My boyfriend is asexual and agrees to sex just because of me

[Dreamer]

To be honest, I was kind of shocked. If he doesn't want it, then basically it's like I've been raping him all this time.

Damn, that's some hardcore shit.... when I read that part, my stomach began to twist and turn.... putting myself in your shoes, I'd probably feel the same way....

I don't know what to say to comfort you, or to solve this issue; unless you can sacrifice your sex-life for his predisposition, I don't see how it will work out...

What I will say is that it seems that your boyfriend hasn't any self-love, respect, or esteem.... for him to tell you that his feelings don't matter, that it's ok and he'll do anything to please you is more of a problem than his asexuality, IMO.

[CellarDweller]

I don't think likening it to rape is a good comparison, because he is doing this for you, and honestly, if it was totally revolting and horrifying as rape is, he wouldn't stay.

Quoting this, because it's the truth. Like Pix also said, he's consenting to have sex with you. He may not enjoy it, but he's consenting.

Rape is an act of anger, and forcing oneself onto another even though they say no. He hasn't said no to you, so it is not rape.

[Buzzer]

OP, I'm making one assumption here, but given that this whole thing caught you by surprise, it's not much of a leap. I'm presuming that your boyfriend was "functioning properly" in your sex life, since what you said clued you in that there was anything wrong was his enthusiasm or interest level, and not his inability to perform or maintain an erection or anything like that. If he had utterly no sex drive of any kind (even for masturbation) my assumption is you would have noticed this problem first. I would think any time he wasn't being directly stimulated, he'd go soft.

What that suggests to me is that this is not an issue of: he has no sex drive, no sexual desire, etc. This issue sounds fully psychological to me. He needs to (as another poster said) dissociate himself from sex and sexual activity. That does unfortunately very strongly hint at an abuse history. Not every victim of sexual abuse is willing to admit it right away, some are even in literal complete and total denial about it, and block it out, for years.

All of this under the disclaimer that I'm no expert, and that as others have said, this is something that probably needs to be examined by professionals. Does he have a history of therapy of any kind? A therapist's insights would help corroborate what he's saying, if it's the truth that he's simply asexual and that this is normal for him and not the result of a dysfunction or illness or problem (mental or physical.)

[marshlander]

Many people end up in mixed-orientation relationships. If he is asexual, this is what you are in. Dealing with being in such a relationship requires imagination, courage and trust if the relationship is to have any longer term prospects.

Although I admit there could be something psychological going on for him I am twitchy about projecting one's own interpretation of life on to another. Just because we might find asexuality unfathomable doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.

It strikes me as disrespectful to deny him the freedom to make decisions about his own sexuality. It doesn't sound as though you are doing this, but it does sound as though some of the other commentators are getting close to it and are encouraging you to do the same.

If he doesn't see a problem with his asexuality then, effectively, there isn't one unless you decide to make an issue out of it. That brings me back to working out how you manage being in a mixed-orientation relationship. You are both entitled to feel fulfilled.

Good luck.

[Vigarde]

I feel like I can somewhat relate with your boyfriend. Sex isn't something I need, desire, or sometimes even want in a relationship. When I was still with my ex he understood that, and never tried to force himself on me or push sex. Sure, we would occasionally have sex because I know he was hornier than I was (and it definitely helped him calm down if he was getting stressed). But whether or not you have sex with your significant other shouldn't be a deciding factor for a successful relationship. We loved each other for how we were as people, not because of the occasional sex.

My suggestion to you is to stop worrying about it. Since he's not dating you to get in your pants he must like you for who you are as a person (to me that's a really good thing!). If you get horny you can always go masturbate in the bathroom, I'm sure he won't mind.

[Buzzer]

I feel it may be useful to play a slight devil's advocate here, because I notice several of the posts heading "in one direction" on the topic of a sex drive/sexual disparity between two partners in a relationship.

If someone fully acknowledges about themselves that they either have no drive for sex at all, or very very little (to the point where they could easily go without it, and may even actually prefer to do so), is it not selfish to pursue romantic relationships with people who are sexual, and who would feel deprived or that they were engaging in a unilateral arrangement on the topic of sex within their relationship?

I suppose in a sense, I am curious why someone with no sex drive pursues a romantic relationship to begin with. I find the notion similarly puzzling as if a gay man were, on purpose, to pursue a romantic relationship with a woman, after having come out as gay, and fully acknowledging that he didn't have any sexual interest in women. What would be the difference between those two cases?

[Vigarde]

Two people can be romantic (candlelight dinners, dinner with wine, movie night on the couch while cuddling, holding hands while walking on the beach) without there being sex (oral, anal, vaginal).

Imagine older people, whose sex drives are long gone, who are trying to date. They'd be dating for the romance, not the sex. The concept doesn't seem weird/puzzling/confusing to me.

[Vigarde]

As for the "selfish" part... I think those, like myself, have a responsibility to be fair and open with potential partners about how they feel. If the potential partner isn't okay with the potential lack of sex, then they don't have to pursue a relationship with them.
I always tell guys who are interested in me that I'm not looking for anything sexual. It's best to be upfront about it from the beginning to avoid issues like this to begin with.

[Pix]

Just for the record I'm supportive of asexuality. But the asexuals I knew (and I knew a handful) didn't go around having sex with people just to be loved. And even when I had sex that I didn't truly desire I didn't "step out of my body" while doing it as whatever this guy is doing, I was there participating (sometimes pretending to enjoy it more than I did).

In any case it strikes me as questionable at best, similar to someone gay insisting on entering into a long term heterosexual relationship just so their family, church, and/or god loves them.

[partis]

I'm sure it's quite possible he's asexual.
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I think the question is, much much does it bother him to have sex? Or is he just apathetic? I mean, if he's willing to have sex with you, and it doesn't bother him, he's simply not horny, then maybe it's not a problem for him?

And if it is not a problem for him, to do this for you, you'll have to let go of all the guilt you may have about it, and trust that he wants to have sex with you, for you.

Why change ASEXUAL to HOMOSEXUAL ?

I know what i said, you idiot!