I am out and my partner of 1 year is closeted

[isaiah007]

Hello, everyone.

My name is Adam. I am 27 years old.

Today I am facing a horrific choice and it is tearing my chest apart.

Background:
In August 2012, I met the most amazing man. He is dominican. I live on the border of Chicago and he lives in a suburb 10-15 minutes away. For the last year, we have had a lot of fun, shared so many things, spent so much time together, and even went on a cruise together. Ive been with him to his scuba diving classes, he always goes with me (and even joined) a swimming class with me, even though he already knows how to swim. He just wanted to spend that time with me.

When I sleep he covers me, if he need anything I get it, we do everything together and have been in bliss.

But there is a problem. I am 27, he is 42, so we have a 16 year age difference (not the problem. we get along very well and he has a child's heart). I am black, he is dominican, I am native to america, he is a citizen, but immigrated from Dominican Republic.

The problem is that I am open and he is not. When we first met, on our third date, I expressed to him that I was afraid to get involved with him, because I am open and his is not. I was afraid this would cause trouble between us in the long run. He replied to me that we should give it a try, and in one year we can revisit this issue.

The year has come and gone now, and over the weekend he told someone I was his friend. This is not unusual in that I was used to it for the year (though it hurt) but now I expected to start to see a change. He openly shares me with his mother, who knows about him, but not with any other family members or straight friends.

This is now causing a rift between us.

When I have to hide who I am to him, it makes me feel ashamed. I don't like that feeling. I came out because of it, that I will hide no more. He has revealed to me that he is terribly afraid of coming out. He does not want to lose everyone he loves, and the people that love him. People from his country view being homosexual as 'worse than a drug dealer' according to him, but all the people I've met through him that are dominican say the same thing. I believe him.

He apologized, saying that he honestly thought that he would be able to come out given time, but he states that he has become more closeted instead. I love him with everything in me. He has become my everything. I cannot express the level of joy I have when I am near him. Simply having him over, or being at his house makes me feel amazing.

Now sure we have had our ups and downs, but we have been totally devoted to one another. At any point one of us is down, the other is there to lift him up. He has supported me while I have started a new business and I appreciate it so much. Since we've met, we have told each other verbally or by text, everyday, good morning and goodnight, every morning and every night. We've only missed 5 days. We talk via skype or messenger while we are at work, throughout the day, as free time allows.

He is my best friend.

I am currently at work, typing this, trying to decide on what I should do. He has told me that if I want to seperate, it is ok and he understands, but I know him, he is only saying that because he loves me and hides his emotions. We both will be deeply, deeply hurt, for a while.

I want to be able to live with my spouse and to be able to get closer to my lover/partner, openly. I want to be able to share our assets, and have an address with both of our names on it. I want to wake up every morning next to him and call our place 'our home'.

I am not a religious guy... but the love I have for him has caused me to pray for him from time to time. That reminds me, he once texted me 'Baby, you know I am not religious, but I prayed for you today. I love you and want you always to be happy.' He is very delicate toward me. We put up with one another's faults and challenge one another because we have so many differences.

If it were not for the closet issue, this would be perfect. I know myself. My father once told me 'The moment you came out of the womb, you have always gone for what you want. No matter what it is, if you want something, you go for it. There could be a 1000 alternatives, but you always get the one you wanted.' I am afraid that I will be ok with it now, but this issue will continue to come up. We will spend so much time together that one day, I will leave him. And it will hurt 1000 times more than it will now, which is very painful to even consider.

I have seen him cry before, and it is hard to make him cry. We went to a play that was a story about hispanic immigrants. In the end one of the main characters died saying 'when it is my time, I ask only that I am buried in my home land.' I saw tears stream down his face. We saw the show 'the odd life of timothy green' and I saw him try to wipe tears away before I could see them, which I later teased him about. The worst tears I saw is when we had to put down his youngest dog (youngest of 3). The dog was not very active, though the other dogs were, and came down with diabetes, even though he had a very strict diet. (He takes amazing care of his dogs... Amazing). Those were tears of loss. We both held on, but when it was time to put the dog down, I could hold on no longer and had to excuse myself because I could not contain my tears. When we drove home, I stared out the window, as he grabbed my hand, because I the tears were streaming down. When we got home, he sat on the bed, his face turned dark red, and he wept bitterly. I wept more as I held him in this.

