Frustration at not feeling valued

[Drkmcnamara]

I have been on a real depressive trip ever since I came out. My expectation was that finally I would find a community of people who would value me, accept me and see the good in me. How wrong I was. Instead many months after coming out and all I have found are guys that call me ugly, they shun me. Every good quality I do have they render irrelevant by saying that it does not count now that I am gay. They have shown me pictures of porn stars and tell me that I need to look like that in order for any guy to be intrested in having sex with me. The nicer tell me I do have a good personality but that will count for nothing if I do not have porn star looks to back up my inner qualities because it is the looks that get the guys to come through the door.
From what I being told from them and from what I am seeing in the gay media it just seems that it takes a lot of work to be gay. You have to be hotter, be smarter, be richer than the average guy to even be considered average in the gay community.
The demands are just too much for me too keep up but I am becoming increasinly convinced that they are right in what they are telling me. If they are I am screwed and I should just forget about sex unless if I pay for it and I should definitely forget relationships cause no guy is going to want to settle for anything less than a porn hottie with brains. Like this one guy who works in the porn business who has geeky side too, they introduced me to him and told me that he is the standard for guys in the community and that I should aim to be like that if I want to be accepted.
I can not be like that though even if I tried. I feel so overwhelmed and cursed because these requirements are insane but they do seem to be the standard for gay men. It has gotten so bad to the point where I am thinking about suicide. I have enough problems let alone this one warning me that any attempt on my part to have sex and get a boyfriend will be a dismal failure if I do not look like that Liam Magnuson guy they keep talking about.
If this is all really true then how can I be happy being gay? I would rather be dead than to live a life where I am so universally reviled and rejected by the beautiful people that populate the gay community. It is not a problem for most gay guys because most gay guys are attractive so this system works for them. Not for me though...no one wants to cuddle with me. I am feeling kinda suicidal right now tbh.

[CellarDweller]

You are falling into the trap of believing stereotypes and messages in the media.

You need to find a support group that you can go to, near where you live. Google it, or ask PFLAG, they can direct you.

[southbiochem]

you really need to meet new gay folks..

honestly..we are not all like those assholes

IT'S NOT TRUE..

we are not all demanding porn stars and models..

honestly..get out of that toxic evironment..

seemingly it's filled with shallow motherfuckers

don't fall for what they say...do not pay an ounce of attention to them

meet new people please, and don't stop trying, more than one will find you to be everything they hoped for

you don't have to change on account of a very limited number of gays, even if you have had the bad luck of meeting only that kind.

[MisterTinkles]

Forget stereotypes and labels.

Just be a good human being. If you are good human being...decent humans wont care about your personal preferences that aren't any of their business.

[Woollyhats]

No offence, but you seriously need new friends. These guys sound like jerks. Do they just keep you around to make fun of you????? What does that say about them???

There are basically no requirements to being gay. Basically, it's: Do you like the same gender? COOL, here's your special rainbow badge. Don't like rainbows? Don't gotta wear it.

Also, if you're comparing yourself to guys involved in pornography, you're already setting yourself up to unrealistic expectations. It'd basically be like having someone say, "This is what you gotta look like to be a super model", and then beating myself up because the body my mom gave me can't contort itself into freakish and unnatural molds. No --- you don't have to be like that to be worth something!

There are gay men that like skinny men, medium men, young men, old men, middle aged men, fat men, muscular men, buff men, any combination thereof, hundreds of types I haven't mentioned. Where on Earth these friends of yours have found the authority to pick several types of men and say: "This is what you must be to find true love" is beyond me, but they are lying to you.

There is nothing wrong with you.
You are actually not ugly, and more specifically, you are someone's idea of attractive,
And you need to start associating with people that aren't so superficial that they make you feel like nothing because of the way you look. You also need to start seeing that your opinion matters.

And your opinion should be that you are an individual that undoubtedly has a lot to offer someone, and that if someone doesn't share that belief, than that is their loss.

If you are genuinely feeling suicidal please call a suicide prevention hotline, I listed two (second is specific to lgbts).

1-800-273-8255 (lifeline)
866-488-7386 (trevor project)

[partis]

Really, does that really happen? There are people like that, not just in movies? These are just fake people with superficial needs, all a bunch of copys of each other in dull relationships, Id love to meet them, id break there world, tell them how ugly they really are, then make a pot of tea. They couldnt handle me, id smash them with words if they said some of that stuff. Id reject them.

You need to be stronger, there is somebody for everybody, i really believe that, find that person and give them good love

People that mind, dont matter and people that matter dont mind.

Goodnight.

[dfiant1]

You are rating your looks and personality based on porn stars?

You are allowing others to rate your looks and personality on a porn star?

You really do need to get out and meet people because trust me, most guys DON'T have porn star looks, most guys aren't 'gorgeous', and probably just about every human being looks at themself and put their looks down.

[Drkmcnamara]

Hey I am rating myself against porn stars cuz that is what seems to be the standard in the gay community. The truth is I can go and rant all day about personality this and inner beauty that but lets face it at the end of the day who is getting laid and who is getting boyfriends? Not me.
So what use does my whole "I have a good personality" attitude have? Other than it being way to make myself feel better in the overwhelming face of reality. And reality is bleak I had no idea that this was the inner world of a gay man. The side of the community that public does not see.

[southbiochem]

you have it wrong

it is NOT the standard..you are throwing the whole gay community into one sack

this is just a limited range of gay shallow bastards

meet new people, seriously

[Drkmcnamara]

These ridiculous unrealistic demands that are expected out of me by my gay peers (not like there is alternate choices for me here) is dirving me to the point of sheer desperation. I am considering crash diets, killer workout routines, maybe look into some ways to make me umm...tool up to par if you know what I mean. This is all just too much though, I should not have to put in such massive efforts to be able to have sex and boyfriends but it seems to be the way of the world. It is a battle that I know I can not win, I feel cornered and now I am feeling deeply suicidal. This problem is never going to go away, neither is the pain. There is going to be no one to tell me to stop, no one to tell me that they love me while giving me a big hug. All of that is just a dream, cruel fantasies of love that will never happen. Words can not describe how utterly defeated and beat down I feel.