Complicated Situation

[Anonymous]

I'll be as brief as possible.

For a few months I've been seeing this guy. When we first met I made it clear that I can't have a relationship with a closeted guy (which he is) but he promised me he'd come out for our sake. Since his surroundings are a lot harsher than mine ever were I decided to give him a lot of time but also made it clear that it had to happen in the not-too-distant future for our relationship to work. Note that I never tried to pressure him into coming out, I merely said that it would be fundamental for our relationship to work.

After many months of him shifting from wanting to come out to being absolutely terrified by the idea he finally promised me he'd do it after his university applications were finished. A few days past that date, however, he still refused to come out and started crying in front of me whilst telling a story of how he was raped by a man in his childhood, how it traumatized him and how he can't stand the thought of people around him treating him any differently once he comes out. I still don't understand the connection between the two but naturally I had to comfort him, assure him I was there for him and simply listen to what he had to say. He basically told me that he's still not ready to come out which means he's basically been deceiving me for several months.

Now, I made it clear when we first met that I refuse to be in a relationship with a closeted guy and this still applies. At the moment, though, he's so vulnerable and I don't want to hurt him any further. I've assured him that I'll always be there for him if he needs me but that it's only possible for us to be romantically involved if he's open about his sexuality. He wants me to give him more time but to be honest I don't believe his promises of coming out eventually anymore. What do I do?

[dfiant1]

Note that I never tried to pressure him into coming out, I merely said that it would be fundamental for our relationship to work.

Yep, no pressure there.

I still don't understand the connection between the two but naturally I had to comfort him

That must have been so traumatic for you, I don't understand how you could be with such a needy guy, he is obviously damaged goods and you should just move on.

He basically told me that he's still not ready to come out which means he's basically been deceiving me for several months.

How dare he, that is so selfish, he should be thinking more about your feeling and doing what is right by you. A relationship is 50/50 right? You are being so unfairly treated.

I'll always be there for him if he needs me but that it's only possible for us to be romantically involved if he's open about his sexuality.

Yeah, you are doing what is right by you, you have to look after #1 right? I mean love is so cheap that you can kick a guy to the curb because he is carrying baggage from the past like being raped and trying to seek support from his partner...ICK...I couldn't deal with that either. I don't understand how you can commit to staying in a friendship with him. You are so brave by fulfilling your obligation to not hurt his feelings.

What do I do?

Just continue as you are. It may take 20...possibly 40 years for you to learn your lesson, but it is going to happen, just don't lose faith.

But from what you have written, you come across as egocentric and self centred and everything is about YOU and the best peice of advice that I can muster for your apparent cold heart is please leave this guy so that he can get the love and support that he needs. He was sexually abused and you make it sound like he stubbed his toe and should get over it. He is never going to have the support he needs with you and the one thing he needs now is support, understand and patience...all qualities that you either do not possess or refuse to share.

[Merc]

He basically told me that he's still not ready to come out which means he's basically been deceiving me for several months.

There is a big difference between purposeful deceit and fear. He's scared. If you can't handle that, move on. Hopefully he will find someone who understands that people need to 'come out' when THEY are ready. Doing so is a personal thing, not a contractual obligation.

[Sylph]

[COLOR="purple"]Essentially I agree with Dfiant, perhaps not exactly in the same way, but he makes a point, however candid.

It does seem like you're asking more than what you can have with this fellow, and the smartest and most logical move, is to leave him.

It may hurt him, but sometimes your "help" can hurt more.

And as a side note, by making such a limitation and expectation of people, is indeed a sign of ineptitude in regards to being understanding and supportive.

It may make your life harder or so, by having to not be fully able to express you and your partner's love in more open ways, sometimes you have to work at love and progression and it seems as if you've moved well ahead of him, so only makes sense to stop dragging him along and let him find his own route at this point.

It's not like you can't be friends either :hugs-and-kisses-smi[/COLOR]

[Anonymous]

Okay, I had a feeling it was a bad idea to try and be brief because I left out a lot of important details. First of all, obviously I was devastated to hear him share his story. I cried right next to him as I hugged him and tried to reassure him that everything would be alright. I also understand that no problem I've ever had measures up to the awful, awful thing that happened to him and I doubt I'll ever be able to understand the hell he must have gone through.

Of course I'm going to be there for him. I'm the first person he ever told this to and I care for him a whole lot. I haven't been able to sleep at all since our conversation and I keep trying to figure out how to help him.

After he finished explaining, he asked me some questions about how I feel regarding the two of us as a couple now that he won't be coming out for a while. I found it very inappropriate to talk about such things after the previous topic but he kept pressing me. Like I said earlier, I find it impossible to be together with a closeted person. The past few months had been extremely rough on me for reasons I don't need to explain but that all relate to him being closeted. Since he kept pressing me, I finally told him that I don't think I can be together with someone who probably won't be coming out for a very long time. I went on to assure him that I'd never ever abandon him as a friend however but that we needed to talk under more calm circumstances.

