Relationship advice

[Anonymous]

I'm really needing some advice about the relationship I'm in. I've been seeing this guy exclusively now for almost 9 months and while he's a really great guy, I'm just not sure I'm still in love with him.

Like most relationships, things started out great. We met online and after about a month of talking and getting to know one another we finally met for the first time face to face. We really hit it off well and I found myself going to see him every chance I got. He was living about 45 minutes away from me at the time and since I was the one who had the vehicle (his has a disability so he can't drive) I would make all the trips for us to be together which I didn't mind.

Then, back in March of this year we moved in together, and things were really good , but lately it's gotten to where at times I just don't want him to even speak to me. And what's really confusing to me is the fact that I can't really say there's anything he's done to make me feel this way. It's just that I don't want to hear what he has to say.

And as I'm typing this, I feel like such a douche bag for feeling like this. I just don't know what to do or say anymore. Am I wrong for feeling like this? I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to throw something good away, but I just don't know if I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him! I'm so confused at this point.

[LateBloomer]

Whoa, hang on a second.

First of all, moving in together after just 4 months of dating is pretty quick. You guys are still getting to know each other.

Secondly, how did a 9 month relationship turn into "spending the rest" of your life with him?

Did you get married? You didn't say that in your post.

Slow down, take a breath.

Why not change the terms of your relationship. If you haven't talked about the "terms" (things you expect/need/desire) then this is a good time.

How about considering keeping the relationship but moving out of the house. Find a place of your own. Keep seeing each other romantically.

Why does it have to be ALL or NOTHING?

Good luck.

[Undreamt]

To me it sounds like you are starting to get bored, and boredom has been the death of many relationships.

Do something different, talk to him, communicate.
At the very least go out with a bang, no point letting a relationship atrophy and waste away to nothing.

You say that you don't want to throw something good away, if you're felling like that is it really that good or are you just hoarding the relationship because your afraid to let go.

Maintaining a relationship can sometimes be a bit like maintaining an old car. Sure it was fantastic when it was new, and it still has sentimental value and if you put in alot of work it might turn into a classic. But if you don't know what you are doing or are not able to put in the work required then it might be better to give the car to someone else that might be able to make better use of it so that you can get something more appropriate for your needs.

[pellaz]

... but I just don't know if I can see myself spending the rest of my life with him! I'm so confused at this point.

is there anyone (including your self) that you want to spend the rest of your life, ltr, with?

serious
what do you want a big gay relationship to do for you?
do you want this as much as he does

love & best wishes

[Evan]

It sounds like you guys rushed into things perhaps a little too quickly. It's not uncommon for people to get over enthusiastic in the early stages of a relationship, when everything still seems so perfect. After all, everything is new, therefore exciting. First dates, first kisses, feeling infatuated with each other, seeing practically no flaws in the other person, no fighting.. it's all fairy tale-like. But then, after a couple of months, that "new" feeling starts to disappear, everything starts being "normal" again, you start seeing some flaws, everything is not always exciting anymore, and you lose that intense feeling of infatuation. That's why lots of relationships end after a couple of months. Especially if you've entered the relationship with extreme enthusiasm -- which seems to be the case -- those changing feelings can be confusing.

I'd say talk to him about it. If there's anything I've learned from my previous relationships, it's that communication and openness are among the most important things. Just be honest about your feelings. I kind of like LateBloomer's idea to consider moving out. I'm not saying you should break up, but taking things a little slower may be a good idea. If he really cares about you, he'll understand (or at least try to understand).

[Anonymous]

Thanks guys! I've been thinking this thing through a lot since I posted this thread and I think a lot of it is me right now. I've been having some minor health issues the past few weeks plus there's a lot of stress at work right now and financial issues as well. But things are starting to get better.

As far as movin in together, yes I do think we moved a little too fast on that one, but right now neither one of us can afford to move out from where we're living. I had to sell the house I was living in due to the fact that I couldn't afford the house payment and the up keep and everything else. So I moved in with a friend of mine who has a downstairs apartment and the BF moved in at the same time. That wasn't my original plan, but it happened. :/

But like I said, things are improving for me as far as work and finances and health goes and I think things will start to improve with the relationship as well. I know it's just going to take some time and work on both of our parts.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

So I moved in with a friend of mine who has a downstairs apartment and the BF moved in at the same time. That wasn't my original plan, but it happened. :/

Oh I see, so its your BF's fault that everything has gone wrong.... I get that.

I'm definitely not saying your an arsehole... I am trying to point out how the heart/brain thing works. Do read on for an explanation.

You may not say that, may not voice it, but I got a sneaky sensation that somewhere inside of you you feel that. The way you said that says 'And its his damned fault'... You may not realize that that is what you are saying, but its reading through clearly that you resent that he is upsetting your original plan and :/ makes it even louder.

This is a seed of resentment which may or not be in full bloom already. It was planted in this case because of an odd change of events which actually neither he nor you had full control of. Love is fickle, funny, freaky and often fails to be rational.

Look you are obviously under a lot of stress, have 'problems' left and right - stresses don't help relationships - forget that nonsense about problems making relationships stronger - problems don't make relationships stronger, what makes relationships stronger is the couple knowing there are problems and doing their best to defuse one another with a little blunt honesty and communication.

Is he supporting you emotionally through this?

Now, do you actually feel you are emotionally supported through this?

No that was not the same question, the first means that he is doing what he can, the second means that no matter what he does you ain't feeling it.

If he is trying within his ability and you ain't feeling it, then this is internal emotional crap turning into a resentment - thus you hate listening to him because he reminds you of this resentment going on.

Did you understand this concept?

I'm not downing on you, I'm trying to explain how the brain/heart works over 'crap' situations. Resentments are tricky things, they grow out of the tiniest of seeds.

Couples can grow huge gardens of resentment over silly things, like which way the toilet paper roll is hung, or the dirty socks that always manage to hit the floor around the hamper but never IN the damned hamper. Or the popping of their gum - Why on Earth can't you STOP POPPING THE DAMN GUM!!!!

Get it - a simple, minor annoyance can become a huge resentment.

Now all of these little seeds of resentment from tiny little things all grow to be a big tangled garden - this makes you more sensitive to his crap - that annoying thing he does at night in the middle of the night you are laying there trying to sleep - you know breathing - that's now an annoyance and eventually you get to the point where you want to take your pillow and smother him just to make him stop making that god-awful noise.

Most people never actually do it, but many lay there in the middle of the night fantasizing about it.

So something that would never annoy you is now annoying and a new resentment because you already had resentment there from some other little thing long long ago.

Well you are not alone, it happens so often there are a plethora of websites about dealing with resentments.

[Anonymous]

Thank you Bowyn. Everything you said makes perfect sense. And yes, I do think he is doing everything to show me support through my troubles but like you said I'm just not feeling it. And to make matters worse, I'm the type of person who internalizes everything, often to the point that I get angry when someone tries to make me talk about what's going on.

I know I need to talk to him, but I just don't want him to take it the wrong way.