Tearing me up inside!

[boy_toy_08]

Guys I'm distraught!

I live in a tiny isolated town in Scotland. My boyfriend isn't out and has ties here (work, family etc).

I hate living here, have fallen out with mates and family and I really want to move away. I've told my boyfriend and he said he doesn't wanna hold me back.

But I don't know what to do!! Help!

[malcs]

Dont know what to say but lota big hugs, why you fallen out with your family and friends?

[boy_toy_08]

I've just grown apart from my mates and it's a long story with my family!

I don't know what to do.

[Shadow]

By "I don't want to hold you back" do you think he means you can go but he won't follow you ? Or "let's go together" ?

At 16 it's kinda young to be looking to move away from everything you know is my honest concern ... would you move away to be with friends ? Relatives ?

How old's your boyfriend babe ? Does he have his own place ? Could you perhaps move in with him for a short while until this storm abates a touch ?

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[boy_toy_08]

Shadow I have my own house (well council house!). He lives alone but is not out and has ex wife etc vising a lot.

By I don't want to hold you back he means he can't leave and doesn't want me to stay ehre if he's the only reason why (which he is!)

and he wants me to meet someone my own age, he's 42.

But i LOVE him

[Shadow]

You have your own council house at 16 ? Wowzers !!

I think if you guys sit down and discuss it from start to finish you will come to the realisation that you can work through any obstacles that lie before you, as long as you're doing it together ...

... the biggest obstacle I perceive in front of you at the moment is the most obvious, which is that you have to decide in your own mind whether you want to move away more than you want to be in a relationship with your boyfriend ...

... if he can't/won't move, and you can't/won't stay, then you have to make the call as to which gives - your desire to move away, or your relationship - I don't envy you, as it's a tough decision, and warrants thorough consideration before you make a call on it ... but I'm sure I speak for everybody when I say we're happy to advise if you like xx

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[boy_toy_08]

Well it's getting me down living up here! And I hate that I can't propely be with my bf- as in live with him or go out as a couple BECAUSE he's not out, he also has 2 young kids....so he HAS to stay here.

We've discussed it and all it relly comes to is a crying session with him telling me do whats right for me and he'll still love me either way. WOudl eevryonm tell me what they would do?

[marshlander]

What a nightmare, Rob I was under the impression that your b/f still lived with his wife and family, but since you say he is in his own place, I would want to think very carefully about priorities were I in your place. His are obviously with his family and I can fully understand that. My kids are all grown up, but Albert would never attempt to make me choose between him and them. However, staying in the closet was never an option for me once I was divorced. It made me very unwell and unhappy and it was absolutely the right decision for me to start living my life openly as a gay man. I'm sorry that your man cannot see this because while being gay may be difficult for him (for whatever reasons) you have a helluva complicated life already. His inability to be open is an added stress that I think must at some level add to your difficulties. The pattern of discussion, crying, indecision is not going to change any time soon, I suspect. He is clearly unwilling to make any further sacrifice for you, otherwise his problems would not be a dominating factor in your relationship. Is it possible that there is a co-dependency element to your relationship?

A lot of young people find a move to a city where they can be more open and at the same time anonymous themselves is actually liberating. If your sole support network consists of a man who can't leave a past life behind how many favours are you doing yourself by staying?

Since you are in council accommodation already it strikes me that you may have more freedom than many to move and make some changes. What would it cost you to go and have a word with the local housing officer, or whatever you have in the far north and enquire about the procedures for exploring a council exchange? Not more than a bus ride into town I expect. Years ago when I lived in council houses all housing offices kept a list of people who were looking to transfer into the area. If you could find someone in, for example, Edinburgh who wanted to swap it could work ... Bear in mind though that the grass is rarely greener elsewhere. It worries me that you've fallen out with your friends. Can you be sure that you would not just be taking your problems with you elsewhere if you moved?

Obviously you have to do the soul searching that has already been suggested by others. Sixteen year olds all round the world are considered old enough for most adult activities and you've certainly faced tough circumstances that have forced you already to deal with problems that are not the normal province of a sixteen year old in our kind of culture. If the problems with your family are beyond your present resources to repair what do you have to lose?

Moving to a new area will not solve all your problems, but it might enable you to slough off everyone else's expectations and offer you some wider opportunities for picking up your education again, finding a job, meeting and making some gay friends your own age, hooking up with a more effective and active local support network.

After you've thought about whether you can afford to do it you might also consider whether you can afford not to do it :confused:

Like I said earlier, this is a tough call whatever you do. Keep in touch and very best wishes as you work out your decisions. If you think we can help you know where we are.

[boy_toy_08]

It's not a question of sacrafice, I would NOT let him leave his kids. He is self-employed and up here it's a death sentence to his business if he were to come out. Trust me, it's easier that he's not out!

I was contemplating moving even before I fell out with family etc. The long and short of it is, I can't decide whether to stay here and hate it but be with my love. Or leave him and move away, he suggested a long distance relationship but we both know it wouldn't work out.

People up here are narrow-minded and know me, thus I get physical and verbal abuse and cannot handle it much longer. I am visiting a gay friend in Nottingahm from this sat onwards for a week and then a gay friend in Edinburgh for a week after before returning home. I really hope this gives me some insight into what else is out there for a young gay man.

I rely on my boyfriend and he supports me so much, I feel like I NEED him. However if I were to disappear out of his life, he would e upset, but he doesn't rely on me like I rely on him! He's probably one of the only people I see up here. I feel like I need more friends, but I burnt my bridges when I came out!

[452]

I'd move. But of course that's coming from me, the loner's, point of view. From the time I was interested in anything, I made a vow to myself that I would never let anyone or anything stop me from achieving my goals. That of course would be, become a biologist, move to Siberia, and study polar bears before they become extinct.

In your case, I understand the whole small town deal, I live in what's called The Bible Belt, which is a huge group of conservative Christians that hate anything that's at all un-Christian. I'm not gay, I understand that, I understand that I don't have to deal with what you deal with, but I deal with my fair share of things. Mostly the barrage of Christians trying to sway me to become one. {Trust me, that's never going to happen} I was talking to somebody about my opinions on gay marriage and one of my {now ex-}friends walks up and just completely bad talked them. I narrowed my eyes at him and fought the strongest urge to fuck!n' tackle him. Later we talked about it again on MSN and the things he said actually made me have to get up from the computer and go cool off. I try not to talk to him anymore.

Oh yeah, back to you. If he wants you to be happy, and you're not happy where you are, then you should leave, even if you do love each other. You're young, you still haven't explored the world. It's full of other guys, and by the sound of it, your current boyfriend will always be there for you.