This is my first post. Sorry if this is a bit long, but I'm mega confused on this. I have a straight friend I met three months ago at the start of college who's 24 (I'm 18, btw). and who I am very attracted to. Aside from that, even though he has certain personality traits that prevent me from feeling any serious romantic interest (Thank heavens), I still think highly of him. That being said, I still feel an attachment to him that's more than physical. It's hard to explain.
Anyway, three weeks ago I had my birthday party and I invited him. We had both considered each other good friends by this point. Another friend of mine, who's a girl, was also there. She knows my feelings towards him as best I can explain them and he knows how I feel for him again as best I can explain. I could tell their attraction and two days after the party I talked with him, and I said that I would be very uncomfortable with him hooking up with a friend, which he said he understood, and wouldn't rub the fact that I can never have him in my face. She also made it clear she understood how I felt.
Last night, after she changed her Facebook relationship status, she told me (in a conversation I started) that her new boyfriend was my friend, and that they had been seeing each other since the 13th. That's two weeks of them going behind my back after having lied to my face, which started just two days after these conversations where my feelings about him hooking up with a friend were discussed. The biggest thing is, they exchanged numbers when he gave her a ride home from my party, which means it was always their intention to hook up and start seeing each other regardless of how I may or may not feel or what I may or may not think, so why even bother pretending like I mattered at all?
I'm sorry this is so long. I guess it's just that now I feel lied to, disrespected, and betrayed, but neither one of them sees it this way, especially not him, and he insists that not telling me was not lying and his way of not rubbing it in my face.
I don't have ANY issue with them genuinely liking each other and wanting to date; I would've been uncomfortable at first, but embraced it... but they didn't just make this clear and be direct and honest with me from the start. My issue is the lying and sneaking and all of that, but neither of them feel like I have any right to be upset, and now I'm on the verge of losing them both because they can't see my side even though I'm more than willing to see theirs. He says he was protecting my feelings and I have no reason to be upset (and insists that my friendship means something to him, even though he's willing to just drop it if I can't get my shit together, apparently). She also feels like I have no reason to feel lied to and don't have any rights to the details of their conversations about me in regards to their relationship. Am I wrong and overreacting or do I have a reason to be upset and hurt?
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Oh... my... god. This exact thing happened to me just three weeks ago. My brother's "straight" friend confessed to liking me, saying that I'm the only guy he could ever like and blahblahblah. I hung out with him & he said he didn't want to take me home, that I should just spend the night with him and cuddle... So I did. The next day, my best friend comes over to sell him some pills & everything seems alright. We're all having fun and hanging out. Well, the day after that, I get a call from my best friend, Ashley, telling me she performed oral sex on him. I was not so much pissed at the guy as I was my best friend. After telling me, she refused to talk about it anymore and wouldn't even acknowledge that it happened. Needless to say, I just dropped it. I used to make big deals out of things and care too much, but now, I feel like there are more important things to worry about than who wronged who. I don't even get mad anymore, I feel like it's a waste of energy. I just move on and worry about myself.
In my opinion, they feel like you're mad at them for what they did and they don't want to be confronted about it, so they're basically pushing you away saying you have no reason to be mad. From what I read (and my own experience), you're not so much mad at WHAT they did, but WHY they did it? There's a big difference. It's not like you want to break them up, you just want to understand why they felt they had to be so sneaky and lie about it. Try sitting down with them and telling them that... That you're not mad at what they did, but how they went about sneaking around/lying about it. You just want to understand, not break them up or make them feel guilty about it.
...or something.
Don't listen to me. I give bad advice... NEXT!
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My dear sweet philsguy95....
he is STRAIGHT....stop a moment, breath and remember...he is STRAIGHT..
nevermind who he ends up with: you will be pissed, upset and sad, because you have feelings for him.
I have been there...one too many times and I understand all to well how you feel..
sure, it would have been nice they had hinted you something about it...instead you had to find it out that way and now you feel left out and hurt..which are all normal reactions towards the situation, and what it's worse, they will be together regardless of what you say, and if you do keep adressing the subject the word "annoying" and "jealous" will start to pop out..
yes you heard me correctly, they will more likely than not drop the understanding and start making you the bad guy....unfair? It is...you don't deserve it...but it's reality..
You will do this, and I get it maybe hard..:"you 2 hurt me, and I don't need to explain any further why..deal with it as you like"
then study if you can be arround them and not be upset, if not..distance yourself from them a bit..no, son't drop them as friends, just taje care of your feelings, otherwise you will end up resenting them.
Finally....drop it...he's straight...outgrow your feelings for him...take advantage of the fact that you're 18, starting (if not started already)college, or any other type of scenario, but different than high school nevertheless..
(I'm not saying it's easy or instantaneous, but it can be done)
meet other people...search for other gay guys out there who can and will like you back....and then, enjoy life
best of lucks
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What I feel is more than friendship, but less than any serious romantic inclination (he'd be an awful boyfriend if it were possible, haha). I think it's because I have just started college and he's really the first guy friend I've made (I only have two others, really), that I feel uneasy. I've looked inward and been honest with myself about the things I have going on inside me that have made this more intense, but I still feel wronged. I'm happy they have a shot at being happy, but they way they handled it is what's getting me, and the apparent indifference is hard as well. You're right, though, I need to look out for myself in this and try to move on. Thanks so much!
