What can I do if my parents don't like my boyfriend and think he's a criminal?

[Anonymous]

So I’ve really big trouble with my parents. My parents know I'm gay and they have no problem with it, but they have some kind of problem with my boyfriend. I won't say I come from a wealthy family, but I've never lacked anything in my life. Then I met a wonderful guy, we're dating for a year. He comes from a totally different society and although he cannot give me much of a material things, it is so outweighed by all the love, time and attention I receive from him. I guess my parents don't realize that people are different and they look at him as if he would be some drunk and dirty homeless.

The other thing is his family. He doesn’t really have a family. His father is in prison for killing his mother and his grandparents, who brought him up, died a few years ago. He doesn’t have brothers or sisters, so he’s totally alone. Well, now he has me. Actually I regret introducing him to my parents. I really thought they would understand, but instead they started to talk something about bad blood and being a criminal. They also don’t like that he doesn’t have high education. Yes, he hasn’t studied in university, but that doesn’t mean he’s a fool. On the contrary.

I cannot even take him to my house. Unfortunately I'm still living with my parents. As they see him, my parents become extremely impolite and cold. My mother even told to me to look after him so that he doesn’t steal anything. I don’t understand this attitude. All his life he has fought in order to survive and now he’s also working hard to support himself and also me a bit. Sometimes we think that I might move in with him, but the problem is that right now he can only afford to rent a room and there won't be enough place for both of us.

He sees that my parents don’t like him and he keeps asking me why and what can I say him? I love him so much, but my parents are bugging me everyday to break up with him and choose some other guy. Why are they doing this?

[MisterTinkles]

Cause thats what parents do.

You effectively brought home a "bad boy". Parents dont like "bad boys" or "bad girls".

If you decide to keep seeing him and things get more serious between you two, then it will be up to your BF to decide if he wants to show them he is not the sum of his family background, but someone better and worthy of being with their son.

He will have to prove himself to your parents for them to see him as the man he wants to be, not the thug they perceive him to be because of his family background. Be warned, it could take years, if you decide to get serious with him.

Its what parents do.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Parents can be over protective, and this sounds like exactly that.

Its clearly an issue for you, since what they are basically saying is that they don't like your choice of bf. This can happen irrespective of your sexual preference.

Look at it from their side, he's "stealing" you from them! Its a perfectly normal parental reaction.

I don't know if your in a position to take a stand on this. If you are, then you need to make it clear you come as a couple. That means if they want you around for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, its both of you or neither.

At the moment he's an unknown quantity to them, but the fact that you have been together a year should be a clear indication that things are fine.

Maybe you need to sit them down (or mom or dad - is one more negative than the other?) and just spell it out to them how you feel and how Mr X is good for you.

Good Luck,
ObW
X

[matty7]

so quick recap - your parents hold it against him that his father murdered his mother,, but hes survived that trauma - then he's taken in by his grandparents, so he survived the trauma of loosing both parents and placed with older grandparents who do their best to raise him !! and it sounds like they did it with limited funds that didn't allow for a college education , then hes see's his grandparents pass away too without the help of siblings or any family support - and up to know hes been supporting himself dispite the economy been terrible, lack of jobs still terrible but hes managing --- and your parents find him beneath you,,,they are looking after you and your best interest but as you talked about money matters I guess they got up the social ladder that means people below you are not equal - and that just life mate,, sad but true...you stay with your bf and you may end up with ultimatums form your parents if they simply don't trust or even want your boyfriend in your life ...or theirs

[Woollyhats]

The longer you're with him, the more accepting they will be of him, as long as he continues to make you happy and doesn't hurt you or anyone in your family.

If the attitude of your parents doesn't change, they become the ones with the problem.

For now, they are being careful and protective. It's a good thing...

[southbiochem]

Parents can be over protective, and for a guy with the background that your BF has, that always sets off alarms..

now, If you know for a fact that there's no such thing as "bad blood" and that his family's background has not made him instantly a murderer and a criminal,

furthermore, if you know that he cares for you, shows you respect and love, works to sustain himself and you and he is honest and a reliable person.....

then, f*** with what you're parents think

they maybe never Ok with him, it's not on them to tell you who should you date or not..

it's you who need to be sure that the person you date loves and respects you..

whether he has the most horrible backgroung or comes from the "best" family, you don't date a person who's abusive towards you and from what you describe of this guy, he is not..

Now, regardless of ignoring this one bit of opinion, do keep in mind that they have you're best interest in their heads, and they love you, which has lead them to act the wrong way.

I will advice you though, to keep in check any type of issue that this guy has or can have due to his childhood...not saying he will have them but itps a possibility..

with support and love towards each other you 2 can have a great life.

[matty7]

I should say that its so easy for us to criticize or judge from a distance and we all have our problems that we just cant see or solve ourselves but I do hope you work this one out as you care for this guy so much , that much is obvious

[Rosie]

I think it's awful that your parents are judging your bf for things that are entirely out of his control. If he chose not to attend college (it's never too late you know) but is a hard working man, that is his decision. A college degree is not something that everyone wants, or even that everyone is capable of achieving, but that hardly makes him a bad person or a bum. If you love your bf and he treats you well than I would let your parents know that you love them but that your bf is going to remain a part of your life so you would appreciate if they gave their blessing. I liked the suggestion about holiday dinners, it's both of you or neither of you. Take a stand for the one you love, if he treats you as well as you say that is worth so much more than money.

[Vigilias]

Bottom line: Your in a relationship with him - not your parents.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

To be contrary to Tinkers the Kat... Your BF doesn't have to demonstrate anything beyond his love for you by not treating you like shit or beating the crap out of you.

If you parents don't like that that is their problem.

All his life he has fought in order to survive and now he’s also working hard to support himself and also me a bit.

Tell that to the parents directly, and thank them for your upbringing and make it clear that you will disengage yourself from them financially as soon as humanly possible - which means you get a part-time job and help your mate to support you.

Its holiday season, the stores are hiring part-time work, and if you do a good job, make yourself totally available to fill in for the countless who will call in 'sick' day after day, the position most likely will be more permanent.

Yes, as a matter of fact is is a crap job, with lousy pay and no benefits, but it places you in a position where you do not have to rely on your parents thus enabling you to make it much clearer that if they don't accept you and the man you love, then you will find some other more friendly, tolerant area to spend time with the man you love.

Their behavior for any reason is in my books intolerable and inexcusable. Your BF is doing that which any human being can do and that is his best.

My hat is personally off to him for having gone through so much and managing to get where he is today.