As SeaDevil so eloquently described it, your in dangerous territory here, and there is an iceberg straight ahead.
Before you expend anymore energy in the relationship, you need to have an honest 1-2-1 with your other half. If you don't, or can't, or he won't, then start making plans to jump ship now.
You need to get to the bottom of why he's behaving like this, yet supposed to be in a relationship with you. Im not saying porn is bad (the right kind of porn can be good for a relationship) but the way he is acting and getting defensive when you try and question him is a red flag.
The drop off in intimacy is a sure sign of trouble ahead, so best prepare yourself for what you already suspect is coming.
Good Luck.
ObW
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bakerbaker Wrote:MisterTinkles... thanks for your response. Believe me, I have had these thoughts. There is personal accountability required here. My partner is extremely logical... I mean EXTREMELY. I am certain that he has weighed out the risks involved when it comes to his public persona. Where that is involved, I have to respect his decision. It is his life and his reputation, after all.
Hi. You probably don't know a thing about me, so I will give you a brief run down: married for 5 years to a genius, he had self esteem issues that he resolved via sex, I left him, we were apart for 9 years, he got his shit together and we have been back together for ~2 years.
Notice I said I was married to a genius. The exceptionally intelligent individual has the ability to logically justify his actions, which can lead to barley fathomable motives and manipulation.
He will never be satisfied. He will not stop without a fall to the absolute bottom.....and he may not stop then.
You have to answer only one question: Do you want to take that ride with him (knowing that it will drag you and everything you dream of down too)?
Good luck.
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pellaz Wrote:not every deal breaker should lead to killing off the relationship.
Isnt that kind what deal breaker means though? at least to me its the one thing that could make me instantly break up with my bf.
I know and he knows that if he ever cheated on me I would never be able to trust him again. Trust is something that can never be regained fully in a relationship just because of the fact that even if you forgive the cheating you will never forget it. It will always be that dark spot in your past that never goes away for you and the person you cheated on.
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Thank you for all of your responses...it has given me a lot to consider. I am new to posting on forums and was a bit apprehensive about doing so...I am soo glad that I did. This is a very genuine and welcoming community...thank you.
It's been an interesting experience reading all of the different insights and opinions on here. Many, if not all, of your responses have mirrored the thoughts and feelings that I have had at one time or another. As I have read and reread all of the posts, including my own, I'm surprised to discover how my thoughts and feelings have developed. I've tried viewing it through different filters so as to gain a healthy perspective and, what the Buddha calls, right view. I've attempted to do so by approaching this as if it were not my own story and seeing what advice I would have to offer...then reinserting my personal experience of it and seeing how the two views compare. In doing so, I feel that I have been able to clear away a lot of the emotional clouds and have gained a deeper understanding of the underlying issues and my feelings surrounding the situation.
I feel the need to acknowledge the fact that, although I have been true and honest in my posts as to how I have experienced this situation, this is solely my own perception and does not include my partner's views and experience of it. I, obviously, cannot share that. Something that I can do, however, is to offer up some clarity to certain areas, so as to be responsible to and to honor the character of my partner:
1. Lying: My partner is a very honest individual. I whole-heartedly believe that he has never intentionally try to deceive me at any point in our relationship. What he does do is hold, what he views as, his right to discretion. Unfortunately, this easily translates into misinformation which, in turn, does not paint a clear picture and is easily perceived as deception. For example, when he tells me that the reason that he did not clue me into the fact that he was continuing to post was so that he was not throwing it my face and causing me undue stress and frustration, I do believe that to be his underlying intention. I also recognize that it was his way of avoiding further discussion of the subject...a selfish motivation. He never told me that he was not going to post AND he never let me know that he was continuing to do so...discretion (or indiscretion, as it were). I do believe, or at least hope, that he is discovering the folly in this way of being.
2. Libido: I believe that my partner's drop in libido had a lot more to do with his feelings of perceived rejection by me, rather than his inability to post online...something that I can completely understand. Our more recent conversations have clarified that point for me. Although I recognize that through posting and receiving comments on those posts, he gains a certain amount of sexual satisfaction and stimulation, I would hope that it would not directly affect his libido, as that would allude to a serious and risky self-esteem/self-worth issue that would have to be addressed. I do not, however, believe that to be the case...he, for the most part, is verging on being overly self-confident with both his body and sexuality. Something that I admire in him.
I have really come to realize that my over-all frustrations, dissatisfaction and disappointments have more to do with how all of this has been addressed and handled, rather than the posting, in and of itself. In order to come to a resolution with all of this and for our relationship to heal and grow, it is important for us to deal with two separate issues: the posting and our communication with each other.
Concerning the posting, what I believe that is needing to happen is that the two of us have to be able to get together and set some healthy boundaries. Jake's suggestion of us only participating in websites and online forums, including this one, that the both of us, together, have access to seems to be very sound, respectable and healthy. I also believe that a conversation about the possible repercussions of posting nude photos online is necessary. I am beginning to understand, and a bit excited (if I am to be completely honest), the possibilities of how this could enhance our relationship, as long as we effectively create an environment of safety, inclusion and responsibility to each other.
We definitely have a long and sensitive road ahead of us, when it comes to our ability to communicate and the hurt and harm that we cause each other. Due to all the wreckage and the emotional strain (and drain) that this has put on the both of us, it is important that this subject be put to rest for a little while. This is, by far, a critical issue that needs to be dealt with, I realize, and I believe that the both of us need to take a bit of time to recoup and reflect on both how we feel and how we have treated each other.
