Partner posting nude photos...not sure how to feel (long post...sorry)

[Jake]

He is posting to multiple websites, hangouts and text.

That's not good, although I admit I did this before... I've got to agree that what one post on the Internet is there forever and may show up at the moment one unexpected the most.

There is nothing that I have read that alludes to him meeting up with anyone.

That's good but at the same time as some have said above, the secrecy he had and not planning on telling you would also raise the red flag for me if my husband would do that and I find out by mistake. When we met we agreed that all our single accounts on dating and hookup sites would be deleted (and we went through all of them together - and create one with both of us which have been deleted a long time ago) and if as you mentioned that his libido would slow down because he doesn't get to jerk off with pure stranger on a video/cam site as opposed to enjoy his time and find new sexual activities that both of you can enjoy, I find that a little egocentric and that to me raise the question: (how much of himself does he really want to involve in your relationship)

to it, although I think that my participation, at least at first, would have to be that of playing the hand, as you mentioned.

Yet again Baker, if in anyway you do not feel comfortable doing so, you should not be forced or manipulated in doing it... first and foremost if he never did invite you and was doing that in secrecy and been on the defensive when you tried talking to him about it... to me it's bad news. A couple takes decision by two... not one does what the Fuck he wants and the other has no say.

It is both. The online forums have hundreds of members, several with whom he personally knows. The hangouts have been, as far as I know, with sole individuals, as are the text.

And the other individual knows that he was in a relationship and never ever asked him if it was okay with you. And you did mentioned that some of them are themselves into a relationship... the whole secrecy behind it lead me to say the same as one said above. It's Cheating, because he can go around satisfying himself and forget about your needs or being less interested (low libido) because he can't get what he crave for. Damn I have a husband and to me he's first at everything. And at least that's what you should expect from your boyfriend; to be first. It's the unwritten rule of relationship.

To be honest, most of what I struggle with is not with the situation itself, but with the way it has been handled and the lack of knowing what this means for both the relationship and my place within it. Don't get me wrong, I am uncomfortable with the situation, but no more so than I would be when confronted with anything new... the discomfort associated with uncharted territory.

I completely understand your feelings and honestly I'd feel the same but love or not I'd be quite radical about it. I'm very open, but if I would have caught my dude doing the same and trying to turn around the situation and making me look like the hysteric one, I can guarantee you there would be an ultimatum. 8 Months isn't a lot... it's a fresh relationship. Not everyone agrees to share their boyfriend in an 8 month relationship... I know I wouldn't. We did this video thingy on cam4 pretty much 3 years after we were together and the viewers there were so annoying that we stopped that shit all together and haven't feel the need to come back.

As far as the posting itself, I am hopeful that with time and understanding that our relationship will mirror something similar to yours... one of agreement with healthy boundaries, acceptance, understanding and respect. Good for you!!! :0) Thank you for your interest, advice and encouragement. It is greatly appreciated.

I do hope for you and him it gets better... but Baker if you really feel that this is a one way relationship, where his needs are more important than yours... that's not an healthy relationship. I won't tell you what to do but I do hope that you have enough self-respect to know what to do

Best of luck.

[bakerbaker]

This was a repost of a reply to Kawaiikitty.

[Ryocchi]

Te way he acted was childish, and then he decided to throw it all on you, if he is as logical as you say he is he probably thought that he should stop ding this when he began a relationship with you, saying it's all because you're not as sexually open and then washing his hand, Boy, that wasn't cool, I believe only you are giving concessions and not him, deleting his videos ws all his idea probably fueled by his self not aknowledged guilt, same guilt that makes him act so defensive, now that you asked him how he feels in the rlationship, is the time to ask the same question to yourself, are you happy? would you able to feel secure and put up with this if the relationship progressess for many years?

[SolemnBoy]

Every relationship has its rules for what constitutes cheating. Personally, I wouldn't mind my partner exchanging sexual videos or even having cyber-sex if that kind of thing aroused him. I myself am less worried about my loved one getting physical stimulation with the help of other people, somehow, than him getting emotionally and sensually attached to someone who's not me. In other words, if I was in your situation I wouldn't mind these things other than his attempts to cover it up and the lies; those would still be unacceptable.

However, you're not me, and although you're being very understanding it's obvious that you don't want him doing this and that you in a way associate it with cheating. In that case, don't put up with it. If you've thought it through carefully and rationally and still reach the conclusion that it hurts you, tell him it has to stop if the relationship is to continue.

[SeaDevil]

I'd be careful. I've been in a few relationships that I found this kind of thing out and after ending the relationship discovered more had been going on. It turned out to be an iceberg kind of situation. If it makes you uncomfortable, it doesn't really matter why it what else is going on, I would draw a line in the sand.

[bluefox4000]

Watch out.....i've been with guys like that. It can get ugly. My only advice. Careful.

Mick

[pellaz]

i am sorry for the OP's situation.
Seems at least one of the partners is not needing a relationship at this time in his life.

I have not
most gay men probably have not had a big sit down to discuss each others deal beakers.
Set consequences for crossing that line. I bet if consequences are talked about they are slanted to breaking up the relationship rather than maintaining it.

[KawaiiKitty]

i am sorry for the OP's situation.
Seems at least one of the partners is not needing a relationship at this time in his life.

I have not and most gay's probably have not had a big sit down to discuss each other's deal beakers. Set consequences for crossing that line. I bet if consequences are talked about they are slanted to breaking up the relationship rather than maintaining it.

my bf and I have had that talk and I think the big thing for us is cheating in any form I think was the big deal breaker that we agreed upon. Its still kind of subjective though. Some form of cheating some people might feel isnt cheating at all and is harmless flirting. I do harmlessly flirt with guys even straight guys in a fun way(Im never serious when I flirt) even in front of my bf and I know where to draw the line most times. When I have went over the line though Ive straight away apologized to my bf cause the last thing I want to do is hurt or upset him in that way. I think if the OP's bf cared about him he would at least be alittle apologetic since he can clearly see this is hurting his bf. Instead he's being selfishly defensive when his bf is just asking for understanding instead of attacking him. I would take this as a good lesson of what NOT to do in a relationship you care about continuing.

[pellaz]

my bf and I have had that talk and I think the big thing for us is cheating in any form I think was the big deal breaker that we agreed upon. Its still kind of subjective though ...

not every deal breaker should lead to killing off the relationship.

[MisterTinkles]

MisterTinkles... thanks for your response. Believe me, I have had these thoughts. There is personal accountability required here. My partner is extremely logical... I mean EXTREMELY. I am certain that he has weighed out the risks involved when it comes to his public persona. Where that is involved, I have to respect his decision. It is his life and his reputation, after all.

Just remember, when something does happen because of this, you can get dragged through the crap too. If not worse.