My boyfriend and I have been together since 2009. My family, while churchy, doesn't really care about us being together and he's been over before. Any events, he's welcome over. Its nice that things are this way now, years back, my family was the opposite.
So let me get into the issue at hand, his family. When we first got together I knew about his families dislike for gays. Still, I tried to be positive hoping one day we could all meet up and just be friendly. Well, its been 4 going on 5 years. His mother doesn't really know about me. My boyfriend's mom still asks if he has a "girlfriend." Yes, she knows about him. I don't know if the family is in denial or whats up. His mom genuinely sounds nice, besides this whole mess. It just really sucks.
Anyways, how do you come to terms that you'll never be apart of your loved ones family? I honestly don't see this happening. I told my BF tonight to just stop worrying about it all. I lost my mom last September and the last thing I want is him to get excommunicated from his family....
Still, its hard. We were at a point where we were homeless, living out of his car. We have a home now, but some lieing was done. When we moved up to where we live now, I was the provider for a bit. Dealing with his family was hard at the time, he said he as working and alone. It just kinda hurt. He knows this, but well i dunno.
Theres some background. I'm trying to see if others have been in this position before. Do I just let this all go, ignore his family all together? Again, his mom doesn't even know about us being together for 4-5 years.
Looking for some support.
sincerely,
Gaberz
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Yep - ignore them.
You have no other option on that. Clearly they will not accept you, so why be around people who won't accept you?
He will grow more distant with his family over time. This whole 'denying he's gay' thing is only driving a wedge deeper and deeper between them and him, and eventually he is going to say 'fuck it, I want to be happy' and find a new family, one that accepts him just the way he is.
Its not his fault. And he needs to be reminded that you know its not his choice nor his fault and you are ok with it and you love him and want him regardless of his family.
My own mother, the last time I spoke to her, asked me if I had a wife yet. I said, no I'm gay. She said 'but what about Danielle?' I had to correct her and tell her that my BF's name is Daniel and he prefers to be called Danny. - Well was, he is an ex now.
My mother was being purposefully obtuse, she hated her offspring for many reasons, our being homosexuals was only one small aspect of that motherly hatred.
My mother kicked my elder brother out of the house when he came out of the closet at age 16 - He ended up living in the streets of Los Angeles where he turned to prostitution, then drug dealing (and using) in order to survive. He ended up getting HIV in the bad days when it was a death sentence. He eventually died.
At his funeral my mother had the audacity to blame everyone else for his death, never took her own part of having kicked him out as a minor and forcing him to find ways to survive because she couldn't accept him.
So there are people who hate their own flesh and blood and will never accept them. Yes even unto death.
Every partner except my first had decent relationships with their family regardless of the homosexual thing. My first and I had no family, we considered ourselves 'gay orphans' and were pretty happy by ourselves and with our friends. We made our own family from the people around us, who cared for us.
So that is an option - make family out of those people who do care for you both. If his can't accept you as a couple, then find those people who will.
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"Its not his fault. And he needs to be reminded that you know its not his choice nor his fault and you are ok with it and you love him and want him regardless of his family."
I do this constantly. After I wrote what I did I talked to him a bit more, reminding him just like you said. Its still hard though... He's so proud of all we've done together. Then the second when families involved its like 50% of him has to shut down. He's not ashamed of being gay, he really isn't. I just don't know what causes this garbage.
I did go through something similar with my mother years back when i came out. Told her I was gay, her response was, "You don't even know what being gay is!" I told her years later I had more of an idea than she ever would lol. Things calmed down in my family over time, and things were fine.
Guess I was just hoping things would work the same here... though I can see that more or less never will happen. I just don't want any of this family stuff to jeopardize our lives together. I mean, if we get married, what does he tell his mom? If his family doesn't like it, so be it. We shouldn't have to hide that though. I also don't want family worries over the gay thing to ever effect us getting married to begin with. He knows all this, I've brought up my concerns to him.
This whole last year has been a mess and my heads been so disorganized. With my moms passing and us going back home together in about 8 months... just been alot to think about.
Your words have been very helpful though and i appreciate you sharing your views/experiences. Seems like you've had it rough. Sorry for all your life struggles and the loss of your brother.
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I can relate somewhat. Short & sweet, focus on what you have, not what you don't, at least that works for me.
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"Do you have a girlfriend?"
UGH. That makes me want to vomit. You have to ignore them, his mother is obviously in denial about it, and until she gets over herself then there's no possible relationship between you two and his family. That's hurtful and it sucks, but it's their problem, not yours.
If she keeps that up, he needs to be direct with her and tell her straight up to stop asking that question because he is NEVER GOING TO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE HE IS NOT ATTRACTED TO WOMEN. Simple as that. If he tells her "Oh, no mom, no girlfriend right now", then he's only exacerbating the situation by giving her the opportunity to hope for something that's impossible (and irrational on her part). Fucking ridiculous. I'm sorry about the situation, but really, there's nothing you can do about it. The ball is in their court.
If my mother were that way, I hate to say that I'd have nothing to do with her, end of. They're family, yeah, but that's beyond disrespectful and hurtful. It reminds me of my younger brother's girlfriend— she grew up in an extreme Mormon household and left the church in her teenage years, and her parents threw her out of the house over it. She still continues to talk to them even though they guilt trip her and have church members essentially harass her to come back. If I were in her shoes, I wouldn't speak to them until they respected me and my life without trying to impose their own rigid beliefs on it. It's insane.
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Just keep chuckin,
and continue being there for your man.
It's always an unfortunate predicament to be in,
but know that even straight couples go through shit like this,
not for being gay,
but maybe for race or religion,
or just a general dislike of their child's significant other.
The best thing you can do is to keep loving each other,
because essentially your relationship is about the two of you,
and family is secondary to none,
on the level of necessity,
regardless of how hurtful the lack of integration may be.
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Dealing with the "other" family while in a relationship.
