Straight woman seeking advice from preferably gay men

[Bankqusi]

Hi everyone I created this account because I am in need of some advice.

I recently found out that my bf has previously been meeting up with men to receive h*ad. He claims that he is not gay nor bisexual. He claims that he is not at all attracted to men and that he has never had anal or anything else apart from receiving h*ad. He also has no problem performing in the bedroom with me and loves sex and gets turned on easily by me.

I'm worried that he may be too scared to admit that he is at least bi. So i guess i just want to know is it possible to be straight and not attracted to the same sex and yet engage in sexual activities with the same sex? Also is it possible to be gay and still love sex with women and get turned on by women and have no problem reaching climax/performing?

Any advice is appreciated.

[nfisher1226]

It's entirely possible that he identifies as straight, gets turned on by women, and only really wants to be with a woman in spite of the fact that he's received oral sex from men before. It's not entirely uncommon. It's also possible that he's lying through his teeth, or that he's closeted and in denial, or varying degrees of all of those.

This comes down to how much you trust him to tell you the truth, and how much it bothers you. You should also be aware that there are an extremely large number of married or otherwise attached men who regularly try to hook up with men for casual sex. Check out craigslist for a real eye opener in that regard. He may be as faithful as they come, but there's a lot of men who aren't so be careful.

[LONDONER]

Maybe he just prefers head from a gay guy because in general, many gay guys like doing it and know how to do it better than women.

[dfiant1]

I Agree with what Fisher says, but I would like to ask you how do you feel about it?

Your feelings about this are just as important as his feelings, you are just as important. So really, it is just as important how you feel...especially since you call your relationship 'monogamous'.

How do you feel about your BF getting head from other guys while in a monogamous relationship?

[JimmyDalton]

I'm not sure I'm the right person to give advice. Communication is the most important in a relationship. Through time, you'll know his sexual preference. After being with you, is he still regularly meeting up with men?

I do want to ask you, and it's just if, do you enjoy having sex with other woman? Could you admit that you are lesbian? If you enjoy, but not sexually attracted, maybe the same happens to your bf.

If, through time, he turns out to be bisexual, it is up to you whether you are comfortable with him or not.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I am sorry for you and this situation.

Contrary to popular belief human sexuality is not a cut and dry situation. Sexuality, what motivates us, what we are attracted to and what gives us our jollies can be all over the board.

There are a lot of guys who question their sexuality because they watch gay porn - however all they fantasize about when it comes to romance, being in a relationship, marriage, settling down, blah is being with a woman.

Sex in an of itself is a complex experience. It is not wholly an act of lust and pleasure - it can be all sorts of other things, it can be 'making love' when two loving individuals become intimate, it can be a horrible power trip when it is used forcibly (rape).

It may very well be he lusts after these guys/for these guys and he loves you. If male promiscuity is any indicator, I suspect a lot of males have a clear definition of what sex is and what love is - many of them can have 'just sex' and not get emotionally entangled with the person.

What is gay? or Bi? I personally do not place emphasis on the sex in homosexual/bisexual - I view these words to be more inclusive of a lot of other emotions and 'stuff' such as the desire to pair off and bond with another human being.

I think that the majority of humans fall in the Bi-Zone. I suspect I fall there since while I claim to be 100% gay, the reality is there were two women in my lifetime who I actually, seriously, was read to commit to, marry, have children and be 100% straight for. Granted they were lesbians and laughed at that notion... so nothing came of it.

But the fact remains there are at least two women in the world I would go 'straight for' - this means I am not wholly gay - it means I'm gay with a streak of straight tendencies.

It is possible your husband is in the Bi-Zone - there is streak of homosexual tendencies which are satisfied by receiving oral. However he doesn't see it as 'gay' in him because he is not the one on his knees and he would rather have a relationship/marriage with a woman. He is, therefore, not just predominately straight (in his mind) but 100% straight.


I suspect that the pressures of society, peers, upbringing, religion, etc. have made it clear in his mind that there is only an all or none situation here. He is either Gay or he is straight. He can't be straight with a 5% tendency toward the gay because society never gives him this option.

Is he lying? On one level yes - a technicality level - but on another he is telling the truth. He sees himself as 'straight' because that is the only option that fits his needs/wants/desires/situation.

[megumidesu]

yeah i'd be more concerned about him cheating than whether or not he might not be totally straight ...

[Rosie]

Lots of straight men are willing to have a guy blow them, many many more than would ever admit it publicly! Through my relationships with straight women and men it seems that women who enjoy giving blow jobs, & men who are pleased with the quality of what they're receiving are few and far between. If you're not giving him head maybe it is something that he needs to feel sexually fulfilled. If you are maybe ask him to give you some tips on how to please him better. If you're enthusiastically blowing him perhaps he gets off on the taboo aspect of secretly getting blown by gay men. Maybe he is actually gay.
Since his cheating does not sound like a deal breaker to you it is important to find out what his true reasons for this are, and what you are willing to accept as part of your relationship. If you really just hate giving head is it acceptable for him to get it from someone else? If he's into the taboo aspect are you willing to role play with him? Communication is everything!

[southbiochem]

Hi everyone I created this account because I am in need of some advice.

I recently found out that my bf has previously been meeting up with men to receive h*ad. He claims that he is not gay nor bisexual. He claims that he is not at all attracted to men and that he has never had anal or anything else apart from receiving h*ad. He also has no problem performing in the bedroom with me and loves sex and gets turned on easily by me.

I'm worried that he may be too scared to admit that he is at least bi. So i guess i just want to know is it possible to be straight and not attracted to the same sex and yet engage in sexual activities with the same sex? Also is it possible to be gay and still love sex with women and get turned on by women and have no problem reaching climax/performing?

Any advice is appreciated.

I do hope, first, that when you say previously, you mean before you were in a relationship, otherwise he's cheating.

Second, as already posted, how does this make you feel?

Third, many men are oblivious as to what causes satisfaction to the penis...and given how many gay men love to give head and I guess know how to do it very well, then sure....a straight guy that's not grossed out by having a guy doing it or who are not raging homophobes can perfectly want that...

unfortunately it is you who know him..therefore, only you can tell whether he's actually hiding something (does it seem like he's not telling you something?) or simply wanted to blow off some steam...

being bi, or gay also implies having emotional attachment towards other men, and it's not just about sex.

you can ask him about it, but be weary that the question could bring a bad reaction on his part...only you know him to discriminate whether you can ask him or not..

[Woollyhats]

Hi, trying something new here by responding via mobile...

ALSO: I write this assuming he had sex with men before the current relationship. If he is having sex with men NOW without having told you, he's cheating -- which is damaging to you (think STI, your own pyschological well being), and something serious you need to either work out together immediatly or separate from... I'll always lean towards the latter, but I don't know your circumstance.

With that noted, I'll be brief. He obviously enjoys male company, but probably doesn't imagine having a relationship with a make, so identifies as straight.

Sexually, he likes both genders.

However... The question you need to ask yourself is whether or not that's important to you. In my opinion it matters more that he's faithful to you than any man it woman he might have once liked. That's what matters.

And, if you're ever talking to him about this, say it like that too. He might not want to sat he is bi because he worries about how you feel. So say "I don't care who you like, as long as you're faithful to me. I want to primarily to be happy and I want to love you for who you are.", and be might say he's bi at this, or make it out that you're making it too much of a bigger deal.

Either way he knows you still love him.

Edit: I'm not sure if this adds any credibility but my boyfriend is bi, and him being faithful to one person is what he takes pride in. In return, I have gotten myself comfortable with him liking both genders, and it's made us both closer as a result.