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Hello, PhilsGuy, and  to GaySpeak. I think, from what I read, that you've accidentally put some pressure on them both, not to lie to you but also not to feel an attraction for each other. This is all fine, and they could have promised all sorts of things to you and yet have fallen for each other. I can understand that they tried to keep this from you, at least for a couple of weeks.
What's more, do you honestly think anyone knows where their relationship is going after two weeks? It's a fallacy to think that such a relationship starts right there and then, and then it's an "item" until they break up. There will be a period of them wondering whether they really like each other, whether they want to have a relationship, whether even they can have a relationship with all the restrictions that we put on ourselves for various reasons. They'll be wondering if they are doing the right thing, as far as they are concerned, not even in relation to anyone else's thinking, their parents, their friends... They'll be wondering when and whether to kiss, when and whether to start cuddling, when and whether to have sex.... Some people cut to the chase quicker than others, but even sex with a person for the first time doesn't mean it's going to become a permanent fixture.
There's an analogy here that I can draw for you. When a woman is pregnant, she'll generally wait about three months before she tells her closest and dearest, apart from the man she's having the baby with, who might know quite soon... This is because under three months, you could lose the baby, or not be sure you want to keep it. It takes time to adapt to a new relationship just as it takes time to be ready to tell others that we're in a committed relationship, one that others can now regard as serious and maybe long-lasting.
Remember, how long did it take you before you knew for sure you had feelings for this boy? Will this ever lead anywhere? Other than a friendship with this straight man, you've got better fish to fry by looking elsewhere for romance. This is a case of getting over it and remaining a good loving friend to that newly-formed couple.
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have you thought that they kept it from you so as not to upset you ? they both know your feelings for him so maybe they thought for the time been that not saying anything would be better (not saying they are right or wrong)...there is no perfect way to tell you about their dating,, its a loose loose situation, you may have to find a way to get passed your feelings of been mislead or you risk loosing them as friends
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I read your thread twice. You made your feelings known. They ignored you, lied and snuck around behind your back. These two people are not friends of yours. They are and continue to be disrespectful of your feelings. Dump them both and make new friends. You are a sensitive guy and some people will fall for you as a friend or a lover.
Don't waste time or feel guilt towards people who stabbed you in the back. MOVE ON and remember the experience. Don't do it to others. Respect yourself and your own feelings. You are not overreacting. You should feel hurt. They hurt you.
Good luck!!!
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xzeik Wrote:Oh... my... god. This exact thing happened to me just three weeks ago. My brother's "straight" friend confessed to liking me, saying that I'm the only guy he could ever like and blahblahblah. I hung out with him & he said he didn't want to take me home, that I should just spend the night with him and cuddle... So I did. The next day, my best friend comes over to sell him some pills & everything seems alright. We're all having fun and hanging out. Well, the day after that, I get a call from my best friend, Ashley, telling me she performed oral sex on him. I was not so much pissed at the guy as I was my best friend. After telling me, she refused to talk about it anymore and wouldn't even acknowledge that it happened. Needless to say, I just dropped it. I used to make big deals out of things and care too much, but now, I feel like there are more important things to worry about than who wronged who. I don't even get mad anymore, I feel like it's a waste of energy. I just move on and worry about myself.
In my opinion, they feel like you're mad at them for what they did and they don't want to be confronted about it, so they're basically pushing you away saying you have no reason to be mad. From what I read (and my own experience), you're not so much mad at WHAT they did, but WHY they did it? There's a big difference. It's not like you want to break them up, you just want to understand why they felt they had to be so sneaky and lie about it. Try sitting down with them and telling them that... That you're not mad at what they did, but how they went about sneaking around/lying about it. You just want to understand, not break them up or make them feel guilty about it.
...or something.
Don't listen to me. I give bad advice... NEXT!
Not to go into needless details, but I too have been in a VERY similar situation. Is it just me, or are hetros sneaky, shifty, and untrustworthy as a whole...?
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gilhooly Wrote:I read your thread twice. You made your feelings known. They ignored you, lied and snuck around behind your back. These two people are not friends of yours. They are and continue to be disrespectful of your feelings. Dump them both and make new friends. You are a sensitive guy and some people will fall for you as a friend or a lover.
Don't waste time or feel guilt towards people who stabbed you in the back. MOVE ON and remember the experience. Don't do it to others. Respect yourself and your own feelings. You are not overreacting. You should feel hurt. They hurt you.
Good luck!!!
Gilhooly and I don't always see eye-to-eye on things, but on this one we do. They aren't true friends. Not because they are into each other, but because they lied to your face without a second thought. Fuck 'em.
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I spoke to him tonight to clear up any misconceptions. He had trepidation/awkwardness about having the conversation in the first place, but I appreciated him doing it. He was forthcoming about helping me understand why he did what he did, and admitted that his misjudging my feelings on things was part of the problem. I made it clear that I was happy for him and I would never ask him or any friend to not take a shot at happiness on my account, and he made it clear that considering how he perceived my feelings (even though he admits he was wrong), doing what he needed to avoid hurting me was the logical decision in his mind, but he was wrong in gauging me. He never had any intention to stop being my friend, and he doesn't want me to feel awkward or nervous about coming to him for stuff, and that he would never do PDA with her in front of my face in case that'd make me feel weird and cause he's just not like that. There are still some things I feel weird about, but for the most part, the air for me is cleared, and I held my ground and carried myself the way I intended in doing so. For the record, I don't have feelings for him in a way that makes me jealous of his being with another. If I did I'd have never become friends in the first place. I may be 18, but I am OVER the whole "in-love-with-a-straight-dude-thing."
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