So my best friend and I are in a friends with benefits situation and I have been madly in love with him even before we started this. He considers his self bi, but no one knows that he likes guys except for me. We do things that normal couples do like dinners, movies, gifts, etc and it's great. He knows how I feel about him, but when I talk to him about my feelings I usually get that awkward silence from him and I stop just because I don't like to make him uncomfortable. There has only been one time where he actually opened up to me and he told me he loved me and I know he really meant it. I have tried dating other guys and it just doesn't work out because I have these strong feelings about him. He doesn't really do much dating since he has this social anxiety problem which prevents him from actually talking to new people, but he has had quite a few random hookups, which I am not too happy about. We have both admitted that we both get jealous when we are with different people, but what I can't understand is why he won't put actual effort into monogamous relationship? I'm not sure what to do... :confused:
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Maybe he's not bi at all. He's just closeted. I met few guys who claimed to be bi but have never dated any girl. Your friend likes you but it's too difficult for him to engage in monogamous gay relationship because of social pressure. Being with you is very comfortable. He can do what he wants and you’ll be always waiting but it’s definitely not fair and I doubt he loves you. Say him what you expect and if he doesn’t want it just get rid of him. Don’t let to be manipulated.
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I think that a gay/bi relationship is always bound to throw up problems and extremely difficult to resolve. Unless he is willing to commit to a monogamous relationship then, I don't like saying it and you won't like hearing it, it seems almost doomed. Maybe some other members with more experience than I, will give you a more acceptable solution.
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Maggie the Cat from "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof." by Tennessee Williams
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Aww, that does sound like a hard place to be in. I know that my past experiences with bi guys haven't exactly been overly enjoyable, but that being said. I do think that there needs to be a crossroads here, there needs to be a firm choice set out there.
It's like, it's either he commits himself to dating you and being in a monogamous relationship if he really does love you. However, if he just simply is not capable of doing that, you need some kind of closure so that you can go on, date others, and move on with your life. It's not fair for him to leave you in a compromising position because in the end, you're in the worst position out of the two of you I feel.
So like, I feel like you need to be honest and open with him. You need to tell him that you can't do the friends with benefits if that's how you feel (which I think that's how you feel, correct me if I'm wrong). If he loves you, he'll either want to be with you or let you and your heart free.
That's just my opinion, that's what I'd do.
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Thanks for the advice you guys.
Krzysztof: Well I can't just get rid of him. He's my best friend first and foremost. Like writerbry said, I may just need to let the friends with benefits thing go. I'll go ahead and explain to him how I feel and get an honest opinion out of him. Hopefully it all turns out like I want.
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If I had to make a guess about it ,I would say that he has not accepted himself as being Bi.
You cannot make him accept it ,only he can.
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Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?
Yeah I know that is a straight people saying, but I think it applies to gays as well.
I mean here he has a good deal going on, he gets companionship and sex without all of the messy having to commit or dedicate himself to same sex, day after day after week after month - instead he can go out at ANY TIME and have sex with ANYONE ELSE and not have to worry that he is hurting this 'relationship'.
Why should he force himself to come out, or to commit, or to change this situation?
And he has you trained, all he has to do is give you 'the look' and you know to shut up about your feelings and crap. Sounds like the BF, erm, FWB has you exactly where he wants you.
Love - madly, deeply, totally in love with him??? Well love is a two way street, love doesn't mean using one person for ones own satisfaction, it means trying to please the one you love. Apparently both of you have strong self interests here. He gets to use you for sex and you get a pretend relationship and sex and to be with this guy who you feel for thus remain silent and allow yourself to be hurt so you can have 'at least that' with him.
You need to make some strong rules in your life and stick with them the best you can. I assure you the only thing that is happening here is that each time you start talking about your feelings and he tells you to shut up with that look of his, it plants a seed of resentment. Eventually there will be enough resentment where you will sabotage this 'relationship' or totally and completely go off on him one day and break it off...
This is not a healthy way to go about this.
The healthier way is to tell him - it was great while we were just friends with sex on the side, however now I'm emotionally attached and need more. If I can't have more with you then no more sex because it hurts me.
After all that is what is happening here - ain't it?
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I have this problem...
Keep us posted!
