Best friend has become cold with me.....I suspect that's because of my being gay

[Anonymous]

So there's this one guy, who's my best friend. We know each other almost from the birth, so almost 25 years. We grew up together, went to the kindergarten and later the same school. We were like brothers, no one is closer to me than he is.

For a very long time I didn't tell him anything about my attraction to guys, because I was worried about his reaction. I know him very well, however we had never talked about homosexuality, I was afraid that there might a possibility of him being a homophobe. And now few months ago I finally found the courage to tell him the truth about myself. And I realized that I was right, that he's not ok with it. He really didn't say anything bad, he was like "wow", but by the look he gave me I understood immediately that he's disgusted. I regret now that I told him that, but I was tired of pretending that I was interested in girls, and I thought that if I have to hide my sexuality from him of all people, then there's no one I can be honest with.

Now everything has changed. Suddenly he doesn't have time for me anymore. Before my coming out we met almost every day just to chat in some cafe. Now every time I want to meet him, he makes up some excuse - he has to work, he has to study, he's tired, he doesn't feel well and so on. He almost doesn't talk to my anymore, he answers if I ask something and so, but he's not telling me anything about his life and stuff. When I tell him something, he's very serious and doesn't even look at me. I asked him what is wrong, he says that everything is ok, just his life is a bit different now. How can it be that his life changed in the same minute I told him I'm gay? I asked him if he's worried I might come on to him ( I would never do that although I like him). He said no. I asked if he's not ok with having gay friend, he said he is ok and that he doesn't care with whom I sleep with.

What else can I ask? His attitude hurts me a lot. I miss his friendship, his support, his warmth. What can I do?

[matty7]

hi and congrats on having the courage to tell him,, not every coming out story has the happy ending though, maybe giving him some space and if you do meet then don't put the gay issue first - if he has some space without you he may realise that he misses his friend , you cant force people to like you when u hit them with a bombshell like that , and as dumb as it sounds to us its a big thing to straight people - maybe he does think you may been keen on him even though you've know him all your life - who knows how he's processing this new information about his best mate - patience may be the best thing here

[MisterTinkles]

He's not much of a friend. "Gay" has nothing to do with what kind of person you are.
I say leave him alone to his own stupidity.

[jimcrackcorn]

Life-long friends can be very close to one another, with a love for each other that is quite similar to a family member.

He may be experiencing some of the symptoms that family members experience when their child or brother/sister comes out as gay/lesbian. Denial, confusion, anger, guilt, bargaining, depression and disappointment. Usually followed with Acceptance, or Rejection, or Ignoring the issue completely.

There is very little you can do other than be patient and hope he will eventually accept you as his "gay best friend"....

[Lycanthropist]

I've been in your situation. There really isn't much you can do but chalk it up to life and move on. Yes, it'll hurt, but you won't gain anything by trying to force the friendship when it's quite obvious he doesn't want that.

[Vigilias]

Hi there.

Hmmm, sorry to hear about your friend, your life-long and presumably best friend.

As your news is out there, I think the only thing you can do, as Matty, suggests, is give him some space and time to absorb the information. Given enough time and distance from the issue he will either come round and realise how much your sexuality doesn't matter OR, or, he'll never speak to you again.

In the first case you will have realised what sort of person he is, a keeper or an Allie. Otherwise, he isn't worth bothering with.

There are no hard and fast rules on this one.

Just give it some time, as much as needed.

Good luck!

[southbiochem]

Well, first, congrats on your courage.

I believe you have experienced on of the downsides of coming out..even people close to you are not going to be OK with...

sure, we can give him the benefit of the doubt, but it's rather clear that he is distancing yourself from you because of your revelation.

My advice....leave it be...

if indeed he was worrying about something else, it should solve it self eventually..

if not, and he definitely pushes you away, than he has made his stance with respect to what you said..

so, you'll move on, meet new people who will be ok with you, keep those who you already know that will be ok with you (there will be) and live life

Don't let this particular experience keep you from going on with this path...as you said it
it's right for you

[philsguy95]

Hearing something about someone that you didn't know before, especially someone you're very close to, can bring on a lot of mixed emotions. His not being forthcoming is creating a confusing situation for you, so it's understandable that you respond by trying to reach out to him.

That being said, with everything he's experiencing, whether there's seemingly much of a reason for his trepidation to be around you or not, continually speaking with him is just going to make things more awkward and strange for him. I don't think it's fair to judge how he feels as stupid because none of us know the true depth of your friendship or how he honestly feels.

I'd say just give him one final, honest statement expressing your friendship and being upfront that you are who you are. Then, lay back. Let him come to you. If he doesn't, it will be difficult, but for the best. If he does, great. At least that way you cleared the air for yourself, regardless of how he chooses to proceed.

[Anonymous]

I understand that it's probably because of my being gay. But it's impossible to just move on and forget a person you've known for all your life. I would be ready to give him some space, if he needs that, but I would like to be sure if that's because of my being gay. Why does he say it's ok when it's not?

[TimU]

if you

asked him if he's worried I might come on to him ( I would never do that although I like him). He said no. I asked if he's not ok with having gay friend,

and he really replied

he is ok and that he doesn't care with whom I sleep with.

so

What can I do?

Wait. If he really doesn't care about your sexuality, if he values frinedship with you, if you precious for him as human being (even he hates homosexuals), he will back and your friendship will contunue as before. If it won't happen, unfortunately, he doesn't your best friend anymore. Of course you can contunue friendship, but according to you, it'll be

he makes up some excuse - he has to work, he has to study, he's tired, he doesn't feel well and so on. He almost doesn't talk to my anymore, he answers if I ask something and so, but he's not telling me anything about his life and stuff. When I tell him something, he's very serious and doesn't even look at me.

You can't change yourself. You - it is you, as you exist in this world. Hope you tried to explain him that you didn't change. You the same men as you were before, but just gay. If he can't understand and accept it, it's his problem. Maybe, now he thinking a lot t about it, and later will come back you. Or will finished frinedship. You should just wait, if you done your part.

P.S. Hope, my English was understandable.