what should I do in this situation?

[SolemnBoy]

Hi! First of all im on my phone and wont really be bothered by adhering to basic grammatical rules... sorry about that.

When i was in primary school there was this guy; classical jock kind of guy who treated me pretty poorly although never bullied me. Nonetheless all our contact ceased after graduation like i wanted it to. We're very different people. He's a semi-racist, homophobic jock whereas im an ultraliberal guy.

A few weeks ago he invited me to his 18th birthday party after years of no communication. I probably won't go. Now, just a few minutes ago he wrote to me asking if i'd like to have a few beers and chill by the pool, at MY place! Who does that?

Anyways i want to say no but i just cant stand the idea of neglecting someone for any other reason than him being mean to me. And he's not. Not anymore. How do i deal with this? I'm so pathetic not being able to just respectfully rejecting him but i just can't im feeling horrible right now even if its not a big deal and any advice will be helpful! Sorry for making a thread about my shitty little problem.

[TKC]

Hey boss, follow your heart and don't feel bad about setting appropriate boundaries.

If nothing else, before you agreed to anything I'd at least drum up some more information on his motives. They're probably not bad, but if they're not the best - either - then it's probably not worth your time. Maybe just ask him "Hey, we didn't get on so well in school, so what's with the change of heart?"

Even if he's trying to make amends, I'd say tread lightly with his birthday because chances are he'll have other friends there that treated you poorly in school too.

BUT, if he's trying to clean things up, a beer by your pool could be a healing experience for you.

More than anything, if it doesn't feel right to spend any time with him don't, and don't feel bad about it. Luckily, we're allowed to choose who we give our time to, and at this point in your life you have the ability to choose only uplifting people and those who further your goals in life. If he doesn't do that, it's not a bad thing

[Edward]

Probably you should start by asking yourself - why do you want to reject him? People change, maybe he's changed as well and is sorry for treating you poorly in school and trying to make friends with you.

You say that he was homophobic, but homophobes are 9 times out of 10 gay themselves. Maybe now he's ok with his sexuality and if he knows you're gay, he might be trying to get your attention.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Assuming just natural human relationships, perhaps he feel sorry for his previous treatment, maybe he just discovered you are one of the good guys and is trying to make amends in his own way.

A number of years ago one of my school bullies looked me up and apologized straight out for treating me the way he did. I believe he felt actual remorse for his previous actions and wanted to make amends.

Some people actually do change their ways.

Are you 'obviously' or 'openly' gay? Meaning he knows that you are?

If so his previous treatment may have been shades of jealousy, and now he is out of school and becoming an adult and/or may actually have a bit of the rainbow inside and wants/needs a rainbow friend (LGBT) to help him find his way out of his own closet.

You strike me as one of the good guys on this planet. I would advise that you cautiously accept his olive branch and accept his attempt to make amends.

Wanting a beer at your place is not something I would suggest you do, first meeting should be a bit more public - public and private at the same time - IDK, on the street? At a street cafe that isn't too over loaded with people.

See what he has to say.

Never know, his apology or attempt to make amends may make you feel better about the past in some small way.

You are not a bad person for not being able to out and out reject a person regardless of their past behaviors. It is a character strength you possess. Yes it feels like crap and you may think it makes you weaker, but it does make you a better person.

[SolemnBoy]

Okay thanks everyone who replied! Once again i apologize for the poor grammar i'll be subjecting you too.

1. He's not trying to make amends because he doesnt believe hes done something wrong. The things he said or did to me in the hallways or the locker room were just jokes as far as hes concerned.

2. I doubt hes aware of my sexuality but its not impossible.

3. A cafe is not his thing. At all. Its hard to explain what kind of person he is.

I dont want anything to do with this guy but i dont want to be mean or hurt his feelings. If i were to decline, how do i even do that in a respectful way? Thanks so much everyone and once again sorry.

[TKC]

I think honesty is the kindest thing we can offer someone. That said being honest and graceful is a gift, one that I often lack.

I'd say something to the effect of "I appreciate you reaching out, but I didn't have a good experience of you in school and I'm neither looking to perpetuate that nor to change it. I wish you well on your path, but I also don't wish to be a part of it."

Whatever you do, just please don't make yourself uncomfortable to ensure the comfort of someone you don't care about. It often only leads to further resentment.

[LateBloomer]

There are two kinds of people in the world.

Givers and takers.

What has he given you? What has he taken?

Does he DESERVE your time and GOODWILL?

Strictly my opinion, but you should spend your time with people who VALUE it--and YOU.

Life is too short for mixed signals from assholes...

[SolemnBoy]

I think honesty is the kindest thing we can offer someone. That said being honest and graceful is a gift, one that I often lack.

I'd say something to the effect of "I appreciate you reaching out, but I didn't have a good experience of you in school and I'm neither looking to perpetuate that nor to change it. I wish you well on your path, but I also don't wish to be a part of it."

Whatever you do, just please don't make yourself uncomfortable to ensure the comfort of someone you don't care about. It often only leads to further resentment.

You're definitely right but practically the message is kind of hard to convey. I'll try to be honest with him. Thanks.

[archubbycub]

I experienced a similar situation in high school, only it was several people not just one. Later, in our senior year, more than one of these "bullies" came to me and personally apologized for the way they had treated me and stated they wished they had gotten to know me better instead if treating me like they did. And I feel they truly meant it. Now we're not the closest of friends, but when I run into these people we are able to talk and actually enjoy each others company.

I'd say, even though you are apprehensive of this guys motives, he is trying to make up for the way he treated you in school. And I know it can be a scary situation, and I agree with the others that you should approach this meeting with caution, but who knows, you may end up making a friend with this guy. At the very least it will give you both an opportunity to put closure to a bad situation and begin to heal from it. Best of luck!

[partisan]

So he done these things to you but he thought it was just a bit of messing about, maybe this type of behavour has lost the freinds he did have and hes reaching out to you, who he see as an easy touch from his past (and someone who took his pranks with a smile)

It sounds like you really dont want to meet this guy, which is fair enough, but you cant just say "No i dont want to" my rather bad advice is ignore him or make something up.