How to deal with a closeted boy who is too shy/afraid to meet?

[antigrandbean]

So I am a junior in college, I am out to pretty much anyone who asks me if I am gay or hints at it, I enjoy anime, photography, film, games, etc. and after searching my small town (Chico, Ca) I have seemingly exhausted myself. I have been to bars, social events, friends of friends hookups, LGBT events at school and no one seems to share the same likes or have common interests. All my relationships end up being only one-off dates due to no chemistry or I seem to find guys who take you out to diner only to expect something that involve you and your comfy bed.

After pretty much giving up on the possibility that young guys can date I decided to use one of the social apps in hopes of finding someone a little more serious. I did, I found a wonderful boy who is the same age as me and has pretty much the same interest but he's incredibly closeted and shy. He admitted to being virgin and never really having a dating life, not even cover-up girlfriends. So I tried taking my time, really trying to get to know him and it seemed to have worked for a while. He and I Skyped face-to-face to try and learn a little about each other and we showed great interest in each other. I figured he would be comfortable meeting for something as impersonal as coffee which he agreed to only to tell me something came up the day of the "date." I didn't think anything of it, everyone has to babysit their younger siblings, but since then he's been distant.

I've confronted him about this, asking why he seems to have changed when the chemistry was really flowing over skype the day before. He simply replied he was shy but he did have interest both emotionally and psychically. I don't want to smother the dude, I just need communication to know what is going on and why. I am confused as to what the next step should be, I don't want to come off as desperate nor do I want to come off as disinterested. I've read some articles about how shy guys need to be shown interests but that it shouldn't make him feel smothered. I know he's afraid of being outed and I have spoken my feelings towards that situation, reassuring him I have no interests of doing that. It's not like I wear a summer dress and pumps around, most guys don't even know I am gay!! What do you guys think? Should I be a wait some more before, um, moving on or should I hold tight and wait a bit more?

[Dan1980]

You should help him over come his shyness. You could meet some where out of town and have a coffee. Tell him that you like him and could take it slow. I wish you both luck.

[Spellbound]

If it was me, and I really liked him, I'd take my time and just keep on chatting or emailing him until he feels more comfortable. I'm pretty shy, and that's the what's I'd like.

[Jason111]

Let him go. Not worth it.

[Geminize]

Welcome to GS bean,

Given what you said about the gay scene in Chico and your attempts to find a guy to date, I think it's worth trying a little more with this guy. He has a lot to overcome: shyness, fear of being outed, total lack of dating experience. At your age hopefully his desire to connect and explore will overpower those challenges. Having a friend he trusts might help him in that.

Your challenge in this is not getting attached too soon. For it to work I think you need to go in hoping for a friendship -- not romance. If you can be patient and let things develop at his speed (with a little nudging) it could go well.

I suggest you go back to skype and try to develop a friendship that way. If you both enjoy it I think he will want more and more to meet you in person. If he is totally shut down due to fear of being outed, that could lead to you feeling hurt. That's if you become closer online but he's afraid to be seen with you since you're out. It's hard to be patient when he's so different socially, but it could be worth it for friendship and more.

[Dreamer]

Since you seem really interested in him,
and claim to not have had much luck with guys lately,
I'd give it a chance,
and see how things go.


Be patient,
and see if you can somehow reel him back in,
with some casual small talk,
periodically,
to catch him off guard,
and go from there.


If he ends up being impossible to reach,
or you end up not meeting for a long time,
let it go, and focus you're energy on someone
willing and able to put forth the effort.


Also,
next time someone says they're in the closet,
RUN THE OTHER WAY!


Personally, I don't have time for that foolishness.


I'm a young man,
and it's too much of a headache,
playing those "grade-school games".


It's stupid to waste my time
going backwards.