Abuse. As a survivor of abuse I empathize with his plight. I'm going to try to convey to you where he is and what things are like from his perspective.
Abuse is Torture. Victims of Torture and/or
Abuse never get over it.
Never.
We learn how to cope, we learn how to fake a smile, and pretend that everything is ok. But the harsh brutal reality is that abuse/torture victims live with that event(s) for all of their days. We never recover, we don't 'get over it' we are in fact severely affected by the trauma in every aspect of our lives.
Oh this isn't to say we do not desire to be normal, that we don't desperately wish and pray and hope that we can one day live our life free of that trauma. All the wanting and wishing in the world does not undo the harm once harm is done.
No you can't see the connection because no one held you down and raped you, or did whatever happened to him. You can't possibly understand what it is to be him.
Even if he goes in for professional help, he won't be 'cured' of this. He may learn how to live a life, may learn how to ignore flashbacks and conquer the million and one minor barriers to happiness he will encounter due to his torture, but he will never actually 'get over' it.
Understand we live in a society where one of the biggest 'theories' about homosexuality is that all homosexuals were abused and
'made' gay by that abuse.
Every-time he reads that or hears is offered as a way to justify homophobia, or to take away the rights of LGBT, he is reminded that he was abused - might actually relive the event, might end up having nightmares that night of the event(s) he lived through.
So he comes out, suddenly he will be told over and over and over again that clearly he was 'abused' as a kid which made him gay. And since he was abused, yeah he will never - NEVER - be certain that he was born gay.
I still struggle with 'Was I born Gay, or was I made gay?' - I don't know, and there is no biological test (thus far) that I can have done that will give me a solid answer. I have personally learned how to ignore the question most days, and not let it bother me. But then its around 24 years since I came out of the closet I have had time to learn how to deal with and cope with the inner debate, the fears and worries that the question brings to mind. Trust me, when you are left wondering if you are honestly gay, or if you are just insane and this is your insanity, it does a number on all aspects of your life.
He most likely honestly believed/believes that love would carry him through the trauma of coming out, and he most likely spins on that far more than you can ever imagine. He might actually desperately hope that your love will 'fix' him. Many survivors of abuse seek a White Knight, hope and pray that if they find the right mate that their troubles will vanish and they will find normalcy and happiness.
You can ask several of my past partners what it is I expected from them. I expected their love to 'fix' me. Love never did, although they most likely wanted it to. Again, I have a couple decades of experience and living to give me a much more realistic approach to love and life. Live and learn.
Your setting a deadline on coming out is making his fear/stress over it far worse than it needs to be.
As for not putting pressure on him, well actually you placed a huge heap of pressure on him, you told him you refuse to love him unless he comes out.
And you are being sadistic, pushing and pushing and reminding him 'I will reject your fucking ass if you don't come out of the closet.' Yeah I know you didn't say it that way, but no doubt this is what he actually hears when you say whatever it is you say, no matter how nicely you say it.
Yeah I know, you
think made it clear - sorry no you didn't. You
can't make it clear to him. He will never - EVER - see the world like you do. Sorry. He
can't. This isn't an unwillingness, this is an
inability. Its like demanding a blind man to see the rainbow - he can't, no matter how much he may desire it, he is unable.
I have no idea how dependent he is on his family at this time. If he relies on them for anything, tuition for college/university, rent money, food money, he
has to
appease his family.
I have no idea how old he is at this time. If he is in his early 20's, give it about a decade. Yeah it takes a bit of time.
I can tell you this much, if he can break away from dependency upon his family, it will be much easier for him to come to terms with his homosexuality and eventually he will make the phone call and tell his family 'I'm gay'.
I have no idea what other harshness he has experienced from his family. So I can't give you an estimated date of arrival on the day when he will reach the point where he wants to tell everyone. It depends on what that harshness is exactly and how much it has affected him.
There is no doubt a clear and deep willingness and desire to give you what you want. Just like the blind man who desires to see the rainbow. I just don't think that at this time he is able to do this.
Eventually he will come out. When? I don't know, maybe tomorrow, maybe a decade from now.
Your choices are actually very simple here.
1. You can go on and try romance and be a supporter of him, and maybe introduce him to LGBT 'strangers' people who do not know the people he knows and is terrified will find out and put him in a position where he can 'safely' come out to someone just so he can have a couple three good experiences to bolster his confidence.
You can learn patience and hope that that patience gives him strength. It might. As long as you are not setting deadlines and threatening to not love him if he doesn't comply, perhaps the sting of the fear will lessen.
2. Dump him now.
I fear you ain't going to get what you want immediately. Clearly he can't (not unwilling, but is unable) to give you what you want.
You either accept this now, and learn patience and chuck this 'I must have', or you dump him and make it a very clean, quick break. There is no 'nice' way to force him to come out, and the longer you prolong this, the more damage you are doing.
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