What happened next was basically him asking me how I could leave him after he revealed his traumatizing past which made me cry even more. After all, I wasn't leaving him at all but rather doing my very best to be there for him as support and as a listener. What's going on right now is that he's trying to make me feel guilt over not wanting to pursue a relationship with him for being closeted, something I explained to him clearly when we first met.

Him having had a terrible past that still torments him does not CHANGE the fact that I can't be together with him. That is COMPLETELY unrelated to the fact that I can't be with him. I explained how I felt on our first date, months ago and he knew about the rules. Now he's making me feel like I'm a heartless, cruel person just because I want to support him as a friend rather than a lover. Hopefully this explains the problem a lot better than my first, clumsy post. I was just trying to get to the point as quickly as possible because I was afraid nobody would want to give me advice if I wrote a wall of text

[Anonymous]

But from what you have written, you come across as egocentric and self centred and everything is about YOU and the best peice of advice that I can muster for your apparent cold heart is please leave this guy so that he can get the love and support that he needs. He was sexually abused and you make it sound like he stubbed his toe and should get over it. He is never going to have the support he needs with you and the one thing he needs now is support, understand and patience...all qualities that you either do not possess or refuse to share.

I can sort of understand your response. The text in my "thread starter" was me trying to be as brief as possible and I do come off as cold and insensitive. Please read my second comment where I fully explain myself. I have lots of flaws but being egocentrical is not one of them. Most of my problems stem from the fact that I tend to put others in front of me and neglect my own needs.

[Anonymous]

Am I really a cruel person for not entering a relationship with someone who happens to be very vulnerable at the moment? You can't simply become someone's lover JUST because they're traumatized, scared and really want you to take that role. In the long run that would just be unhealthy and ultimately more hurtful. All I want is to help him through his loneliness and fear, but NOT as his boyfriend. Emotionally I feel cruel and vicious but when I think about it, the alternative makes no sense at all

[HumbleTangerine]

I feel like some professional help is much needed here. His problem is severe enough for that to probably be vital.

[Sylph]

Okay, I had a feeling it was a bad idea to try and be brief because I left out a lot of important details. First of all, obviously I was devastated to hear him share his story. I cried right next to him as I hugged him and tried to reassure him that everything would be alright. I also understand that no problem I've ever had measures up to the awful, awful thing that happened to him and I doubt I'll ever be able to understand the hell he must have gone through.

Of course I'm going to be there for him. I'm the first person he ever told this to and I care for him a whole lot. I haven't been able to sleep at all since our conversation and I keep trying to figure out how to help him.

After he finished explaining, he asked me some questions about how I feel regarding the two of us as a couple now that he won't be coming out for a while. I found it very inappropriate to talk about such things after the previous topic but he kept pressing me. Like I said earlier, I find it impossible to be together with a closeted person. The past few months had been extremely rough on me for reasons I don't need to explain but that all relate to him being closeted. Since he kept pressing me, I finally told him that I don't think I can be together with someone who probably won't be coming out for a very long time. I went on to assure him that I'd never ever abandon him as a friend however but that we needed to talk under more calm circumstances.

What happened next was basically him asking me how I could leave him after he revealed his traumatizing past which made me cry even more. After all, I wasn't leaving him at all but rather doing my very best to be there for him as support and as a listener. What's going on right now is that he's trying to make me feel guilt over not wanting to pursue a relationship with him for being closeted, something I explained to him clearly when we first met.

Him having had a terrible past that still torments him does not CHANGE the fact that I can't be together with him. That is COMPLETELY unrelated to the fact that I can't be with him. I explained how I felt on our first date, months ago and he knew about the rules. Now he's making me feel like I'm a heartless, cruel person just because I want to support him as a friend rather than a lover. Hopefully this explains the problem a lot better than my first, clumsy post. I was just trying to get to the point as quickly as possible because I was afraid nobody would want to give me advice if I wrote a wall of text

[COLOR="Red"]I'm sorry, but I have to laugh, because to me now, this just all seems like a clusterfuck and me personally, in my gay ass life, I don't need drama or confusion and would most likely just tell him what I feel, he don't like it, then I'm sorry we can't work this out it seems, bye.

Really, first you make it seem as if you're a douche' for basically prompting him, when he clearly doesn't want to come out and then now he's a guilt tripper who is obviously very insecure.

Now whether or not either of you are in the wrong per se, this whole situation to me just seems wrong and you two need to seriously consider talking this out like level headed ass adults, or quit it, cause even for me reading it, I feel tired.

And I'm just being honest, if it's one thing I don't like, it's the feeling of having to owe somebody something, so by you staying with him out of pity/sympathy and him using that to guilt trip you because he told you his past and all that, is something I would never put up with.

My opinion remains the same I fear.

If talking and working it out is out of the question totally, then leave him.

Do you both a favour. Hopefully on mutual/good terms, but hey.

[/COLOR]

[dfiant1]

Well, it may change my opnion a little, but I still think it is shallow to let a minor detail like being out or not influence how you love someone.

I thought love knew no bounds and by putting restrictions and conditions on love you are only limiting your own happiness.

I'm just saying.