated anyone who brought me around to there family. It made me feel really good. His family instantly loved me and his mom even said I was perfect for him. I felt like things were going fast but he was the one in control. We never had an official title but we acted like boyfriends in every way possible. I was invited to family parties, I slept over his house frequently, we went out on dates together, etc. A few weeks later he became distant for a few days. Ignored my texts and Didn't want anything to do with me. I called him and asked to have a talk with him. I told him I have anxiety about being ignore from my ex and I asked him nicely if he could please not ignore me because it really hurts. I also said if you need space just tell me and I'll give you space. He apologized and said he was sorry and he shouldn't have done that. I then decided to ask if we should give ourselves an official title. When I said that he didn't know what to say but said he thinks we should just be friends. FRIENDS? after a few months of dating and getting close and me starting to like him he wants to be just friends? He said he wasn't ready for a relationship and he needs to focus on himself. I told him he can focus on himself and let me help him but he just said he wasn't ready for a relationship. He said he likes me a lot and thinks I'm a really great guy but can't commit right now. I was upset and told him I needed time to think. I didn't talk to him for about a week. I was pretty hurt. I couldn't accept being just friends. THen about a week later he liked one of my instagram pictures of me and him cuddling in his bed and me kissing his cheek. I got upset but took it as a sign he missed me. I decided to make the first move. WE decided to hang out. We went to a party, got drunk, and hooked up. Later that night I told him I missed him and missed the way things were. He said he missed me too. I told him I did a lot of thinking and I told him if hes not ready for a serious relationship thats fine. I asked if he wanted to go back to taking things slow and just date for now. He agreed and things were really good. For his birthday I surprised him with a dozen cupcakes from an expensive cupcake place in the area and I took him out to dinner. He really appreciated it and things were going well. A month went by and things were good but I started to see things were very one sided. I started to feel like I was always there for him but whenever he needed me but he was never there for me when I needed him. I always put him first and would run to his rescue whenever he needed it. I realized I was putting in all the effort and he was not making much of an effort. He went through another phase of ignoring me again and I asked him NOT to do that. He wouldn't respond to my texts. I had no idea where he was half the time. HE apologized and said he wouldn't do it again. but it happened two more times. I told him I have anxiety over that and I said If you need space just tell me and I'll give you space but please don't ignore me. He apologized and said he wouldn't do it again and I said its disrespectful to me after I do a lot for you. If you keep doing that I might have to walk away. He said he was not going to do that anymore. I went out of my way for him numerous times and I started to realize he was taking advantage of me. It kind of got to me epecially since I kept putting his needs before mine (Stupid I know) but I really cared about him and he was very special to me. Then one night we were at a party and he was on his phone and I came up next to him and caught a quick glimpse of what seemed to be like POF the dating site. He quickly closed the page and I didn't make a big deal about it because I wasn't sure what i saw. The next day it kind of bothered me so i signed onto my POF site that I haven't used in months and sure enough under the Online Now was him. It really got me upset. I didn't know what to do. But I texted him and said "Hey I think we need to talk....I just saw you on POF and it kind of made me a little uneasy. I'm not mad but I do want to talk about it" No response that night. THe next day I noticed he signed in 3 more times during the day. I messaged him again and said "I really want to talk later...when you get a chance just let me know when you're free to talk"...all day goes by, no response. I called him that night, no answer. 2 hours later I was MAD so I texted him something like "I'm really disappointed you can't come and face me like a man" THat got his attention and he responded making some excuse that he was swimming in the pool. I then cut right to the chase and said I saw him on POF and I needed to know if he was talking or meeting any guys. He promised up and down he wasn't that he just re-activated it. He then made a comment "At least you have friends on your profile that you talk too...i dont have that...so why is that a problem" I said well we have been exclusively dating for the past 4 months. I kind of see a little bit of a problem with you on a DATING website. And I'm more mad that you chose to ignore me for 24 hours after we just talked about how I don't like that. THat really hurts. and then i brought up how I'm putting in all the effort and he hasn't done much and he needs to show me something. I told him I think I need to walk away from this. This isn't going to work if you're not going to be honest with me or put any effort in or show me respect. You've changed very fast in the past month and I don't notice what I see. He apologized and told me I'm a really great guy and he doesn't deserve someone like me. He thinks I deserve someone better and he also said he doesn't know whats wrong with me but hes going through a lot and doesn't think he can date or be in a relationship right now. He said he can't give me what I deserve and what I want. He doesn't want to loose me in his life and wants us to remain friends. I told him he hurt me and as much as I want him in my life I need time to think things over and see if I can be friends with him. He said sure take all the time you need. and The last thing he said to me was "Talk to you soon!" Everyday since then I've seen him on POF. ANd it makes absolutely NO sense to me that he can't date me or make a commitment to me but can go on POF and talk to other guys? It honestly hurt. and It made me mad especially after our amicable parting. His mom called me and said she thinks he's an idiot and I'm one of the best guys hes ever dated. But she did say hes all over the place and has to get his life together and if its meant to be it'll be in the future. Its been almost a week since the part. I miss him like crazy. I KNOW that sounds crazy that I miss him but I miss the good times we had and when he was acting like more of himself. This other side of him scares me and I don't recognize it. And I still see him on POF everyday. Is it me? Did I do something wrong? Why do all my relationships end in disasters? I just want to find a good guy who is not going to hurt me. I miss him and don't know what to do. BUt I also know I shouldn't go back....UGH this is so hard......Need advice...Sorry for the novel....

