Hi I am new and I need some advice

[tiredofmex]

I just joined and I need some advice and support here. But first I will introduce myself. I am bisexual but I like women more.

Ok here's my story :

I want to talk about my ex. This is my story about the only woman I ever loved. She dated guys when she was younger so I knew there was no way I would have a shot at her. But years and years after, she admitted to me that she did have feelings for me. In fact, she fell in love with me. We grew up in the 80's. I loved her pretty much from the first time I saw her. So as soon as she told me how she felt about me, we started dating. Things were great for the first two months but then she started cheating on me with different people. I was devastated! She ended the relationship with me earlier this year. She met another girl at her jiujitsu school. She started talking to her and as time went on, she ended things with me and is now with this other girl.

She blames me for the demise of our relationship. She said that she ended things with me because of my anger. That I am a horrible mean bitch because of all the mean things I said to her. Hello??? She cheated on me! And she cheated several times while she was with me! So yes, I grew very angry at her! Where I went wrong was that I said whatever came to my mind. I even called her a whore. So I know that was not right, but I also tried to talk to her in a civil manner, trying to explain to her how her cheating made me feel and how angry she had made me. She still didn't get it! I probably would've gotten a better response from a wall! She says that this other girl she is with listens to her, doesn't judge her or talk down to her. She can connect with her better than she did with me because I am always at odds with her. She says we are like oil and water since we were kids but hello? Why would she go after me then if she thought we were oil and water??? So what she does is blame me for all the of the issues we had without really acknowledging what she has done!

Now she is seeing this other girl who incidently just got married herself. She just got married last month to another girl but she is having sex with my ex! And my ex really believes this girl is a good person because she doesn't judge her or tell her anything about all the stupid she's doing! I think this other girl has absolutely no respect for her wife and is clearly into my ex! How is it that my ex can actually think that this person is good for her??? My ex threw me away like I'm a piece of garbage! For this other girl!

Now I must be clear...I want absolutely nothing to do with my ex! I know she is toxic and she doesn't have what it takes to make me happy. My ex has no heart. She has a battery that keeps her alive. She has ice in her veins! She doesn't care who she hurts. She only cares about herself. She has never had a successful relationship with anyone! Not even any of the guys she dated. She claims that I am too black and white and that I am in a box. She says that there are grey areas in a relationship and that I am not willing to accept that. That I don't look at things in the right perspective! She tries to justify everything she does and doesn't care what the consequences are for her actions! She defends this other girl she is seeing. Why she had sex with my ex while she married another girl weeks after! I am sick and tired of hearing my ex's excuses and I just want help here on how to get over her and can anybody please tell me what you think about her actions.

I want to know what all of you think about this??? I would certainly welcome any thoughts on this troubling situation that I am in!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

My ex of 14 years still lives with me and still is up to his old tricks, lying, sleeping around, selfishness, blah.

I can sit here and go off for hours on his 'problems' if I wanted to. Instead I choose to not focus on 'his crap' and focus on my own crap and wait patiently for him to stop doing that annoying thing he does.. you know - breathing.

I'm pretty good at this 'de-focus off his crap' but I admit I do have my days when he does something else to annoy me (beyond breathing) and it becomes difficult to not focus on 'that crap'.

There are five stages to grief: Denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance.

Seems to me you are still in the anger stage. Personally I waiver between depression and anger. I go back and forth with longer periods of accepting what is as it is.

Understanding where you are at will help to ease the inner conflict a little. It will also help you to see that you are processing through stuff and moving on - a bit.

Understand she is not going to change. She is who and what she is. And she is an Ex - so its really time to set the harder boundaries between your heart and her. Is she still living with you? If not then you most likely have an opportunity to stop talking to her completely. Do it.

Stop following her around on Twitter,Facebook whatever else and where ever else you get your news feed on her life. It is HER life here - Her choice to be with a married person, her choice to go out and sleep around her choice to do whatever it is she does.

You cannot change that for her.

Yes you are to blame - get used to this idea... YOU broke the relationship because someone just can't own up to their part in the break-up. Cannot is not the same as will not - she is most likely unable to see her part, not unwilling to, but just unable.

Granted she slept around, betrayed the trust, what ever and you are most likely innocent in that - but she is unable to see her part in this. Which from my experience and from what i have heard of so many other relationships where cheating takes place this selfish, unable to see their own part in it is typical of the cheater's mentality.

That is something you are going to have to accept. It is her problem, something that will undoubtedly lead to more relationship break ups, more issues and problems that she will have to deal with on her own without you. Because you are not her partner, thus she has no right to bring you her problems.

She most likely will try to drag you back into her shit. Just say 'no'.

Find something else to occupy your mind - any subject other than 'our relationship' and 'her'. Yes it may be hard at first - but it gets easier with practice.

I know you are hurting, I know what it feels like, I know the anger, the sorrow the greif - all of it. I empathize with you.

You will get over this... in time.

Time wounds all heels, and time heals all wounds.

Be good to you.

[nfisher1226]

First off you weren't wrong to call her to the carpet. Stop feeling bad about it. She slept around. We have words for people who behave that way and you used one or more of them. So what? You weren't lying or slandering here, you used a descriptive term in it's appropriate context.

Second, do try to move on. It's a long process sometimes but the sooner you start the better.

Lastly -

[yoyoyo148]

I know that it's not easy to get over someone even if they fucked you up. You don't see people on the inside of them so you fall in love with them just like that, you think the person you love is the most beautiful person, from the inside out. Time flies and they start showing you who they really are and they can't help it. I think she actually knows how hurtful she can be and she is trying to avoid her conscience by making you feel like you caused all this. Some people are inclined to cheat, some are so faithful that it'd make you surprised and some people avoid relationships and they are probably scared of getting fucked up again, experienced similar things.
Everything you experienced and went through taught you something. Thanks to those "somethings" you won't make the same mistakes or get fooled(not saying ever, we're human beings after all) that easy. Keep looking, you'll find someone who's actually worth it.