Looking for advice

[Edward]

Thank you for sharing! In the end it doesn't really matter who you are as long as you are happy and accept yourself. Love yourself and it doesn't matter at all what others think.

[Jpalm0987]

I've thought about the possibility of being bi, and I have had a few female partners aside from my wife.

My wife was convinced I was gay because of our sex life, it was never very good. I don't mean like either of us were inexperienced, but I had times where I wouldn't get up for her, and even a few times I went down during sex. I also enjoyed her being the dominant one more during sex. I've never had those problems any of the times I've been with men. And while we were married, I wasn't with anyone else, so that had nothing to do with it.

I've been trying to fix myself since I was younger. I know it sounds weird. I am friends with a gay couple, one of them was married for 8 years and had 2 kids before he discovered who he was. I don't know statistics, so I don't know if he's like one in a million.

I guess that's why I'm so confused about everything. I just feel like the more I explore the feelings I've been repressing for all these years, the more I am beginning to feel like I don't want to be with women anymore, not just relationship wise, but as sex partners. I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I think of being happy long term, I don't see it being in a relationship with a women.

Or maybe I'm just crazy and I should go live in the mountains alone, lol.

[Jpalm0987]

Definitely Edward, simple but true.

[PenguinPecker]

I am pretty sure I am a gay man. I know that sounds very unsure, but let me explain. I have had feelings since I was young, but I have always tried my hardest to put them out of my mind. I have been in a couple relationships with men before, but as soon as they get serious I run away as fast as possible.

I am going through a divorce now, and my ex wife is convinced she knows I'm gay. I can't say I disagree.

I have spent my whole life trying to ignore my feelings, but it's getting harder to do every day. I even came out to my wife and a couple friends after our separation, but I immediately took it back and moved right back into a relationship with another women.

I know I sound like I am back and forth a lot, and it would be the truth. I just don't know how to come to terms with myself. I was brought up to believe being gay is the ultimate sin, and I resort back to believing that every time I make forward progress. I have sabotaged myself more times than I can remember.

I've gone on far to long now, but thanks for reading. I guess I am looking for advice, but maybe also anyone who's been through this.

I have been hiding it since I knew too. I'd never dated anyone but I knew. I tried to hide it and pretend I was straight. As soon as my best friend told me he thought I was gay, I started thinking about it more.
I never ran away from it. At the age of 21, I decided to do something about it. I am now dating my best friend and we're happier than ever!

If you're worried about what people will think, stop. I was worried. 100% of the people who know are proud of me for coming out and support us 100%!
If you're just unsure, then think back. Were your feelings strong for the guys you were with?
And were they real feelings?
Now think back to the women.
Were those feelings strong?
Were they real?

I know it's hard to think back to something like that, but try.
And if the feelings for both were strong and real, then I would say that you're likely bi (with a preference, if one is stronger feelings. Like, maybe you're bi with a preference to men if your feelings for men are stronger than your feelings for women.)

Try letting yourself get into a serious relationship with a man. Don't run.

I don't know what others will think of my comments, but I try to help. I hope you find the right person!

[Jpalm0987]

Yeah, worrying about what my family and friends will think is definitely a big one for me. It's definitely nice to hear from others who have experienced similar feelings.

[driftwood]

My wife was convinced I was gay because of our sex life, it was never very good. I don't mean like either of us were inexperienced, but I had times where I wouldn't get up for her, and even a few times I went down during sex. I also enjoyed her being the dominant one more during sex. I've never had those problems any of the times I've been with men. And while we were married, I wasn't with anyone else, so that had nothing to do with it.

It takes two to tango. If your sex life wasn't good, that could be her fault or your fault. Even if you couldn't get up - that could be her fault. It could also have been a temporary physical thing. Did you have the same problem with the next woman?

Many men prefer to be submissive. Ironically, it's usually the most powerful men who want to be dominated in the bedroom. It's not a problem; it's a preference.

I'm getting the impression your ex was simply bad news, and you're well rid of her. So things are looking up already.

[Jpalm0987]

I won't disagree she was bad news. She's pregnant with the baby of the guy who was supposed to be my best friend, and that happened before we started the divorce process.

I've had the same problem this time around too. I mean, we have had sex, more foreplay than actual intercourse. It just seems the more I start to bring up all the feelings and thoughts I've been hiding for so many years, the more I'm realizing I'm not the person I've worked so hard to make myself. At this point in my life, having been through a crazy marriage and so many failed relationships, I've realized I'm not happy being in a relationship with a women. It seems no matter how hard I try, something always feels off. I've just been fighting so hard against what I've been feeling, that I almost don't know what to believe anymore. Me and the girl I dated after my marriage just split up. Im just ready to actually be happy for once in my life, so I'm staying single to really discover myself.