[imitxu]

I'm sorry that you have to go through too many relationship dramas.
If there is any comfort, I'll say that you at least experienced love. I, in contrast, have no one to love. I can't find even one gay guy to date, let alone build a relationship with. I don't give up hope though. I believe that everything happens for a reason. You seem to be a good man. I'm sure you will find someone who deserves you.

[Jake]

Dude trust me I understand you're plead perfectly... but honestly your last guy does have big to deal with... being bipolar is one heck of a social destructive disease. I don't believe there's something wrong with you per say since you don't seems to have a problem with who you are. I'm just like you a very open guys as for relationship and funny enough it scares the shit of others. You scare them not that you do anything wrong really it's just them that are not ready and perhaps you that want to much to have a boyfriend... but hey I can relate I went through that myself and that first story with the teenage crush I had few of them similar as well... but it's not because I was ugly... it's just that teens doesn't know what the F they want and I happened to be in advance of my time back then and so were you.

[Sylph]

Gurl, Trynna go all balls deep with this long...loooooong essay :o

Like serz, no spaces...no breaks, my Boi Puss nearly fell asleep, I was so trynna keep it together...

But as for advice, I would say simply, take what lessons life throws your way for the betterment of you as a person and live your life the way that makes you happy, because you only have one life and dwelling on what was will not make what will be better.

I'm sorry you had to go through so much Sis, but it's time to pick up your tits, strap them puppies in and ride the rollercoaster that is life and enjoy the good and bad, ups and downs, for what they're worth.

Hope all goes well for you on the future missus.

Also, make sure next time to space dem bitches out, cause gurl, you nearly had me foaming Sis, woulda been like "what's wrong with Odi?" Meanwhile I'm sitting here twitching and foaming at the mouth, tablet long since fell from my hands... so ya

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Maybe you are too desperate for a relationship you accept any guy that comes along?

I know with myself I got into abusive relationships rather easily. I would learn that this common for people who are survivors of abuse, they pretty much fall for certain types of personalities that are linked to abusers - worse to that abused people tend to have personalities that signal to abusers 'Oh look another victim'.

Perhaps your 'string of bad luck' is something similar, your attracted to X,Y,Z in a guy that leads to ____________ (fill in the blank). Perhaps your own personality signals that you can be victimized in this manner?

Look, I have had 6 relationship and all of them ended - and to be honest they ended in disaster. I think there is no such thing as love ever after, its more 'love until something else better comes along'.

I can't think of any one couple I know that met and have been together for life. And in the gay world serial relationships appear to be the norm. So it may not be you, but just a condition of testosterone and sex drives....?

Or maybe its just the human condition.