I do not ever want to be the cause of a tear coming down his face, except for something good.

I am at work typing this and struggling to contain my tears, though a few have escaped.

What should I do? Stay with him? Should I leave?

[jimcrackcorn]

How badly is your relationship suffering because your partner remains in the closet?

If he refuses to share a house or apartment with you because he's afraid his family and friends will find out he is in a gay relationship,,, then you definitely have a problem.

There is a point in life where you have to make choices that may not necessarily be easy, but you have to make those choices if you want to have a real relationship together.

If your partner is unwilling to choose you over his family & friends, then it is time for you to make a decision. Continuing being his dirty little secret,,, or,,, find someone else to share your life with.

Sincerely,
Jim

[Geminize]

This is such a hard issue, and in an ideal world none of us would have to struggle with this choice. I feel for you. None of us can tell you what to do here. You need to weigh your love for each other against the strain of remaining with a closeted partner.

I suspect that if you stay together the strain on you will only grow more and more difficult. Your desire to share a partner, a home, a life together may never be realized with him. At the same time, life is messy. It doesn't always meet our expectations, and we sometimes need to make compromises -- letting go of some things we want in order to have others. We make the best choices we can and keep moving forward.

Good luck with this. I wish it didn't need to be so hard.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Every man you meet with be 'He is perfect but.....'

There is always going to be that 'one flaw' that will be annoying and untenable.

The next guy may be a drug dealer, or an abuser, or a self-centered selfish bastard... Something will be there and undoubtedly it most likely will be worse than this - worse is a relative notion - it depends on what you are able to put up with.

What should you do? I don't know.

I can't tell you that you and only you knows where you are willing and able to make compromise.

[Ekwarph]

I agree with Bowyn Aerrow.
It's a pity to put a end to such a beautiful (well at least as you describe it, it seems to be) relationship only because your boyfriend doesn't want to come out.
I understand it's difficult, but I think a relationship is never perfect, but you have to compose with it.

[nfisher1226]

I can only say what I would do. My desire to have that wake up together, pick out the linens and dishes for our place together, always have someone to hold me at night type of relationship is strong enough that if I don't think it's ever going to happen with a guy I'll leave. Life is too short for me to settle for a limited relationship. I want it all.

Does that limit my chances? Hell yes. But I'd rather be single than go through what you're going through right now.

Should you leave him though? You have to make that decision yourself. If a relationship with him on a limited basis is fulfilling for you and you want to be with him then by all means do.

[trywait]

it sounds like you already have made a decision and just want validation that you are making the right choice.

at the end of the day, trust your heart. do what u feel is right; everything else will fall into place

[Waylon777]

Hmm, I think if him being is closet is starting to hurt you and creating more troubles in the relationship, you should have a talk with him. You definitely cannot push someone to come out, it has to be him who has to realize that he has to come out in order for your relationship to work. It definitely hurts to be called just a "friend" from someone you love. No matter how many times you hear that, it's not pleasant and getting used to it is not easy; it could sort of cut your heart apart. Talk to him why he doesn't want to come out, why he is so afraid. It is definitely good to consider that he shouldn't just risk all his relationship with his family and friends. On the other hand, it's not worth it to have friends who judges you based on who you love, that's just cold. I had several friends that cut ties with me for me being gay. It's not worth it to have those kind of friends with you in the first place. Anyways, talk to him why. Tell him that it's hurting you and you don't want this to be a secret. Not that you have to tell the whole world, but it's always nice to just be able to express love to your spouse anytime, anywhere. Maybe, you could move to somewhere far from where you live and start off fresh, with new people, new friends, and new location. This may help from his friends finding out. Good luck! your guy sounds like a sweetheart to you, grab hold on him, and don't let go! XD