Drkmcnamara Wrote:You know I have read through all of your posts and well you all are right. I am a terrible person who complains way to much about life. It is time I got back control of myself. Who needs friends anyways?
Who needs acceptance? Who needs love?
Well I am going to show the world that my answer to those questions will be, "not me".
I see how it is and Bowyn Aerrow thank you for making me see the light. Even the guys who are nice to me are just faking it. You are right most gay men will play nice and I am sure most of the guys here are doing exactly that, just being nice. Even though in their minds they are saying 'OMG you are too ugly to be gay...' as well. You know the truth, that I am a horrible human being who needs to shut up about his feelings. Those few men who did say those things to me are just repeating what is already on everyone's mind.
Thank you for telling me truth of how horrible of a person I actually am. And of course you do know that being a chub (which I dont consider myself to be but I am percieved as that anyways) is a guaranteed recepie for making sure that you will be lonely for the rest of your life. They are the most hated and reviled men in the whole community and I guess I am a part of all of that.
I have a feeling you want me to kill myself otherwise why would you write what you wrote? At least you are honest and told me the truth. The truthvof how little a guy like me is valued, I guarantee you if I looked like an adonis and said I wanted to kill myself that everyone here would beg me not to do it because if I were an adonis I would actually be valuable to all of you. Instead because I am this ugly ogre I am having guys like you egg me on to do it.
I was a mistake anyways and be honest with me for once everyone, you know that I do not belong in this world just as much as I know it to be true.
At least you are honest and told me the truth.
Ah that is why. I am honest, to the point where I will point out the shit in a blunt way that often causes a person to react negatively.
Even after being shot for my bluntness (the "hunting accident") I still continue telling people exactly how it is.
Chub/Bear - I for one prefer guys with padding - which is to say moderately fat. I dislike popping abs to the point where sometimes I taste a bit of vomit rising to the back of my throat when I see them.
I am not alone that, there are a lot - a whole hell of a lot - of guys who are really size queens - no not necessarily dick size but into larger (therefore more masculine) guys.
You can't see the forest because of all the trees - I get that. Hell I have done the suicide thing myself. I killed myself 30 December 1994. I died - no heart beat, no pulse, no sucking in another lungful of air.
I know exactly what you are feeling. Been there, did that - I am most likely closing in on my next self murder due to a ration of shit that has been happening in an unending assault of 'bad luck' that is eroding what is left of my sanity.
January 2013 I put the muzzle of my side arm in my mouth... I came very, very close to splattering my brains across the wall. The only thing that stopped me was my concern that my roommate would flip his gourd and go irretrievable insane over finding THAT mess when he came home.
I even mentioned here on gayspeak AFTER I decided not to pull the trigger....
I toy with a bullet - granted I did the smart thing and all my firearms are now locked away half a state away from me in my brother in law's gun safe... but I kept a bullet to toy with, to contemplate endings with.
I know the struggle, I know what it feels like, I know exactly how much improved life would be if one could just stop all of that damned living.
I know what suicides do - because I have done it myself.
Right now you are in the 'I need attention' phase of your depression. Trust me you really don't want to die, something inside of you is still fighting for life. That is why you keep on posting, screaming for someone notice you.
Gods damn it man, I Notice you - I see you - And I am trying to reach out to you and rattle your cage and push you into getting help.
Its when you get all silent, and stop talking about it and only think about it that its a real problem as in a terminal problem.
I told you you are depressed, and that depression is what you are going on about. That whole 'everybody hates me' thing you are feeling is not because every body hates you, its because Depression is telling you everybody hates you.
Depression is telling you you are ugly as sin.
Depression is telling you that you are too fat to get a date.
Depression is turning every molehill in your life into an impassible mountain.
Depression has made death a far more attractive thing than life.
Depression is making you read my words and interpret them into 'you are horrible person'.
Please, give me some credit for my integrity and blunt truthfulness, if I thought you were a horrible person for even a moment I would have told you that point blank.
I guarantee you if you looked like adonis and were still depressed you would still be talking about offing yourself.
I hate to admit this but I'm not half bad when it comes to the looks department, I'm kinda easy on the eye if you know what I mean. But I don't feel it, I don't believe it - I have to rely on other people telling me 'you're good looking' to that godaweful 'God your cute'
(puppies are cute, kittens are cute - men are never cute... GRRRRR)
So 'goodlooks' and being 'cute' (grrr) won't make you less sad about stuff.
This is not an external issue here, this is an internal, in the head issue - this is Depression not your physical looks, not your physical health, this is mental/emotional health.