My life is equally as confusing as it sounds when I'm talking about it. I actually at one point after my marriage ended told a couple friends I was gay, but as freeing as it was to say, I started hating myself again, and so again I got into another relationship with a women to try and cover up what I was feeling. I know that wasn't the right thing to do, but I'm hoping to leave all that in the past.

[Eth21]

Well I don't have the same experience as you but I dated some girls before I accepted who I was and I understand it's hard.
And I've recently came out to the family and freinds I was mega scared they would all hate me but each and everyone of them have taken it really well so hopefully when you decided and accepted and start telling ppl properly they will be just as cool!!!
But I wish you all the best, it's not an easy road to follow but it does feel better at the end!!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Well Bowyn Aerrow, that was definitely blunt and very well put.

I know I've made more than my share of mistakes, and I'm getting to a point in my life that I need positive change. I already plan on spending plenty of time single and soul searching.

Your right about why I wouldn't want to tell my parents. I am already looked at as the black sheep in the family, that would pretty much be the final nail in the coffin. Again though I realize that I would rather be seen for me, not a plastic mold of who they want.

And just in my defense, I didn't mess up my wife, she already was messed up. Before anything ever came up or out about anything, she got pregnant with my best friends baby, then told me that she was in love with him when we got married, that she never loved me. So it was doomed no matter.

I know the more I write, the more I realize how screwed up my situation is and the more of an asshole I sound like. But I am ready to just be alone and try for some positive change in the right direction. I sincerely appreciate the honesty of your post.

No your situation isn't that screwed. Honestly for your age and the circumstances you find yourself in you are about 'normal' in all of this.

The 20's are the second most high rate of development phase of a human life. The first is the first 6 years of your life, and most of that is physical development. Around 18 we leave home with all of this myth-conceptions about what being an adult is, who we are as a person, and then we meet the harsh cold reality which is life on earth without our parents protecting us as much as they did when we were a child.

Self discovery is what the 20's is chiefly about. You are in that phase, you are finding your footing and around age 30 suddenly all of that learning you have been doing is going to start falling into place, you will know for certain who you are, and depending on what lessons you have decided to learn on the road to 30 from 20, you will apply what you have learned with a bit more confidence.

All of this that you are going through right now is just more lessons, more learning, more experience which you get to decide which lesson you take with you into the future. Every story in your life has a moral - actually they have more than one moral.

So... My Wife Cheated on Me....

Hmm. Exactly what lessons are you taking away from that?

Is this situation with the wife the real underlying cause for your indecisiveness here about the whole gay thing?

Granted you have been with guys in a relationship sort of way.... I'm wondering if perhaps you are actually bisexual and were (past tense) easy with the idea of either/or gender and now suddenly after this horrible trauma that the wife did (being cheated on is a horrible trauma, don't kid yourself, its emotionally crippling for most healthy human beings for extended period of time), now you are weighing on the male gender side because somewhere inside of you you mayst believe that a man will do you right and proper.

What little you wrote there tells me you just went through some excessive emotional abuse. That is serious stuff to have your spouse tell you that they never loved you - Then why did you marry me? What was the plan? Surely those and many other questions went around and around in your head and your heart.

I think its time you pull out a pen and paper and start listing everything on YOUR plate - how you are feeling about every aspect of your life, the cheating, your job, the gay thing, you parents, your Faith, etc. etc. etc. Yeah its going to be a long list, you are basically making an inventory of who and what you are.

This is not a all in one sitting chore, this can take a month, perhaps more of chipping away at it. However, once you do write it all down, you will have a much better perspective on what really needs to be worked on NOW and what can be worked on later.

Setting priorities when you have no idea what all there is to be done is going to be real hard.

I suspect this question about homosexuality is related to other stuff, and you just need to list that stuff to see the connection for yourself.

Another way to do this is to hire a therapist to work with you in figuring out who 'I' is. They are expensive (trust me I went to enough of them).

[Jpalm0987]

Making the list is a good idea, it's something I've never thought about, and yeah therapists are expensive, but definitely an option I'm exploring.

Thanks to everyone for all the great insight, it's actually helped a lot to at least figure a little of this out, I'm sure the rest will come with work and time.