As a side note for further insight: for those of you familiar with the Keirsey personality types, I am an INFJ, while my partner is an INTJ. What that comes down to is that although we both are intuitive and sensitive individuals, the way in which we approach and process things are different...I am very emotionally based, where as he is extremely logical. The way that ends up playing out is very difficult sometimes. It's like the conscious mind sitting down with the subconscious mind and trying to have a discussion about reality.
Again, I am extremely grateful for all the insights, experiences and opinions that have been shared and am appreciative of any and all future responses. Thank you for being so welcoming and supportive!
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When I form a relationship, I accept the person with the things they do and have done. If he was doing that before I met him and I expected him to stop - I see that as me getting him to change. When you expect the other to change, you are starting down a course with potential problems. You may get the change you want but you will get changes you don't want... so, for example, if your friend enjoys what he does and he does it as a hobby. You taking the enjoyment away and isolating him from one thing that he enjoys, is you making him less happy and causing him to feel more restricted. In turn, he isn't the person you fell for. I expect that you have a slippery slope down hill from there.
He was open and honest with you about what he does. You got to see some of his video's. You expected more than he was willing to offer and it could be said that your reaction caused him to behave more covertly because he didn't want the repeat of the reaction from you. You put more pressure on him and the tensions grew. As a consequence, his sexual appetite went down.
If my advice offers some assistance, I think it's best to think about the long term... would you be happy with this arrangement for the next 10 years....ie. Could you live with it? It the answer is "don't know" or "no", then end the relationship. It's a sore loss now, but the relationship is unlikely to last.
Spend your time finding someone who shares the same values and expectations as you. Better to be single and looking than in an unhappy relationship and hoping.
Best of luck.
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Ian70... thank you. I fully agree with you. As you are is as you should be accepted.
I believe that you have misunderstood our beginnings...this was not something that I was aware of until we were a couple months into the relationship and living together. When it came out (and the circumstances surrounding how it came it), not voluntarily shared, I immediately tried to be understanding, which was my attempt at accepting it. Looking back, I realize that it was my attempt at understanding being misinterpreted as judgment which was met with instant defensiveness that created the entire hurtful and confusing situation (me responding to his defensiveness with my own defensiveness, which brought on more defensiveness, etc. and an ugly spiral ensued).
I suppose I could have cut to the quick in my initial post and stated that I am looking for insights, experiences, etc. into the whole world of online posting and how to healthfully incorporate it into a relationship. I am also seeking support and understanding in trying to deal with and creating correct view for the hurt and frustration that I've experienced. I felt that providing a history of the situation would benefit the outcome, and I believe that it has.
Let me be clear...I completely accept my partner for who he is. I am just trying to understand how to incorporate that acceptance into defining how it affects and defines my place within this relationship. As of yet, that conversation has not been possible to have between my partner and myself.
Thank you for your response.
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Ian70 Wrote:When I form a relationship, I accept the person with the things they do and have done. If he was doing that before I met him and I expected him to stop - I see that as me getting him to change. When you expect the other to change, you are starting down a course with potential problems. You may get the change you want but you will get changes you don't want... so, for example, if your friend enjoys what he does and he does it as a hobby. You taking the enjoyment away and isolating him from one thing that he enjoys, is you making him less happy and causing him to feel more restricted. In turn, he isn't the person you fell for. I expect that you have a slippery slope down hill from there.
He was open and honest with you about what he does. You got to see some of his video's. You expected more than he was willing to offer and it could be said that your reaction caused him to behave more covertly because he didn't want the repeat of the reaction from you. You put more pressure on him and the tensions grew. As a consequence, his sexual appetite went down.
If my advice offers some assistance, I think it's best to think about the long term... would you be happy with this arrangement for the next 10 years....ie. Could you live with it? It the answer is "don't know" or "no", then end the relationship. It's a sore loss now, but the relationship is unlikely to last.
Spend your time finding someone who shares the same values and expectations as you. Better to be single and looking than in an unhappy relationship and hoping.
Best of luck.
I see what you are saying, but arent most relationships about compromise? Its obviously making the OP very uncomfortable that his boyfriend is chatting up other guys and is sending nude videos of himself and getting them back from other guys. Not only that but he hid the fact that he was doing it from his boyfriend. If it was "just a hobby" why didnt he be upfront with his bf about it from the very start? If its something SO important that he gets defensive about it at the very mention of the subject it must be a pretty important issue for him.
Asking someone to change their behavior isnt always a bad thing. It can lead to wonderful things since you should want your partner to be happy and not worried all the time that they might be trying to hook up with some random guy on the internet or that it might escalate to that point eventually. Did he hook up with these guys before you two were a couple? Thats probably something good to find out too. This smells like it goes far beyond some general hobby and sounds almost like an obsession.
Just the fact that he is sharing something so intimate with strangers that should only be shared between him and his boyfriend is an affront to their relationship. Most people dont stop to think about it but sex is one of the most intimate things you can share with someone you care about and cherish. You must have alot of trust in someone to have sex with them. When are you more vulnerable than when you are naked and in the throes of passion? For him to be so nonchalant about who he has "sex" with is very telling.
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Kawaiikitty... although not completely the case with my partner and I, I really appreciate you adding this hue to the spectrum of this thread. It seems you and I have similar views on sex and relationships. Thank you. Your post makes me smile . 
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